who's the men? you're the men little girl.. you know what you have to do I know that you want it too.. be rude little girl.. be big be what you truly are little girl... or are you just saying? or are you pretending? or are you simply like a salamander pretending to be big? are you really lying to them all? take a step.. don't look back.. fuck the past and fuck the doubts.. take step.. fall into the river.. let the stream overtake you.. be brave little girl... grow up little girl.. you are out of there now.. your time has come little girl.. be brave little girl.. be bold little girl.. don't be a little girl little girl... are you scared? are you still scared? no... no you are not.. the voices... only pale echoes still there but they.. they have no thongs in their mouths... be brave little girl.. be bold little girl
"it is time to spread my wings
to fill this empty hole.
It has now begun
The forces under me
Will conquer all before
And bring me to my victory!
I've seen that man before
Down from the fall
And now standing tall
I've seen this
I have been this
And now I am
my own man
No more misery
Look outside and see
What are you waiting for?
Pick yourself up
Get up off the floor "
Rāda ziņas ar etiķeti hey you I mean me. Rādīt visas ziņas
Rāda ziņas ar etiķeti hey you I mean me. Rādīt visas ziņas
2010-12-27
2010-08-31
New Night
- I won't get a reply to this will I?
- no.. you won't.. it's a mess.. why should anyone ever reply to a mess.. and you write way too much
- there are things I want to say
- but you cover them up whit random objects
- I can't say them out clear.. that's why I hide them between
- in the end you lose them in a pile of meaningless shit and they disappear
- but no one will listen to if
- cause they are used to your nonsense
- I want someone to hear
- but they say that they do
- no action is made.. do they really hear?
- you say it in your head
- even if so.. can't they see?
- they say that they do
- no action is made.. do they really see?
- they don't know what to do
- anything will do
- they are scared of you
- I am scared of myself
- the time will come
- but will I still be here?
- no one knows
- no.. you won't.. it's a mess.. why should anyone ever reply to a mess.. and you write way too much
- there are things I want to say
- but you cover them up whit random objects
- I can't say them out clear.. that's why I hide them between
- in the end you lose them in a pile of meaningless shit and they disappear
- but no one will listen to if
- cause they are used to your nonsense
- I want someone to hear
- but they say that they do
- no action is made.. do they really hear?
- you say it in your head
- even if so.. can't they see?
- they say that they do
- no action is made.. do they really see?
- they don't know what to do
- anything will do
- they are scared of you
- I am scared of myself
- the time will come
- but will I still be here?
- no one knows
2010-08-25
hey! how are you? what's new?
- why are you so silent?
- I'm screaming can't you hear?
- why haven't you said anything?
- default answers to default questions
- but why are you sad?
- I'm neutral
- do you want to cry?
- my eyes are dry
- what will make you smile?
- the sad irony of life
- why are you so serious don't you want to have fun?
- my time has not yet come
- but what if it never will?
- I am not here
- sorry I didn't notice you. what were you saying?
- never mind... I am fine I am smiling and talking or at least that's what you want to see
- I'm screaming can't you hear?
- why haven't you said anything?
- default answers to default questions
- but why are you sad?
- I'm neutral
- do you want to cry?
- my eyes are dry
- what will make you smile?
- the sad irony of life
- why are you so serious don't you want to have fun?
- my time has not yet come
- but what if it never will?
- I am not here
- sorry I didn't notice you. what were you saying?
- never mind... I am fine I am smiling and talking or at least that's what you want to see
2010-08-09
Disheartenment
I just don't know what to do whit myself... while being whit him I feel nothing... nothing at all.. his presence only reminds me of how empty I really am... but he is the closest thing to something that I can get... when we're together I do feel like I own him.. like I am the master and he's the slave.. and yes it is quite nice feeling but is it worth it if emptiness from realization how much of a nothing I feel comes next? I am no master.. I can never be one... of curse it is nice to feel like one for some time but.. I am not.. I can never be though sometimes it seems like it's the best way to be... if he only knew how shattered am I... I just don't know what to do.. it feels like I am falling again....
