and yes I feel lonely

confused and disturbed

grey waters of guilt

and I sink

down

low

..as if this have never happened before

and yes I feel gloomy

but let it go, let it pass

skin starts to rot

grows rough and cold

but it's only inch deep

don't worry my dear

core stays the same

this thing will never get to you

and yes I seem angry

moody and sad

black waters of lonesome

and I sink

down

low

..

my gas tank is half empty my gas tank is half full

from one of the "stophatingyourbody" tumblr submissions
"i went to therapy and learned to see food as fuel, not as a reward or as punishment."
that's it! that's how one should look at it cause that's what food is. it's a fuel. it's not a punishment. cutting on some fun but not necessary stuff is punishment. it's not a reward. it shouldn't be. doing something or getting something for yourself is a reward. the general feeling of good is a reward.
when I think about it I truly see food mainly just as fuel. something that will keep me from passing out and will provide me with the energy I need. and that's it. yeah I know now people who know will start to yell that I eat way too little and so but. I eat when I'm low on energy or just feel my guts being empty. not to get thinner [I can hardly see how that could happen]. so yeah I just wanted to bold that in the end it's just a fuel.

maybe I'm dead and this is the heaven, maybe I'm sleeping and my body's in hell

why am I so into all that.. stuff.... oh you know what I'm talking about. why does it pulls me back again and again. is that really who I am? is that really the way I truly am? I can be happy and I am happy but.. seeing...hearing.. the doom and the gloom.. oh the doom my lovely doom.. maybe cause it's so familiar. like that only real friend you've ever had. someone who's stood beside you all that time all thous nights. oh thous terrible terrible nights. I can still remember myself.. laying there. frozen. with a beast, a demon upon my chests.. he strangled me. every single night. until I fell in a dreamless sleep. insomnia.. the whispers. endless whispers buzzing in my ears. I can still remember though now it all seems like a nightmare. and it was one. a living, breathing nightmare. and all that time the dark. so near, so close. the only thing that was always there. always there for me. I was all alone I was not alone. I can still remember. that sudden pain in the chest just out of the blue. as if a hand was holding my heart and slowly clanged itself tighter. it all seems so far now but it all was so real then. the only reality I had known. now and then it still calls me back. "come. come home," it says. there is something terribly wrong with me. why isn't anyone scared of me? they should be. they should be frightened by just seeing me. and you. you my love. how comes your not sickened by me? how comes you don't choke while holding me. maybe cause your bigger. you are so much bigger than me. the beast runs and hides as far as it can whenever you are near. aren't you scared of it? I am so very frightened by it. it has ruled over me for so long. how comes you can so easily make it vanish?

Discouraged Ones

I am so sorry.. so very sorry.. I feel like a monster.. I am so sorry.. so very very sorry my dear... my love.. if I only could... I should have had... I am so sorry... I will never understand.. I am so very sorry... I feel like an outcast... I am so very sorry... I feel like I've robbed you... as if I brutally robbed you in a bare daylight... I am so very sorry... I can't even imagine how hard it is for you.. I really wish I could... I'm just an outcast... I don't belong I do not understand... I am so sorry... I'm useless I know.. just a bloody burglar...

Epic album list

Decided I should put them down. So these are the albums which have grown to my heart. I would die for them cause they where there when no one else was.

lurking, spreading, covering, prottecting

all is dark
your smile, my eyes
radiating out
blackness of aeons before
stored there for times
thick, black clumps of mass
hits my face, your face
our face
all is dark

oh the night
my beautiful night
the one of eternal darkness
we are safe here my dear

