To Rid The Disease

I feel so weak... why do I take everything so deep too seriously?
I feel so fragile....
for a time I thought I've become stronger.. but no that was just another illusion... I suppose that's just the way I am..... unstable... I wonder how long will this last till it's finally done.. till my life is finally done.. -giggle- with nerves like mines it's miracle I am still here not in the white house.. I am a good actress what can I say? -giggle- I feel so weak.... like the lightest blow could be make come crashing down... will I ever become stronger?........ maybe.. for a second but it won't last no.... I feel so fragile... like the softest touch could make me split into tiny peaces.. never to be put together again.. I can only sit and look with my thoughts dizling around... around the objects in the room.. around you.... I can not move my arms are tide.. I can not talk my words are stones... I am back here again just where I started -giggle- ready for another round? -sigh-
"and I would freeze if you ever asked me.. that was my way"
"how I am losing this all it's just the way I live"

and how are you doin'?

"Guest_Wesinator98: you have a lot of good insight. why is it that teens from the U.S. are so immature and yet there are people like you out there that change the way we look at the world?"

seems as quite a nice guy.. for a shame later on when asking what makes him.. khem... weird for the casual ones

"Guest_Wesinator98: i love sticking out in the crowd and i always have. i dont know why but i just love it. i like to let God take control of my life and see what he does with me after i let Him have control. He keeps me different from the rest. i just love to stick out and bug people if it brings them to Him"

damn.... [read again the last sentence].... -sigh- that's a shame what else can I say?

look! it's a rainbow

is it coming? yes... I think it is -manic giggle- I can hear it just behind my doors.. it's gonna knock every second now.... I need some tea... I am becoming a teachoholic... great xD oh... I can feel the breath on my neck.. can feel it's eyes burning in my back... my dearest you're back -warm smile- I though I had lost you.. -giggle- hoped a bit I had lost you.. but well I guess this is a two person play to play so welcome back ^^
"I will swallow if it will help my sea level go down I take a deep deep breath but I ll come back to haunt you if I drown"
how strange it seems... the games of mind.. am I real here? am I true here? am I honest to myself? am I honest to you? or am I just dilutional.. am I dreaming again? I can see figures before me they move all around me.. no faces can I see... and it seems like the air is trembling like a string.. oh and what a music it makes.. this tense reminds me of noise.. Merzbow you know...
"in the nights of old I always wished
trough the longest year that had me down
and I would freeze if you ever asked me
that was... my way"


p.s. I'll watch the movies if you'll read this [it's a manga so should be read from right to left not from left to right like we are so used to]

Dead is the New Alive

why I did what I did?
1)I wanted to see how it would be like without
2)I had to pay more attention to the board
3)as I already said I was afraid to get sick and maybe I just felt without realizing that the 500 days are nearly over and you know what happens at the end of them [and it really did happened I started to hate as much as I used to love]
4)I wanted to show you how it would be without
5)the distance will stand between one day and we have to face it the thing is how we'll get over it
6)I wanted to see your reaction
7)not only distance but also people will stand between and I had to face it cause if it would have happened before I don't know if I could have accepted it and in what state it would lead me in

I thought I had become stronger but it seems that one night is enough to crack me again

I missed you and at the moment I do too

how can thou ask from me to reveal myself up thee while thouself remains locked?

"Doubt thou, the Stars are fire,
Doubt that the Sun doth move,
Doubt Truth to be a liar,
But never doubt, I love."

I Want My Innocence Back

You... My Ruin

listen to me while reading this or there will be no point in anything I say

it was raining outside and it was raining inside too... I hadn't had cried for so very long [during Skyforger - Last Battle doesn't count] it looks like I do can still do that... I am not a party person and with each one I understand it more and more clearly.. tea party is my kinda party.. where people just sit, enjoy a good cup of tea and falls into hours long conversations about small and general as well big and deeply personal things... while thinking about the times I've spend with my friends as the most pleasureful ones I remember the ones where we were just somewhere out.. siting and talking and talking not because we had to fill the disturbing silence no.. talking because we had something to say and, what is most wonderful, we had someone who would listen to us.... I have a friend she lives in another city.. we meet each other very rarely but when we do... we will take the bikes, ride to some nice and quiet place and just talk.. if we would meet each other more often maybe we wouldn't have things to talk about but as it happens so rare we are able to simply sit in a forest or a river coast and share the things that's been bugging or heads... thous moments are the ones I do enjoy the most....
I need someone who would come to my tea party.. I am tired of talking with stuffed animals and they never drink their tea..
I need a lover... someone who would want my flesh and nothing more "your skin is all I want to take from you"
today in tram I saw a tall black figure with long red hair.. I've seen her before but first time this close.. I have to admit it I don't really like her face but... her hands... pale white with long black nails and long slim fingers it almost seemed they were made of porcelain.. and her skin.. in the light of the pale day it looked almost like made of rubber -giggle- but it caught my eye and I couldn't stop but to admire it
I wonder if someone will ever get to me.. so far away I am now... I wonder if someone won't give up on their path.. so very long it is so whats the point? and I wonder.. if anyone will ever get here.. will there be anything left?

look what I run into while whandering in the land of youtube

22. 05. 2010.

