31th of October

this is it.. my final blogtober entry.. and I actually made it yeeey for me ^^
last night was brilliant and full of experiences *giggle* but great anyway
I saw you last night.. it was you wasn't it? your face was different but I am sure it was you... you are somewhere out there.. I know it... I only have to be patient that's all... when I think about it.. almost all my life I've been nothing but patient... but.. was far as you visit me in my dreams now and then... I can wait... I will be able to wait.. here.. outside

morning seems fine.. at least for now

decided that I should make an entry now cause probably I'll forget later
woke up rather late just around 11:30 I think it was but it's ok it's all right
hope I'll get myself some sweet pumpkin later :3
got some new dsbm material last night.. seemed quite nice but I think I am falling for Hypothermia now ^^
the project is starting to sum up now and it looks quite good I must say
page says my shirt's been posted so now I only have to wait till the lazy post will deliver it to me.. ohh but I can't wait xD
can you believe it? it really is the one before the last one blog entry in blogtober.. maybe I should write something more but.. it can wait till tomorrow I think

An Autumn For Crippled Children

almost done with my outfit.. I'll look like a trashy Misty *giggle*
I couldn't say that I am bored I'm just doing nothing xD
ordered the Opeth shirt yeey ^^ now waiting for them to accept my money.. first time that I am ordering something for a web shop.. hope I did everything right... loss of money would suck a lot you know... but that shirt is so cute :3 it's like.. you know.. with a green logo and all ^^
oh and November is almost here.. isn't that great?

post-drone is brilliant and I just invented it ^^

my right arm is bigger than my left arm... my fucking right arm is bigger (biceps that is) and.. like that wouldn't be enough.. my left arms fingers are longer than the ones on my right arm.. damn.. I am getting more asymmetric by day.. damn xD
Hyatari is bloody brilliant... it's fucking post-drone and yes I know I just invented a new genre but listen to them.. specially to They Will Surface it is bloody post-drone and I love it ^^
the new song's getting quite neat I think.. full of rage and stuff :3 I think it's good that I came up with melody a bit too hard for myself to play.. so practicing it will rise my skill level.. I think it's silly if you only try to stay in thous lines you are comfortable with while creating something new.. there is no progress in there you know
oh.. and I need a bigger pick

The Baying Of The Hounds (by Opeth)

woke up in an empty flat.. so they are gone I guess... I simply feel better left alone that's just how it is... at least.. left alone by ones noisy and simply passing by... you know what I mean don't you?
suicides and lesbians and self harm of curse.. why am I so very attracted to thous things? *sigh* it can't really be explained can it? oh well I bet it can be but then again it would ask for some deep sinking into my.. khe.. childhood traumas *giggle*
I think I finished the song.. maybe a verse or two could be added but the words are there and melody as well and damn even a chorus and a bit weird ending.. ohh right.. I wanted to try to come up with some fancy intro.. right.. right... but I think it's quite good in general.. acoustic dsbm you might even say *giggle*

9 tin cans

life's irony
happily singing adult and laughing child in one room
and crying teenager sitting in dark in the room next to it
I just want to stand up and walk.. walk away in the night outside.. maybe have a smoke and just.. fuck it all.. maybe I should do it.. just stand up and walk away...
I hate how everything has to be the way you like it... you know what? fuck you... fuck you very much and I don't even care if you hear me or not.. you've never really had anyway
I also want to get fucked up really really fucked up and then die

old Tristania is good Tristania

I could never be a nanny I am not good with little kids.. simply don't know what to do with them.. ehh... actually I don't even know what to do with mates my own age xD
finished watching Simone.. it was nice all right could have had a but more of yuri and then it would have been perfect but it was lovely anyway.. only thing that saddens me is that now I have one less yuri anime to watch they don't make then often and it sucks a lot.. but I am not completely out of them yet so don't panic :3
oh and I figured out how to get thous things from my cam into pc so yeey I'll have something to do tonight ^^

