my gas tank is half empty my gas tank is half full

from one of the "stophatingyourbody" tumblr submissions
"i went to therapy and learned to see food as fuel, not as a reward or as punishment."
that's it! that's how one should look at it cause that's what food is. it's a fuel. it's not a punishment. cutting on some fun but not necessary stuff is punishment. it's not a reward. it shouldn't be. doing something or getting something for yourself is a reward. the general feeling of good is a reward.
when I think about it I truly see food mainly just as fuel. something that will keep me from passing out and will provide me with the energy I need. and that's it. yeah I know now people who know will start to yell that I eat way too little and so but. I eat when I'm low on energy or just feel my guts being empty. not to get thinner [I can hardly see how that could happen]. so yeah I just wanted to bold that in the end it's just a fuel.

I am as real as you imagine me

our perception deforms reality so we will never be able to grasp the true nature of it cause actually it has no nature at all. it's all built on quantum mechanics where without an observer whos subjective perspective deforms reality there is no definite reality at all. without an observer it is everywhere and nowhere. it exists and not exists at the same time just like Schrodinger's cat. only trough the perspective of observer it becomes definite and therefor we can say it exists. there is no fixed reality behind our backs cause we can not see it. there is no utter and true form of reality there is only the way we sense it. without an observer there's only blob-like blurred mass of energy. without no mass. without no form. only because of you it takes a form. only because of you it becomes definite and starts to exist.

it seems as it seem to seem only more seemingly

everything that can happen will happen. there is a path from here to every possible future.. all infinity of them. the one where your bilionare, the one where you die from a suicide, the one where you meet your and only true love, the one where you live forever alone, the one where you are famous, the one where you are hated by all, the one where nobody cares, the one where evrything is as it should be.. there's a path from here to all of them.. they all are reachable.. everything that can happen will happen cause in the end.. everything that can happen and everything that can't happen has already happened

voyage to the end of all leads back home

universe is not infinite.. there is no such thing as infinity... but there are circles.. if you go to the biggest number there is.. one way bigger than any human could ever imagine.. if you go that number and add one you go back to zero cause that infinity is so big, so massive that it's nothing at all and the circle is locked and our universe is not infinite.. it might seem infinite in 3th dimension but it's actually a sphere in a 4th dimension just like the ocean seems infinite in 2th dimension but you can break out of it using the 3rd dimension.. going up

hello! my name is...

Abanazer... that's one of the most gothic words ever.. just listen to the ring of it.. Abanazer... just like Emily and Lenore

the theory of everything

had my first lesson in philosophy today.. nothing that new only at one part it gave me a hint how I could best describe my idea.. my theory of everything.. I've had this idea for quite some time now so I decided that it's finally time for me to try and put it down
you see we live.. or more precisely we exist in two worlds the deeply subjective and the utterly objective one
the subjective one takes place in our heads as idea of reality.. the way we see, hear, smell etc. is individual as well as the way we respond to these irritants.. it all happens in or minds so the state of ones mind is supreme in action of creating the world around us.. have you ever noticed how different things look, smell, taste etc. depending on your mood? sun really shines brighter when you're happy.. rain really falls more heavy when you're sad... as primitive as that... we all have or own little worlds that exists only in our heads as ideas about reality.. world doesn't exist where we can't see it... but what about other people? you might ask... they also are only ideas in our heads.. the way we see people is never ever the way they truly are even if we get to know someone ever so good still or subjective mind will store them [in a form of information] and the way we'll have them in or mind will never be the way they are cause our subjective observation disfigure the reality.. we live in reflection of the real world.. and that reflection is created in our minds
that's only one side of the medal.. other side is the utterly objective one.. where we don't live as individuals but exist as a small part of civilization..
family -> school -> city -> country -> climate zone -> Earth
because we live in our heads and observe all trough there we can't see this on ordinary bases.. but it's a different world.. a world where everything happens much slower.. where our lifetime lasts only a second and rarely makes any visible changes
we live in the subjective world but exist in the objective one

When the Tomorrow Is a Grey Day (by The Last Days)

we are alone... you... me... all alone.. that men you saw on the street today.. he's alone too... you want to know why? how can I tell it so strictly? maybe he's anything but alone... but that's not true we all are alone... cause thous things that makes us who we are.. some might say even the things that makes us human.. we do alone.. we think and feel alone... we all have or little universes in our heads where we live alone and nothing can change that.. the way I see things.. you'll never see them like me.. the way you feel it.. I'll never feel the same... we all have our own little universes where we live alone... some people now and then have guests in their universes... they call it sickness... they say it's ill to have other people in your little universe that you have in your head.. you have to be alone... but as soon as you'll understand and accept that.. you will never feel lonely again.. ever...
of curse it is nice to have friends.. relationships whit other minds but you see.. there is no way that you will stand next to each other forever the sad part is.. that it's very easy to get used to.. even addicted of other people.. and if the parting time comes and you haven't understood and accept the reality of being eternally alone.. there's a big possibility that it will mess up your mind... make you feel empty and ever so lonely and it's truly nothing pleasant... you have to be responsible for your actions... you can't let others get addicted of you........