and HE is back too... some time ago I decided to clear my frnd list on fb... while doing so I though should I or should I not keep him but while deleting all thous guys I didn't know I never saw him but it turns out I had exterminated him after all... so now he contacted me again and.... you think I am not over him? well you should hear him out... he says he still... and that he has.. all the time.... ever since.... what have I done?..... and for a shame I can not strictly say that there is nothing in me for him anymore.... no matter how hard I would want it.... and now.... now he want's to come over... and I just don't know what to do... I know I would feel ever so secure whit him... maybe I would feel like I belong for once... but still... all this thing it's so.. ever so complex...
and then there's.... yeah... it's still there.... it won't go away won't it?....
what should I do?
- I think you could use a talk..
- yeah I know but will I be able to
- if you try your best you should
- but what if nothing changes
- at least you'll have told before it's all already gone
- but maybe I want it to be just gone.. you know.. live over
- and return to your old self.. do you really want it?
- I guess not... but maybe it's no big deal.. maybe I overreact again... as always
- yeah and maybe you just stuck it all in.. till it burst... again.. do you really want it?
- no... but maybe...
- that is not your way stop telling that to yourself over and over again
- but what if... the letter... and now..
- I think it shouldn't be so bad
- but what if it is... and even worse
- well then you'll see it... and then you'll know... for once
and HE is back too... some time ago I decided to clear my frnd list on fb... while doing so I though should I or should I not keep him but while deleting all thous guys I didn't know I never saw him but it turns out I had exterminated him after all... so now he contacted me again and.... you think I am not over him? well you should hear him out... he says he still... and that he has.. all the time.... ever since.... what have I done?..... and for a shame I can not strictly say that there is nothing in me for him anymore.... no matter how hard I would want it.... and now.... now he want's to come over... and I just don't know what to do... I know I would feel ever so secure whit him... maybe I would feel like I belong for once... but still... all this thing it's so.. ever so complex...
and then there's.... yeah... it's still there.... it won't go away won't it?....
what should I do?
- I think you could use a talk..
- yeah I know but will I be able to
- if you try your best you should
- but what if nothing changes
- at least you'll have told before it's all already gone
- but maybe I want it to be just gone.. you know.. live over
- and return to your old self.. do you really want it?
- I guess not... but maybe it's no big deal.. maybe I overreact again... as always
- yeah and maybe you just stuck it all in.. till it burst... again.. do you really want it?
- no... but maybe...
- that is not your way stop telling that to yourself over and over again
- but what if... the letter... and now..
- I think it shouldn't be so bad
- but what if it is... and even worse
- well then you'll see it... and then you'll know... for once
2010-06-29
Possibly Maybe
-ohh.. I knew it wouldn't be a smart idea
-then why did you do that? you know that not smart ideas are stupid ideas
-yeah but... but..
-but what? you know... sometimes you act like a
-like a what?
-like a 6-year-old
-oh really? well you sometimes act like a 60-year-old
-you say so?
-yes
-*sigh* sometimes I feel like a 60-year-old
-*sigh* and I feel like a 6-year-old
-but we are not
-no... we aynt... at least... not by our documents
I loved the movie.. I want to put it on a CD so I can watch it again.. "Dancer in the dark" the first time I saw her there I was all like.. wait.. wait... is that her? omg... it is her!! this is so awesome... I've hard the title somewhere before but wasn't aware that she participates in there... the movie wasn't awesome only because she was in it but she made it 10times more awesome I think -giggle- now I got her tuned up... that chick is marvelous.. why do I listen to her so rare? silly me -giggle-.........-sigh- each time I am watching an awesome movie somewhere during it a one thought will strike trough my mind... it always does I can not do anything about it..... "I wish you could see this with me now" me and my little world.... my dream world... I am ever so silly.. you know most of people have their dream worlds made up of things they could never get in real world but mine is made up from things only my cowardice keeps me from getting them... well or at least keeps me from a try to get them *sigh* silly me.... today I had a nightmare.. last thing I remember was that a man with dirty fingers were trying to pull of my tooth.... drove again.. it's not the first dream in which I'm driving.... I suppose I'll get my license one day sooner or later ^^
-then why did you do that? you know that not smart ideas are stupid ideas
-yeah but... but..