I shall rot here with thou

holding thy head in my arms
as I slowly lower it on the ground
it's dark here and the harsh wind
it get's caught in my strawlike hair
my mind is filled with emptiness
I can feel how it's cold hand
reaches for my throat
my eyes are numb as I
gaze upon thee
you were there just a second ago
I spoke to you just a minute ago
where did thou go?
my fingers in your hair
I close my eyes
the scent the scent just let me keep her scent
each breath - sharp pain in the chest
a hand upon my heart
the other on my throat
do you remember?
that time in woods
you were hiding and for a moment it seemed
that thought almost killed me
have mercy. please take me with
don't leave me behind
her eyes her eyes
just one last glance
I think I saw your eyelids twitch
gaze fix frozen
I think I saw your trembling lips
heart skips a beat
as a wounded animal I now lay beside thou
oh thou art so beautiful my love
my had on thy chests
so still they are so quiet
my limbs are the ones of statues
yours.. the ones of sweet breeze
I will keep on moving
but my life ends here

Deicide's 2008 album title goes here

and that is exactly why gay marriages are stronger that is exactly fucking why! so to all the stubborn straight guys out there I say FUCK YOU! FUCK....YOU! I'm marrying my girl one day and I don't give a flying fuck about what you think. you know why? cause it's not about you guys. it's about her. she is all that I long for, all I could have ever asked for.

I told you so

oh lolz... i just put a pause to write the previous entry.. now I started to watch again and that other chick is saying the exact same thing xD

is it for you or is it for them?

k.. so I'm watching Grey's Anatomy S07E20 and I'm at 27:22 mark and ahh I'm just so pissed... how can you fucking say it's not real? how? it doesn't have to have all thous traditional stuffs just because you know.. it's the regular way to do it.. cause everyone else is doing it and if you don't have them it doesn't count and is fake... BULLSHIT! you could do it in a meadow in front of a fucking forest. just the two of you. no one else. and it still would fucking count. it's not about the show you put up! it's about the commitment that you make!

I think we should get up. I think that's a very bad idea.

I'm a morning person. I love mornings. the pale light. all awakens. the feeling of a new found day just waiting to get explored and lived. still.. there is one kind of mornings which stand way above all of the rest. the ones in which I'm waking up beside you knowing that I get to spend the rest of the day with you. so I don't have to worry about getting up and doing something. I can just be there. with you. just be. I think there's nothing more wonderful than that. I love your sleepy eyes *hey look there's some bubbles floating outside my window* and the way you smile when I look at you. there can't be anything more wonderful than that I think.

Magnetic Man - Fire

I can't really think of any fitting title

k..k.. you know that I'm not blaming you and I've forgiven you and all that but.. can we for a moment pretend that I still hold the grudge?... cause.. well.... then you could.. you know.. make up to my by.. making me these
I will love you forever if you do :3
and I will never ever mention it.. it will be totally wiped out of my memory.. utterly forgotten like never even happened ^^

can I ask you something? sure. why not?

it's funny how people need to really courage up to ask me something and then they are all like worried and uncomfortable but when they ask me that thing.. I'm like all cool. so they always end up worthlessly worrying.

I hope noones stalking me

omg I dance so fucking awesome when I have my headphones and sneakers on and no ones watching xD

"I Need Air"

Sunday morning. got up at 5am. got a lot of that shit done. in 2 hours way more than in whole day before. now it's 7.20am and I'm having rbid [Random Burst Into Dance] to Magnetic Man filled with flashbacks of some days before. yes.. that is that album we had in background then ^,..,^

we like it cause we can relate to it

"Welch says she is prone to “falling into severe holes” that leave her crying on the floor."

oh... my.....

I wish I could know what you're thinking. what you're thinking when you know you're hurting me. I really wish I could know.

melancholic waltz

don't you want me to stay? don't you want me to think of you as worthy? as someone worth staying with, worth fighting for, worth suffering for? don't you want me to stay? cause I want to. I really want to stay. I want to see you as worthy and I believe that you are. don't you want me to believe in you? cause I do.
I just want to feel valuable. I want to feel needed and appreciated. and I do. most of the time but now and then. and you say you don't know what to do and I think do you even want to do anything? you should, shouldn't you? you say you don't know how. any stupid romantic shit will do. anything at all. the smallest and most simple things. anything from the heart. I don't need anything big. your heart are way more valuable than any material shit. I just... I just... I just need a hug and warm word.. anyone.. please