wounds heal, scars remain

and now I wonder. how things would worked out for the people I know if I did ended it all back then. would it be better? worse? the same? there would be more grief I suppose but in general it would be the same I think. one person more or less. does that really change that much? maybe for one, two.. maybe even three or four people it would change something but still. ones life doesn't stop because someones else has.
I also wonder. if not then. would I have done it till now? looking back now. it's hard to say. hard to predict weather or not I would have fallen again and then. it would be very easy to cross the lone, step over the edge. I was on that edge for so very long. at least now it seems like a long time. staring into abyss which burned in my eyes with it's blackness. the winds, howling in my ears and trough my chest.
I was getting better even before but for how long? I wonder. would I have fallen again? and now. if something for some reason happens now. would I fall again? would I be able to stand still or to at least stand on my feet after the fall. or would I simply crash against the ground and crumble into millions of pieces. never to be put back together again.
am I even worthy to be left unbroken? [of curse you are what nonsense or you talking little girl]
oh grimness of mine you do still want to shine your black light upon me don't you?