Alone (by Forgotten Tomb)

all that psychology bullshit.. it's all about childhood traumas isn't it? your fucked upness must be somehow linked to your childhood and some sorta trauma you've had during that period... and what thous fuckers do ehh? they find this link weather it is there or not.. they find it and show it to you saying look... this is why you are fucked up.... but let me ask you this... what.. the fuck does it give to me?!! ehh?!! how the fuck know it will help me??? you are ignoring your problems they say... fuck them.. I am not ignoring my problems.. maybe once I did but not now that's for sure... I know that they are there.. I accept it... actually.. they've become a part of me.. almost a vital part of me... ohh and how I hate when people ask whats wrong with me and expects from me to give them some shitty clear answer like "my parents are divorcing" or "my marks are getting really low" or "my boyfriend left me" or "my dog died" or something like that... clear and simple.. something that for sure would bring anyone down but you see.. it's not like that with me.. and even if I try to explain... I don't need your fucking judgmental eyes.. I am sick of them I have enough of them in my head already and don't even dare to reproach me for my tries to hide.. you have a mask of your own so don't even fucking dare to reproach me... I am not ignoring my problems.. can you see the scars I bare with me.. thous are marks from the night time fights with my demons

hit in progress

I am home.. yeey ^^
the practice was great and we really made some progress what is awesome of curse.. it all was great but I think the part on the tram stop was the best one and we really should make that song cause it has a great chance to become a hit I tell you that.. two words is all we need two words are the core of it all so why bother with more?
I got a new ring.. hell yeah \m/ ^^ \m/
that little chick really is disturbing and unpleasant

tududududud BEER!!!! tittitititi VODKA!!!!

ohh and by the way... happy Mole day everyone :3

Saturnine (by The Gathering)

school is over at least for this month isn't that nice? ^^
the day was really nice.. the little ones got good lesson and I got to film it all awesome is awesome.. I told that we should go somewhere and we did.. it was really nice and totally worth it wasn't it? some incidents always happen.. just don't mind them..
did you knew that tomorrow is the Mole day? isn't that ever so awesome? *giggle* all praise the lord
I think I've found my band of the upcoming week... The Gathering [Anneke is ever so brilliant, gorgeous and just utterly awesome] "you don't need to preach you don't have to love me.... all the time"

shade of an early morming

I overslept.. again.. argh I hate it so much it makes rest of the day all like.. fuck this shit.. just wanted to get out of there as fast as I could.. damn... head hurts a bit but it's all right it's all fine... starting to loose any will to keep up my happy image in front of them.. what's the point? just don't.. don't don't don't.. lately I've been saying to myself over and over again.. just don't.. don't... I am a bit tired but it's all right it's all fine.. keep yourself together little girl there is not place for a mental breakdown now.. at least not a fast one... keep it slow

なんなん (by Mass of the Fermenting Dregs)

the bale was brilliant.. I feel so cultural now :3
middle of week so the most part is over *whew*
I wanted to say something... hmm
Mass of the Fermenting Dregs are awesome <3
I am not sporty.. not at all.. I used to be at least a bit.. now I totally am not but ehh.. can't do everything right? ;-)
k.. home late.. should get to studying..
see ya then ;-)

the day number 19 and I am still here

another day another lesson
why there were so many blue things there? did it really tried to show me something? I don't know... maybe... maybe I'm just imagining things again.. as always...
"No, Thank you!" is such a hype song.. seriously.. give it a try.. and read the lyrics too... rock out \m/
ehh.. should study now.. but I don't really want to.. but I should.. I ought to... ehh..
I like mornings.. they are so nice.. city's waking.. no ones yet around.. so nice
and I've lost it.. somewhere.. somehow.. but it's all right it's ok... maybe I'm better off without it you know.. maybe I never really had it in the first place..