I have lost my... and it's all coming back now

who am I to you? I ask myself again and again.. who am I to you.. should ask you that once but I doubt that you know it for yourself though you should... who the fuck am I to you? why won't you open to me? I lay naked before you and if you think that I don't just ask me anything... what do you want from me? what the fuck do you want from me? I've never been able to understand.. you always say I am not alone.. you always say that you are here but you never are and next to you I feel more alone than anywhere else cause I know.. you don't have it in you.. do you? and still you just won't tell.. I am screaming can't you hear? I am still bleeding can't you see? maybe you just don't care anymore.. maybe you never really did.. I don't know.. I don't know and it's killing me.. maybe I am just totally wrong for you.. maybe every time you look at me you think "what the hell am I still doing whit her?" maybe it's because of my temper.. you think I am inert.. unable to respond.. maybe you really think that I don't care... but you have no idea how much I do.. maybe I am just totally wrong for you.. then why can't you just tell me so? why can't you just tell me what the fuck do you want from me? and don't ask me to be something you know I am not.. to act in ways you know I am unable to.. you don't want to make me a liar do you?

I am everything and nothing and so are you

you are the center of the universe
I am the center of the universe
don't you get it? we all have our own universes our own worlds... and we are the center of our universe the center of our life.. simply because it's our life only yours... only mine... we can only see things trough our own eyes... feel the world only trough or own senses... we look at the same thing but we see it differently we have different opinion about it.. or own unique opinion our own unique way of seeing the same thing... the world.. the life it's all relevant.. it's only about us.. the way I see it the way you see it.. we are the center of our universe and the whole existence turns around us... you can never ask from anyone to see thing the way you do cause that is only your way.. we all live in parallel universes.. the way I see you will never be the way you see yourself.. the way I look at you will never be the same way anyone else will ever look at you cause I look at you trough my eyes from my point of view and it will never ever be the same as someone else... you make your destiny.. the whole universe.. your universe it turns around you.. you are the center of everything.. of your life... cause you make it spin.. the moment your dead and gone it collapses... don't you see it? I am the center of everything and so are you.. only mine everything differs from yours but that's the way it is... you have the power to make your life the way you want it to be cause you are the center of everything.. it all turns around you... but there is no time to be wasted cause it all will end.. your universe will collapse as you do... so don't waste time and don't let anyone else waste your time... make your world spin your way cause you are center of everything... and I am center of everything

I like my tea black as my metal

clarity came upon me and I realized that the tea one enjoys the most represents the type of person he is I can't say it always fits but when I think about my friends and myself it all fits perfectly... like me.. I enjoy a cup of strong black tea over all.. it is dark and strong and leaves you with this thigh feeling upon your lips.. mostly you have to search quite hard to find that special taste that makes the tea different from casual earl gray but when you have found it and get a taste of it it spreads trough your moth and covers your tongue within itself and with each next sip it only gets stronger and when the cup is empty you can sill feel the taste for quite some time.... one of my dear friends are a big fan of green tea and once again it is just like her.. it is refreshing and light and gives you this feeling of overwhelming energy like you could do almost anything after a cup or two but there is a risk that if you drink too much of it you might get a little sick... nice cup of red fruit tea is what another of my dear friends prefers and yet again it fits her perfectly.. though it looks dark it's actually very light and pleasant and oh ever so tasty -giggle- you can drink tons of it and never have enough like after each cup you just have to have another and it feels like the tea would lightly play with your taste-buds like kitty with a clew :3
and what type of tea are you?