-but what? you know... sometimes you act like a
-like a what?
-like a 6-year-old
-oh really? well you sometimes act like a 60-year-old
-you say so?
-yes
-*sigh* sometimes I feel like a 60-year-old
-*sigh* and I feel like a 6-year-old
-but we are not
-no... we aynt... at least... not by our documents
I loved the movie.. I want to put it on a CD so I can watch it again.. "Dancer in the dark" the first time I saw her there I was all like.. wait.. wait... is that her? omg... it is her!! this is so awesome... I've hard the title somewhere before but wasn't aware that she participates in there... the movie wasn't awesome only because she was in it but she made it 10times more awesome I think -giggle- now I got her tuned up... that chick is marvelous.. why do I listen to her so rare? silly me -giggle-.........-sigh- each time I am watching an awesome movie somewhere during it a one thought will strike trough my mind... it always does I can not do anything about it..... "I wish you could see this with me now" me and my little world.... my dream world... I am ever so silly.. you know most of people have their dream worlds made up of things they could never get in real world but mine is made up from things only my cowardice keeps me from getting them... well or at least keeps me from a try to get them *sigh* silly me.... today I had a nightmare.. last thing I remember was that a man with dirty fingers were trying to pull of my tooth.... drove again.. it's not the first dream in which I'm driving.... I suppose I'll get my license one day sooner or later ^^
2010-06-17
Reflection
- guess what?
- what?
- I know why I am chronically single
- oh really? and why is that so
- well you see.. I've come to conclusion that I have thins strange vibe coming out of myself and this thing it... you know people like me
- they mostly do yes
- so you will like me you might even fall for me and once in a while someone somehow menages to do that but...
- but
- but we will never ever be together
- even if you like the persons who's fallen for you
- even if I love the person who's fallen for me.. we will never be together... I am almost like some kinda mythical creature -giggle-
- walking around.. charming people
- it's almost like I would have some sorta force field around me
- hmm.. that almost makes sense you really do stand somewhere else than others don't you
- mhm I am an observer.. oh but this is ever so interesting I feel almost like
- terra incognita
- exactly -wicked smile-
- why is it always the other way around for me?
- cause you're an outlaw
- what?
- I know why I am chronically single
- oh really? and why is that so
- well you see.. I've come to conclusion that I have thins strange vibe coming out of myself and this thing it... you know people like me
- they mostly do yes
- so you will like me you might even fall for me and once in a while someone somehow menages to do that but...
- but
- but we will never ever be together
- even if you like the persons who's fallen for you
- even if I love the person who's fallen for me.. we will never be together... I am almost like some kinda mythical creature -giggle-
- walking around.. charming people
- it's almost like I would have some sorta force field around me
- hmm.. that almost makes sense you really do stand somewhere else than others don't you
- mhm I am an observer.. oh but this is ever so interesting I feel almost like
- terra incognita
- exactly -wicked smile-
- why is it always the other way around for me?
- cause you're an outlaw
2010-06-02
Disposable Teens
- so what do we learned today?
- that movies have a very little impact on me
- and why is that so?
- hmm.. I am not sure.. maybe they are just too short for me
- 2h is short for you?
- haha I guess so.. you see while movies have almost none impact on me shows and basically anything with episodes [like animes and so] get me quite passioned about the story
- you are too slow you need some time to get what's going on
- exactly.. I suppose in movies it happens too fast for my understanding
- and that's what make you fall asleep during them?
- haha maybe... the things happen so fast I can't run with them so I just stop and take a break ;-)
- not to waste your energy huh?
- mhm :3 oh and I started to learn swedish
- well that's nice ^^
- yeah.. I think I just might make it till the next summer
- well isn't that great?
- ^^ a friend of mine asked me what am I going to do in summer
- so what are you...?
- I am going to study
- seriously?!! xD
- mhm...