today I learned to play My Dying Bride - Black Heart Romance
and Katatonia - Teargas



almost -wink-

My Hope The Destroyer

what's the point of having a hope? they always die as they lay on the naked floor.. if you want to get something you have to work till you get it.. hoping gives you nothing but a chance that the hope will die and seeing as they do just one by one in a row till none is left.. it's nothing enjoyable...
what's the point of getting attached to someone? everyone will leave you sooner or later and when they go.. as stronger the bound between you will be as more the absence of that person will damage you, tear you apart, rip a lump out of your flesh and leave you there.. alone and bleeding.. of curse it's nice to have someone close but.. sooner or later they all will leave...
are the moments spent together worth the bleeding that absence will bring?
I am still no sure... afraid so afraid.. so I keep my distance.. -sigh-



My Dying Bride album "The Dreadful Hours" in the background playing

sentences

and that is exactly why I love my music so much.. nothing means more to me than that.. I get so attached to lyrics that most of the time my music can talk in my place.. if you want to understand me you must understand my music first.. if you want me to notice you, you have to notice my music first.. to get to me you first have to go trough my music [right now I am listening to Katatonia and... well if you love them I will love you too no matter who you are ^^]

and even if I try.. there's a small chance you would understand

so simply as it is but true as well..


it's taken from "Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind" by the way
I love that movie

this one's taken from that movie too ^^

20.05.2010.

today I met a na'vi for the first time... her name was KDHlove and she was "looking for a date from a nether avatar"
=^.^=

everything dies you have to realise that

do you get it when I say that I get the point of what I am talking about?

I hate it when people say that I don't get something though actually they are the ones that doesn't get what I am saying while I am getting the thing perfectly well.. like you know
-hey.. you don't get it.. it's meant like this not the way you are thinking
-what? no... I get it all right.. you are the one who's not getting what I am saying...


khem.. so you are saying that I talk senseless things? for you.. maybe... but what do I care... if you don't get what I am saying you were never meant to so just shut up

disheartenment

tik-tik-tik-tik clock smashing in my head
with it's massive metal fist always hitting trough my skull
you have no time little girl
he yells at me trough his razor teeth
one clear point fixed at horizon
everything around is blur
I wish I could stop just for second
to see where I am to see with who I am
but if I stop the clock will get me
smash my head all on the floor
bleed to death without a choice
tired and sick I run with eyes closed
terror of ticking pulsing trough vanes
afraid so afraid that if stop I will die






wait for me.. outside.. will you hold on? can you hold on? wait for me.. outside.. will you hold on? can you hold on? wait for me... outside.. will you hold on? can you hold on? wait for me. outside.. will you hold on?.. can you hold on? wait for me... outside. will you hold on? can you hold on? wait for me... outside.. will you hold on? can you hold on?.. wait for me.. outside will you hold on? can you hold on?

what are you looking at?

Evnin' mates!

my tummy hurts so f-ing much but I have no frikin' idea what I ate that could cause this thingy so yeah.. I am in quite unpleasant pain at the moment but on the other hand I am in bloody good mood -giggle- I have no idea why.. maybe pain just makes me happy xD no but seriously... am I that fucked up lolz just feel like giggling that's all -giggle-
oh yeah.. so to the point.. I wanted to post this some days ago but kinda forget to do that so here it goes now
some days ago.. it might have been 4day or something like that I was just going to my bus to get home from school and my everyday path leads me trough an open-air market so yeah I am just going trough it as always.. tons of people around but that's normal... it was really sunny that day so I had my sun glasses on... but I don't have just you're everyday usual 21th century sun glasses no...
mines are thous really cool old-school round ones.. you know.. ozzy glasses.. last year I was desperate to get ones but there were none no matter where I looked starting from special sunglasses shops and ending with junk market but they were nowhere to be found.. in the end I somehow managed to get blue ones but one of it's glass were damaged and they were a little bigger than I wanted to so I continued my search for the perfect ones... after couple of months an open-air vintage fest took place near by and guess what? my ideal pair were waiting for me there... but... a friend of mine with whom I went to that event managed to get them before me but for me [that wicked little thing] so I had to wait a bit more till my Bday when I eventually get them.. yeeey :3 so yeah in conclusion I just wanted to say that a great search were involved in me getting them...
but back to that sunny day now... so I am walking to my bus trough the marked with me glasses on and what do I see before me? a guy coming right my way.... and what's so special about that guy? the thing that.... he is wearing [b]the same exact glasses as I am[/b]... from all the people and all the places he is now passing me right there and then.... as passing we looked each other in the eye and exchanged smiles to then just walk further on or own paths....
small is the world ayn't it? -wink-

You there Bringer of my despair

- why are you sad?
you asked
- I am not sad
- then why are you crying?
- it's the rain falling
- I can give you an umbrella
- they make me sick
then a pause interrupted our conversation.. I looked above.. thousands of daggers were striking upon me and I felt liquor dropping down my face... I unclosed my eyes and I saw you.. I saw you drown... down the water I saw you drown... your moon white arm stretching upwards.. catching the daggers.. fingers spread so wide... I saw you drown.. down the water I saw you drown...... life is full of darkness and murderers come my way.. some day you will join them and I will let you in

tonight my head is full of wishes
and everything I drink is full of her