maybe I'm dead and this is the heaven, maybe I'm sleeping and my body's in hell

why am I so into all that.. stuff.... oh you know what I'm talking about. why does it pulls me back again and again. is that really who I am? is that really the way I truly am? I can be happy and I am happy but.. seeing...hearing.. the doom and the gloom.. oh the doom my lovely doom.. maybe cause it's so familiar. like that only real friend you've ever had. someone who's stood beside you all that time all thous nights. oh thous terrible terrible nights. I can still remember myself.. laying there. frozen. with a beast, a demon upon my chests.. he strangled me. every single night. until I fell in a dreamless sleep. insomnia.. the whispers. endless whispers buzzing in my ears. I can still remember though now it all seems like a nightmare. and it was one. a living, breathing nightmare. and all that time the dark. so near, so close. the only thing that was always there. always there for me. I was all alone I was not alone. I can still remember. that sudden pain in the chest just out of the blue. as if a hand was holding my heart and slowly clanged itself tighter. it all seems so far now but it all was so real then. the only reality I had known. now and then it still calls me back. "come. come home," it says. there is something terribly wrong with me. why isn't anyone scared of me? they should be. they should be frightened by just seeing me. and you. you my love. how comes your not sickened by me? how comes you don't choke while holding me. maybe cause your bigger. you are so much bigger than me. the beast runs and hides as far as it can whenever you are near. aren't you scared of it? I am so very frightened by it. it has ruled over me for so long. how comes you can so easily make it vanish?

Epic album list

Decided I should put them down. So these are the albums which have grown to my heart. I would die for them cause they where there when no one else was.

can I ask you something? sure. why not?

it's funny how people need to really courage up to ask me something and then they are all like worried and uncomfortable but when they ask me that thing.. I'm like all cool. so they always end up worthlessly worrying.

I hope noones stalking me

omg I dance so fucking awesome when I have my headphones and sneakers on and no ones watching xD

"I Need Air"

Sunday morning. got up at 5am. got a lot of that shit done. in 2 hours way more than in whole day before. now it's 7.20am and I'm having rbid [Random Burst Into Dance] to Magnetic Man filled with flashbacks of some days before. yes.. that is that album we had in background then ^,..,^

we like it cause we can relate to it

"Welch says she is prone to “falling into severe holes” that leave her crying on the floor."

oh... my.....

melancholic waltz

don't you want me to stay? don't you want me to think of you as worthy? as someone worth staying with, worth fighting for, worth suffering for? don't you want me to stay? cause I want to. I really want to stay. I want to see you as worthy and I believe that you are. don't you want me to believe in you? cause I do.
I just want to feel valuable. I want to feel needed and appreciated. and I do. most of the time but now and then. and you say you don't know what to do and I think do you even want to do anything? you should, shouldn't you? you say you don't know how. any stupid romantic shit will do. anything at all. the smallest and most simple things. anything from the heart. I don't need anything big. your heart are way more valuable than any material shit. I just... I just... I just need a hug and warm word.. anyone.. please

nanananana b....bullet in my ficking head

it's past 8pm and have I done anything? anything at all? no... no.. why?.. well I don't know.. maybe cause it feels as if my whole world is falling into pieces.
hello cold floor my old friend.

Withdrawn

I should be working but I have no will. It's raining outside and all is grey and all is full of wind. Just want to sit here and listen to doom. I should be working. I have things to do. But I just want to lay down on the floor and look out the window. The branches slowly dancing in wind. Like lovers, filled with melancholy. I feel a bit.. out of time and space. I don't know where I am now. It's all grey in here. The ground, the sky. But the sky is slowly moving and I can feel that there's something bright behind it's greyness. Am I sad? No. I think not. Just melancholic.

just to let you know

not good enough, too good, not good enough, too good, not good enough, too good, not good enough, too good, not good enough, too good, not good enough, too good, not good enough, too good...
destruction destruction watch it all burn down in your minds eye
but I don't care.. I still want your last name

I'm a butterfly! I'm a butterfly! I'm a fucking stone.

it's 10 to 12 and I feel like a chipmunk. you know that state in which you enter somewhere around the edge of exhaustion. that "haha this all is so funny I don't know what I'm doing and I can feel the despair creeping in but at the moment I'm a chipmunk"
I've never really believed in you but if you really are up there big guy. please give me the strength and will to get trough this without any major injuries.

