Disheartenment

I just don't know what to do whit myself... while being whit him I feel nothing... nothing at all.. his presence only reminds me of how empty I really am... but he is the closest thing to something that I can get... when we're together I do feel like I own him.. like I am the master and he's the slave.. and yes it is quite nice feeling but is it worth it if emptiness from realization how much of a nothing I feel comes next? I am no master.. I can never be one... of curse it is nice to feel like one for some time but.. I am not.. I can never be though sometimes it seems like it's the best way to be... if he only knew how shattered am I... I just don't know what to do.. it feels like I am falling again....
and HE is back too... some time ago I decided to clear my frnd list on fb... while doing so I though should I or should I not keep him but while deleting all thous guys I didn't know I never saw him but it turns out I had exterminated him after all... so now he contacted me again and.... you think I am not over him? well you should hear him out... he says he still... and that he has.. all the time.... ever since.... what have I done?..... and for a shame I can not strictly say that there is nothing in me for him anymore.... no matter how hard I would want it.... and now.... now he want's to come over... and I just don't know what to do... I know I would feel ever so secure whit him... maybe I would feel like I belong for once... but still... all this thing it's so.. ever so complex...
and then there's.... yeah... it's still there.... it won't go away won't it?....
what should I do?
- I think you could use a talk..
- yeah I know but will I be able to
- if you try your best you should
- but what if nothing changes
- at least you'll have told before it's all already gone
- but maybe I want it to be just gone.. you know.. live over
- and return to your old self.. do you really want it?
- I guess not... but maybe it's no big deal.. maybe I overreact again... as always
- yeah and maybe you just stuck it all in.. till it burst... again.. do you really want it?
- no... but maybe...
- that is not your way stop telling that to yourself over and over again
- but what if... the letter... and now..
- I think it shouldn't be so bad
- but what if it is... and even worse
- well then you'll see it... and then you'll know... for once