- you crazy girl.. that's sounds soo fun xD
- it does for me... kinda -giggle-
- that movies have a very little impact on me
- and why is that so?
- hmm.. I am not sure.. maybe they are just too short for me
- 2h is short for you?
- haha I guess so.. you see while movies have almost none impact on me shows and basically anything with episodes [like animes and so] get me quite passioned about the story
- you are too slow you need some time to get what's going on
- exactly.. I suppose in movies it happens too fast for my understanding
- and that's what make you fall asleep during them?
- haha maybe... the things happen so fast I can't run with them so I just stop and take a break ;-)
- not to waste your energy huh?
- mhm :3 oh and I started to learn swedish
- well that's nice ^^
- yeah.. I think I just might make it till the next summer
- well isn't that great?
- ^^ a friend of mine asked me what am I going to do in summer
- so what are you...?
- I am going to study
- seriously?!! xD
- mhm...
- you crazy girl.. that's sounds soo fun xD
- it does for me... kinda -giggle-
2010-06-01
Exit Wounds
- so what do we learned today?
- that I have lost my empathy
- wasn't that clear for a long time already?
- yeah but.. that was this days conclusion
- ohh.. I see. anything else? you look kinda down
- it's nothing really.. I am just having hopes again
- and losing them
- yeah...
- it's quite painful
- you're telling me -giggle-
- -giggle-
- I just finally see how it is... finally see myself for who I really am and why I am still like this
- and that would be..
- I am bleeding
- can you make it stop?
- I tried but I ended up as an empty shell
- that's no good
- yeah.. tell me... why does nothing helps? why does no one helps?
- oh you know how it is with them.. they just don't know how to help and even if they do... they will just stop and stare while thinking "someone should help her" maybe someone will say "oh you poor thing" someone maybe will try to figure out why are you bleeding
- I am still here on the floor.. still bleeding
- they have their own problems you know it and you can't blame them
- oh I know I know.. and I am not going to blame them.. I wouldn't be better myself I can bet
- they just don't know what to do
- so they choose to do nothing...
- you know you could tell them.. scream for help
- my mouth is dry I try to talk but the words.. they never get over my lips
- you have to try harder
- but I am tired and I have lost too much blood
- you look very pale
- will you help me?
- you know I am only in your head
- it's all right.. I'll just weep on your shoulder and cover up my wounds when I go out
- you think you'll be able to do that.. pretend again
- I'll have to try that's my only chance -sigh-
oh and by the way.. about the don't cha thing.. I lied.. I don't need her to be darker or anything.. I just need her to be that's all
- that I have lost my empathy
- wasn't that clear for a long time already?
- yeah but.. that was this days conclusion
- ohh.. I see. anything else? you look kinda down
- it's nothing really.. I am just having hopes again
- and losing them
- yeah...
- it's quite painful
- you're telling me -giggle-
- -giggle-
- I just finally see how it is... finally see myself for who I really am and why I am still like this
- and that would be..
- I am bleeding
- can you make it stop?
- I tried but I ended up as an empty shell
- that's no good
- yeah.. tell me... why does nothing helps? why does no one helps?
- oh you know how it is with them.. they just don't know how to help and even if they do... they will just stop and stare while thinking "someone should help her" maybe someone will say "oh you poor thing" someone maybe will try to figure out why are you bleeding
- I am still here on the floor.. still bleeding
- they have their own problems you know it and you can't blame them
- oh I know I know.. and I am not going to blame them.. I wouldn't be better myself I can bet
- they just don't know what to do
- so they choose to do nothing...
- you know you could tell them.. scream for help
- my mouth is dry I try to talk but the words.. they never get over my lips
- you have to try harder
- but I am tired and I have lost too much blood
- you look very pale
- will you help me?
- you know I am only in your head
- it's all right.. I'll just weep on your shoulder and cover up my wounds when I go out
- you think you'll be able to do that.. pretend again
- I'll have to try that's my only chance -sigh-
oh and by the way.. about the don't cha thing.. I lied.. I don't need her to be darker or anything.. I just need her to be that's all
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