"Raise your weapon""Bring me victory"

for a moment there I forgot who I was but now I remember
I'm the MOTHERFUCKING JESUS!!!
I'm here to suffer for your sins so make me bare the cross. put it on my shoulders let me take it up the hill. then nail me to it. let me bleed. trough my suffering the redemption will come.
I'm here to fight. so don't hold your demons back. let me face them eye to eye. I'm here to fight. for you. for us. and I will do it even if it kills me. yes I will get scared and suffer trough that but that's what motherfucking jesus does. I raise my weapon I'm here to fight. yes it will knock me off my feet, drag me to my knees. but with each new morning I shall raise again. with my spirits up and holding my sword as high as the sky. so don't hold back your demons. let me face them eye to eye. I will fight them I MUST fight them cause..
I'm the MOTHERFUCKING JESUS!!!
I'm here to bring redemption.
And all I ask from you is to believe in me.
[I am not an image from olden times of which only stories remain. I am HERE and NOW]

teargas

I hate how silently hurtable I am.
And when it gets to me. I doesn't really matter what am I telling to myself.
It just keeps on going.


When I think about it. I've always been like this only. I used to feel offended. Like the whole world was being unfair to me. I would get angry and pissed off.
Now. I don't get offended. I clearly understand that there is no need for me to be like that, that no one has really offended me [and even if has I don't blame them] and I'm just imagining things. Still. It just keeps on going.
People used to take advantage of me being so easily offended, so easily being hurt. I could even say I was the perfect prey for bullies. And they gladly used the chance.
Now. I've learned to keep it to myself so they couldn't see it, could notice how easy it is to manipulate with me. But at the same time. They think of me as being way stronger than I am. So they don't really bother that much. Then again. It gives them the wrong impression of me. I just wish I could be as strong as it seems.


I hate how silently hurtable I am.
And when it gets to me. I doesn't really matter what am I telling to myself.
It just keeps on going.

"From The Sunset, Forest And Grief"

I'm scared.. as if something evil was lurking from shadows behind my back. As if it's cold breath slowly covering me would crawl into my skin and take over my mind. Make me infected so I would start to turn into something else. Something monstrous. Something hideous, rotten, disgusting and ugly. I'm afraid.. so very afraid that they'll come back, took over me and scare away all that I have. Telling me that I'm no good, that I haven't deserved this, telling that there are better ones and that they'll come and I'll have to step back. My mind is infected it's sick. When ever I get something good out of life it tries to pull me back with all it's might and as higher I get as stronger it pulls me back to earth and into abyss. And right now I can feel, I can even hear how it's pulling with all it's might (I've never been this high up before).

I have never been this high up. I have never been this high up. I have never been this high up. I have never been this high up. I have never been this high up. I have never been this high up. I have never been...

I think I know what I want to do for a living [I've known for some time already.. getting only more sure with time

I think I have almost the perfect personality to work with genes and genome. I am patient, like to sort things and don't get tired or bored doing it, if there is need I can be very precise, I can devote myself utterly to work and work without stop till I've done what is needed. And I fucking LOVE the subject itself and the possibilities it can offer. [I'm also quite creative so I could think up some clever way how to use and manipulate with material]

I hate everything... but

• biology
• chemistry
• physics
• you
  

no! I do not want to go back. why are you making me go back?

why am I even doing this? why am I putting myself back in the shoes I wore year ago?

wounds heal, scars remain

and now I wonder. how things would worked out for the people I know if I did ended it all back then. would it be better? worse? the same? there would be more grief I suppose but in general it would be the same I think. one person more or less. does that really change that much? maybe for one, two.. maybe even three or four people it would change something but still. ones life doesn't stop because someones else has.
I also wonder. if not then. would I have done it till now? looking back now. it's hard to say. hard to predict weather or not I would have fallen again and then. it would be very easy to cross the lone, step over the edge. I was on that edge for so very long. at least now it seems like a long time. staring into abyss which burned in my eyes with it's blackness. the winds, howling in my ears and trough my chest.
I was getting better even before but for how long? I wonder. would I have fallen again? and now. if something for some reason happens now. would I fall again? would I be able to stand still or to at least stand on my feet after the fall. or would I simply crash against the ground and crumble into millions of pieces. never to be put back together again.
am I even worthy to be left unbroken? [of curse you are what nonsense or you talking little girl]
oh grimness of mine you do still want to shine your black light upon me don't you?

In solitude forever!.. I saw no other possibility

talking about hymns of past times.. here's another one (and it was all about me.. all of it.. all)

this solitary life... and I almost ended it all

before my redeemer came

oh.. this used to by my hymn. I screamed every line and held it as mine. and at that time.. it truly was mine. so very mine. this used to be my hymn.