oh what a lovely day to die

today I should say something new... but there is nothing new to be told.. there has never been anything new actually... things just repeat themselves...
the poetic thing was nice.. but I don't think I wrote anything worthy.. actually I have never written anything worthy.. at least not worthy to others.. I think.. but I don't know... I don't know a lot of things..
all is full of potential force.. it doesn't give me a shit though
everyone is full of potential actions... they don't change a shit
so everything stays as it is and simply repeats itself over and over again

Eternal Damnation (by Ragnarok)

you came to me... in a dream.. it was you wasn't it?... but then you disappeared.. I never got to say goodbye... but maybe that's for better... maybe that means we'll meet again... someday... somehow... I'll be waiting and silently hope that you're waiting too

Falling Snow (by Agalloch)

today was... actually really awesome.. got pancakes for breakfast and I think we did a bloody good job.. I plaid the song again and realized how fucking awesome it is ^^ the play was nice.. I liked the whole idea about author as part of it...
I just hope that this day didn't turn out so nice just because I had a horrible night

oh and it snowed today as well.. first time this season.. and ahh.. it was ever so stunningly beautiful :3

Sledge-Hammered Heart (by Totalselfhatred)

I want to be down.. as down as I possible can... cause she gets sorry for me then and leaves me alone...
I want to cry.. get in the corner and cry.. cry till I pass out.. maybe when I wake up you will be here... then you will kiss me and say that I belong... that I finally belong
I went wrong... somewhere in my path I went so very wrong... now I am utterly lost
I am so very sorry.. to all thous lives I've interrupted with my actions.. with my presence... I wish I could go back.. before it all started.. to never make that wrong turn.. maybe then it all would have been fine and I would have done such horrible things...
when ever I get too close to someone I tend to fuck it all up in one way or another
I have such clumsy clumsy hands...
will I ever get out of this lacuna coil?

run, hide, cover up, die

and then they passed... from right to left... disappeared and reappeared just to let me know that they are leaving again..
and don't really know what should I say today
it rained.. which was nice of curse.. I think it still rains.. what is even better..
I want to listen to a lot of dsbm and watch a lot of yuri....
will they come after me? no ones coming after me...
stagnation
something's missing
don't you just love it when.... and I hate you even more
my journey in the underworld

rapture

I should say something today as well right?
my hand hurts :< that fast picking thing aynt that easy.. ohh what can possibly be there that hard? just move your hand real fast and that's all... you know what... if you do so you will only get some off time asimetric shreding and that's good for nothing... but I think I am doing better then when I started so... that's more than nothing ^^
it's damn cold in here.. I like it when it's cold outside but I want my place to be warm... maybe I should put on some gloves...
the morning was brilliant.. the sky above simply magnificent.. looked like it's bleeding.. like there would have been a massacre in heaven and all the angels would bleed all over the space above..
still thinking should I or should I not lock myself utterly up... it's not like I am really that much needed by anyone I think.. company is always nice I understand that but I think I could be simply replicable... ohh if only it would make her go away... that voice in my head.. it's starting to get really annoying.. it's like I can't do anything without being criticized... I have to admit she is right.. at least most of the time but still... when I think back it almost feels like I've been criticized for everything I do my whole life... if not by others then by myself.. or her cause really at the moment she is branching off my entity and becoming an individual one.... and now again.. can you hear it? off curse I am NOT FUCKING ONLY ONE!!!! everyone I think have it the same way but god.... you don't have to rub it in my face again and again and again.... everything I say is wrong.. I guess I should just shut up then... you would like it wouldn't you?

random entry title

there's really nothing much to say.. the days passes.. fungi makes me all sleepy [still]

having this urge to lock myself up... isolate... be that sad little girl
run away and hide.. this is not my place.. there should be someone else in this place.. they want someone else in this place.. they accept me but.... something's missing.... something's missing something's missing....

wait for me.. outside.. will you hold on? can you hold on?
I know that you are waiting... at least with this thought I comfort myself... I am waiting too

silent