it snowed today again.. like in that day I sat alone again

and I feel disoriented and weird and somewhere outside.. still clumsy but not that much anymore and I just don't know what to do about myself.. there's a pillow in my head that's smothering some idea.. something I should do or something I should be planing to do... but it all will be fine right?.. this day is grey but I like it grey.. the light is pale.. I love it when the light is pale.. I can hear her doing something in the kitchen.. well... she is not there yet.. I'll have to be patient and wait.. she won't be there for a long time yet.. but I can hear her already.. I can hear how she's cutting something and how the oil is warming up.. she's making something.. I don't know what yet she isn't there yet.... I'm a louzy cook so she's making dinner I'm just siting here and lightly working on something.. "what's for dinner dear?" she can not reply.. she isn't there yet... still.. I can hear her there right now... just like I knew she was out there.. somewhere... and that I will find her and I did find her... now I can hear her in another room whenever I'm home alone like now... I can not see her.. she's not here yet but I hear her even though... that's why I don't feel like I am all alone here even when I am... that's why I am not afraid of the time you spend awake before falling asleep... oh I can remember how terrified I was of that..... so even though she's not here yet... I can hear her.. I can sense her presence... I just have to wait a little longer.. until she gates here and I can wait a little longer... cause I can hear her coming