My Hope The Destroyer

what's the point of having a hope? they always die as they lay on the naked floor.. if you want to get something you have to work till you get it.. hoping gives you nothing but a chance that the hope will die and seeing as they do just one by one in a row till none is left.. it's nothing enjoyable...
what's the point of getting attached to someone? everyone will leave you sooner or later and when they go.. as stronger the bound between you will be as more the absence of that person will damage you, tear you apart, rip a lump out of your flesh and leave you there.. alone and bleeding.. of curse it's nice to have someone close but.. sooner or later they all will leave...
are the moments spent together worth the bleeding that absence will bring?
I am still no sure... afraid so afraid.. so I keep my distance.. -sigh-



My Dying Bride album "The Dreadful Hours" in the background playing

everything dies you have to realise that

damn you all for being so small

lately I am starting to feel less and less need for society.. I haven't felt much of a need for it before too but now it's becoming even smaller.. all that noise and senseless talking
- Hey, how are you?
- Oh, I am fine and you?
- Fine too.......
and then it goes on and on and on.... about what? nothing.. nothing at all... while being with other people we for some reason feel a massive need for a conversation.. just something to brake the silence with.. but why? why can't we just keep quiet if there is nothing important to say? why do we have to fill the beautiful silence with some smalltalk which has no meaning at all? no I am not saying that talking is bad and shouldn't be at all.. just all thous pointless words that I hear every day makes me wonder why? why they [society for I myself have no problem whit it] are so afraid to be left in silence?
-and here I started to listen to the new Eluveitie album "Everything Remains As It Never Was" and as always pagan metal does the magic and I just want to dive into a wild pagan dance and bouncy headbanging... screaming FUCK YEAH!!! and don't caring about the fucking society with it's fucking issues... I have my music and that's really all that I need to survive... \m/-

"Isolated myself for the sake of freedom" Katatonia - Help Me Disappear
"But somehow, just somehow, this loneliness feels like a victory over self delusive of a joy and happiness [..] unity, the gathering of open wounds, of dark, dark clean spirits. What a dream, what a dream so distant" Draconian - The Cry Of Silence

Smile is the shortest distance between two persons

A statement like this was put in my front today and it asked for my opinion for as you see the english lesson was the place and to tell my thoughts was the task..at the spot more than one idea came across my mind so now I am here writing it down...

First of all I would like to say that I absolutely disagree with this particular statement for as you see smile can be nor the shortest physical nor mental distance between two individuals for as you see the shortest physical distance is also the smallest space between two objects in this case human beings and smile can definitely not be the shortest/smallest space between two I hope you agree with me on here.. as for the mental closeness and my disagreement in this section too.. for as you see it is quite easy to fake a smile as you might know but if you don't I can surely tell you that by my own personal experience.... but what you can not fake or you can do it only with great art of acting which rare of who has... is the look on you eyes... you can smile with your lips but the truth shall be exposed upon your eyes.... [something disturbed me here and I lost my point]

Existence

event only exist in the form of memories.. if no one remembers the even conclusion can be easily made - even hasn't happened at all.. as well as the events one self also only exist in other person memory that is.. if no one has any information storeged in their memory about some specific character we can say as well that this character doesn't exist at all as there is no signatures about it's existence... if no one remembers you, you do not exist.. from this can be found the answer to question "am I?" and the answer to that is "only if someone remembers it" but there is another question that likes to bug or minds.. "who am I?" and the answer to this question comes in more than one part.. first of all there is no one definate and still character that presents one self.. second from previous resolutions made we can see that one is at all only if someone remebers it and from this comes the third and general point... ones personality can only be found in people that remembers this person memory or more clearer the way others remembers this particular person... there is no one and only "you" you are what and more general how others see you

like in an ant town

today I went to this big mass event that took place in our dear capital.. mostly it's old town.. I saw some interesting things but came home with a one big lesson of the day - I hate crowds... I have knew this fact about myself for some time already but never before I have felt so sick of the mass as I did today.. no matter where I went there were always tons of people there and all that I can say is.. I felt really really sick and more than just uneasy... lets say - disturbed.... it's also interesting how lonely crowd makes you feel like there is someone everywhere you gaze but though you are in the middle of it all you feel more alone then if you would be just by yourself there... maybe the fact that you know none of thous persons strongers the feeling of loneliness.. there are so many of them around but you know none of them and none knows you actually that could be it.. the core of loneliness... no one knows you.......
lucky for me I had a friend of mine with me there so it wasn't that bad but still I felt really really sick and uneasy....... I truly dislike masses of any kind

why do modern man dies younger?

