utterly awesome is awesome

I <3 Bette ^^

"..instead it festered into a pathology and I think the some of it made me pretty disfunctional you know... probably made me into the disfunctional lair that I was for a most of my young kinda life... [..] I don't know I think that's why I write cause you just want to get all this stuff out"

-Jenny, The L Word 4x2


see? I am not the only one who says that

Everything Invaded (by Moonspell)

hey.... yeah I just wanted to say... since the road home sparked some thoughts in my head and the trouble falling sleep later on made the grow larger... I don't really know if I should be sorry for the things I do and don't do... have done and will do... I've been sorry for so many things in my life but it has never really made a difference... and what does sorry mean at all? that you would like to take back the things you've done the words you've said.. you know what? you can't and if the things you've said and done makes you look like an egocentrical whore well then you are one... live whit it.. and I will try too...
I don't know how to communicate whit people that aren't just your everyday friend... you know.. the usual mate you see now and then and can chat about some everyday shit... I've never really had [and here I refer to time period between my birth and the beginning of my high school days cause by the time I got into high school the way I look to people and relationships was so fucked up there is no way I could talk in clean terms] that one true bff... the mate you have always by your side and can talk to about everything and anything at all... the person who knows everything about you and you know everything about... I don't really know but should you have someone like that in your earlier days? I know that for some people this function has been overtaken by their brothers/sisters but since I am the only child this option falls off for me.... maybe that's why I've trouble to talk about myself now.... cause I've never really done that and because of that for me it mostly seems that if someone's asking how are you doing or so.. they don't really want to know how are you doing.. they just want to have a chance to tell someone how they are doing.. they don't really give a crap about you and why should they? they see you only now and then... the most probably would give a crap if you somehow get in hospital or get married or something like that.. they are your friends after all but as long as you're doing fine... maybe I see this in such way cause I've never really talked about myself... I've never really trusted anyone... the few times I did I ended up on the edge of an utter mental breakdown... hmm I wonder what could I've learned from that?.....

alphabet my way

I'll let someone else talk in my place

KFC is Krieg

Blackwater Park (by Opeth)

she says she can't write? how is that possible.. I've seen her doing that.. she says she can not write... has she tried? of curse she has and more than once but there isn't any use.. has she really tried? yes?... then that's why she says she can't write.. if she has really tried it is for no use.. someone made her do that.. who? they? others? herself? why the fuck is she trying if she don't want to? if you don't want to write then don't I would say.. if you don't feel like you must then don't.. seriously don't.. if she feels like she can't.. then don't.. there are plenty of other.. better things to do... why am I writing? because I feel like I must get things out of my mind.. cause if I put them down they won't spin in my head in circles making me feel all dizzy inside... write only if you feel like you must... writing is good for my health.. to keep everything inside... thous thoughts start to rot infecting the good ones as well... I am a mess my head is a mess.. a pile of everything and nothing.. I have no box system.. I think I had one once.. a long time ago... now it's only a pile so now and then I must take something out before it starts to rot... she says she can't write... sounds like she doesn't have to.. then why bother yourself and try? I suppose she can store the things in her head without the need to take something out... I envy her then... truly I do... but if she still would like to try.. maybe just for the sake of "and what if I manage to?" all I can say... start by little.. like.. "Dear diary.. today I had backed potatoes for lunch.. I like baked potatoes.. they make up the main part of my diet" cause you know.. when you have a chance to look back to the things you've had in your mind in past... it's truly interesting and helps on self exploring a lot.... as for myself.. besides all that including the self exploring part.. I really love to over read some stuffs I have put down.. to read and thing "you know what? this really is something good.. and I don't really care if anyone else think it's crap"