have you seen her? she's magnificent

so... last week.. crazy ass shit xD
but it was really cool feeling to wake up later and go to do some business not study stuff... at the end I was starting to slip out cause of curse.. that doesn't fit and that we can not do oh no wait we can do that so we need some material oh and don't forget to change that stuff there and rewrite it and we still need that rope..
but at the end it all went really well and I think we were quite awesome ^^ now they all say I have to become an actress like... seriously guys? xD
and guess what? I even managed to flee from there unnoticed ^^ if only it would have been a little warmer but oh well..
you know how they say that when you are drunk you reveal your true face.. your everyday mask falls.. it's mostly then when we realize how fucking ugly the people around as are and that we actually should hate them and stuff.. or at least it makes us like them a little bit less... but she.. she gets even lovelier and more beautiful.. and she is not making a fool of herself like most people do.. and that was so magical.. to sit there while she tells me about her second thoughts but not in a usual away.. she speaks to me as if she knows I can read her mind.. as if she knows she doesn't have to say it out loud for me to understand.. that she can just ask what do I think about it.. just like that "and what do you think about it" without even saying what that it is... and I will get her.. and I really did..
and that kiss oh that kiss.. it's interesting how it always happens with us.. I say something sweet, then she kisses me and then well... but there were other people in the room so we couldn't get that far but god how hard it was for me not to.. cause it felt like all my insides were on fire.. like I would have taken some sort of a drug.. I had never felt anything so powerful before... and that atmosphere and... if we only were alone there that would be like an utter perfection.. but if we were alone I would have never heard that you think I am something genius that has happened to you... I am flattered my dear :3 [even if you don't remember saying that]
and that one moment in the morning when you sat in front of me and the sun rays were falling behind you... your face.. it almost seemed like the most beautiful thing I had ever seen and I think it just might be the most beautiful thing I've ever seen
and I never want it to leave and fade away from my life

look.. I can see the sun rising oh I really can.. it's bringther now than it was before

I just hope that one day she'll stop waiting for the day I'll leave her. I also hope that one she won't decide to go [how it seems] the easiest way.. getting back to where she was before cause you know.. we are used to places we've been into for long time. And in the end I hope as well that I will never let them overtake me and drag me to where I came from.. saying that it's safer there... saying that I am meant to be there not here... I don't want to be there I want to be here and I want her to stay here as well cause no matter what the demons tells us... it's safe here.. it's safer here then it was there [well... at least for me that I know for sure]

Katatonia - Criminals

"The way the light hits the room
The way I am unable to protect you
O I'm running away
I will never forgive myself
For running away from you

So gather your strength and break free
Or you will surely die
So gather your strength don't follow me
'Cause I will surely die

Way my eyes cannot move
Way I hope to be protected
And for one moment I thought
That I was lost among the lights of houses

My dreams
Dreams of violence
See them coming true"



why do I have this urge to relate this song to myself? it's not true.. not true... please stay.. I won't run away.. not this time

hold on little girl

Depressant


Anti-Depressant

was that a knock on my door?

this is what you've been waiting for right? this is what you have been waiting for you bitch.. now feast.. please be my dear guest as you have been for so many times and feast.. oh there is plenty for everyone.. so feast... don't be ashamed I know you've been waiting for this.. you stayed in the shade for all this time to burst to my doors now with all your strength... you little filthy whore.. yes I am on the floor again so please be my guest and feast.. there's plenty for everyone... but it's ok it's all right... I've survived this many times and now there's even hope.. it might be just temporary.. so feast my dear bitch.. feast while you can

Mirror Of The Sick Soul

I feel sick... tired and sick..
and I don't know what to do.. I thought I could I even had a plan
I look at her and feel nothing..
no guilt no grief no remorse no pain no pleasure no joy no love no hate no disappointment no empathy
nothing
my mind still cares about her and quite a lot to be honest but my heart.. I look at her and I feel nothing.. I don't know how she has done that.. she must be very powerful to be able to create such a wall around herself.. maybe I am just that weak.. I am so weak.. so weak.. so.. useless.. and here she comes again and says to look at myself.. can't I see? I bring only pain and misery.. I am destructive I am the destructor.. I am infectious.. I should lock myself up so no one can ever get infected by shut up shut up shut up shutup shutup shutup shutup shutupshutupshutupshutupshutupshutupshutupshutupshutupshutupshutupshutupshutupshutupshutupshutupshutupshutupshutupshutupshutupshutupshutupshutupshutupshutupshutupshutupshutupshutupshutup....... I WILL NOT LET YOU DO THIS TO ME AGAIN....
and I whisper to myself.. it will blow over it will blow over you're just tired it will blow over...







save me

first rays of light over a frozen ground

if only she could see herself trough my eyes. I wish I could show her the way I see her. then she would have to admit that she's beautiful.. and it hurts so bad each time she doubts that.. if only I would know what to do.. how to show her how beautiful she is.. I say it. she calls me a liar.. she doesn't believe.. she thinks I'm imagining things.. she says I am blind and only dreaming but for the first time in my life I feel like I am out of the dream.. and I see her and she is so beautiful and it hurts so bad each time she doubts it.. if only she would know exactly how bad it hurts.. maybe then she would understand... she says she doesn't believe and leaves.. my hand reaches for the.. but it's no longer there.. right.. I took it away.. thought I won't want it... she is so beautiful.. and it hurts so bad.. if only I could show her