or at least lives for a shorter time? back in old days the life seemed like eternity. a year seemed like a decade for us oh how glorious times they were. you born, live and most probably died in on and the same place... you saw your granny getting old and them passing as well as your mother and father and you knew that some day you shall pass too and there is nothing unnatural in it. you were not afraid of the death as you knew your place and your time and as you were not afraid of it you also get to enjoy the life much more than the modern man does... these days it's all just a one great rush... first comes birth then couple years of magical bliss but then it all starts.. kinder garden -> school [primary->secondary] -> university -> work.... it just feels like with each up coming year the time starts to move faster and faster.. it's not going with one speed... the acceleration seems growing in geometrical progression... ohh how terrible it sounds when you just listen to yourself..... I lost my though here... hope any of this made at least a little sense -sigh- lately everything is passing by so fast the world just seems blurry in general and the dimness never leaves my head

with tired eyes and dizzy head yours - Shadow mistress

have you heard the new hit? it's even more shallow then the last one

modern music... what do we imagine hearing these words? mostly the top music.. the MTV or top 40 music and what is that? some 3 min pop piece with mostly 4 lines of text and maximums 5 sec of rhythm that's going on a loop... adding some synthetic sounds and here you go.. a new top hit. and beside all that the text [which at least for me plays a great role in a song] is not some serious deep tough for what I could forgive being just 4 lines long... no.. it's some text about being drunk and horny... and I ask myself.. why is that so? why modern world is so obsessed with such music? why they rather listens to some chick singing to one beat about her last night not some life long expirienced band telling about ways of life and intelligence and all this text is escorted by polyphonic melodies... but I think I know the answer to this question...... comfort and easynes... that is what modern man cares about.. everything has to be as easy doneable as possible just look on the modern technologies everything goes to make or lifes as simply as possible... so is with the mind... music is one of thous things that your mind has to work with and as any other activity trains some part of your body music trains your head.. your brains and your ability to understand... but modern man is lazy in it's core.. it wants everything to be as easy done as possible.. and that includes the things that minds has to done... the things one should understand... modern music only represents what modern man is longing for.. and no matter how much it would sadden me I have to admit that modern society is going twords simplyfying.. and not elegant minimalism no but just plain easyness... it doensn't want to make ones mind work to hard whyle trying to get into meaning full music.. it wants it all done easy.... easy done... easy understandable...... that is the illness of modern world... and it sickens me to the core.. I can truly say.... I am discused with the modern world

with late greetings and dim head, yours Shadow mistress

p.s. I would like to thank my dear sir PsychoAngel726 for the question and I hope I have replyed to it properly

back away and back again

I am home... wippy wii wippy yee.... I suppose.... it's nice to leave home and go somewhere but after days spend in some other place strange feeling comes across and no matter how good or bad would you been doin' it feels like your place is calling you back... there is no softer bed than yours and no comfortable toilet than yours.... that goes with almost every single person and as for myself as you might know [nut if you didn't I am telling you know] I went to a camp and spend 7 days away from home and at the 4th day I had some kinda break down and were ready to do almost anything just to get back home... I even had a plan that I during the night could pack my tent and everything and run away no matter that the camp took place in a middle of nowhere I were ready to even walk my way home [no matter that the distance is more than 30 and maybe even 40 km] the only thing that held me back is that I had a room-mate [well actualy tent-mate as we were sleeping in tents] I didn't wanted to leave here tentless so I stayed.... tough most probably I could talk her into the escapeing mission but anywho.... but now I think gosh... that would be so awesome to just abandoned that place and go home and with this I mean that the going home itself [or the way we would get there] is the awesome part of it all.... should do something like that someday... I should.... I have always wanted to one day just leave what ever am I doing and go away like I could during the lesson stand up walk out of class and go to my country house or something like that.... marvelous in my head it seems indeed but I doupt that such covardly creature like me could ever do such thing.... a shame indeed a shame..... anywho the thing is [and I think any person who travels knows this] there is no place like home

moodswings

suddenly like sun appears between leafs which tremble in gusty wind a nostalgic feeling came across me. all day was spent in a happy [more or less] motion but then.. feels like someone had just pulled a handle or something... from happy little elf to a doomer in a second.. isn't that funny -a weak smile appears on her face- strange thing these moodswings are and strange is or mind which puts us in the motion of his own selfish will.. or maybe I just exhausted my can of naive happynes... like in the morning you have several cans full of moods... like happy, sad, mad, numb and sucha... but there is limit of how much you can use eah of them.. you can not be happy or mad or sad all day long [unless you're a specific person with huge can of hat specific mood.. like I think I myself have a huge numbness can..] like thous poeple who seems to be happy all trough probably comes home and starts to puch a pillow or something -giggle- but yeah... my point is [which probably is not a point at all but hey read the name of my blog... <.<] each of us has some sorta amount of each mood [each has specific amount of one or another mood ofcurse] which we can spend as we like untill we have reached to bottom of that can [filled witch mood] and then we have no other chanse than move to another mood.... I suppose I just emptyed my can of happynes for to day well.. here comes the can of numb and there goes my naive smile... hey thanks for a visit stop by on any time...