clearity

before I start... please put this on the loop for the background cause that's what I listened to while writing and that's what I am dearly asking from you to hear as you're reading


the time has come when I should explain myself a little especially to one person I think you know that I am talking about you and if you don't well then I tell you I am... I once already tried this when you asked me but.. I am not too good at making sensible responses by the spoken word when asked in person... my way is the written word not the spoken so I hope I'll be able to make myself clearer in here now....
so... lately as you well have noticed it I've become a bit different and that is true I have changed indeed... but it didn't happened over one night the process started already quite some time ago only now did I took it to surface... to put it short I think I've grown up if I might say so but please from the things I am going to say now take none for granted.. nothing can ever be 100% true or false when talked about the way of one.. I will talk about the general but of curse there are always exceptions... so once again please remember that the way I've taken now is not strict is not the only way it's all just in general k? with that cleared up I'll continue now with reviling of the way I am now [not like it's something drasticly new just more visible than before]
in my core I am quiet person... person who better listens than speaks, person who likes to look on things from the side without being in the middle of them but I think you know all this already at least I hope you do.... in my early days [the days which is in a past now] I was quite active person... person who talks a lot and makes jokes and well just someone with whom it was fun to be with most of the time... you know that hanging out fun type who'll giggle about random things never being too serious..... I am sorry that I have to admit this but that time has passed that me has passed now I am getting rid of my outer shell... the shell that has sucked so much within itself the shell that I am thankful for cause without it my life would be a lot different and I wouldn't have the people around me that I have now.... but the shell has done it's job and I have no need for it anymore.. I've grown strong inaf inside so now I can walk further without it.... now I am becoming the way I truly am... serious and silent... specially in school and the all of the time when school work is the primaly thing in my head... right now the process of learning is the main part of my life and I try to avoid anything that could disturb me in it... and one of the main things is being too close to someone.. by the time my mind has built up a protection system that works without me controlling it... when ever I get too close to someone it turns on and suddenly I start to act really unpleasant when within contact with that particular person.. I try to make myself an asshole in the eyes of that person so he/she wouldn't like me anymore and would keep the distance themselves..... I do this without noticing it and mostly I realise what I am doing too late to try to undo it... this is not what I do on purpose... that's just something my mind has built up because of my past.. it learns from it's mistakes but it never consults me -sigh-
anywho.... all I wish is that you could look on me as a new and different person... someone you had just met and don't know almost anything about cause the image we create for the persons we know makes it really difficult to understand and accept the changes that's happening cause we almost always want things to stay as they used to be but they don't and we have to accept it.... what I would like to ask from you is that... you should try to look on me from the side a little to clearly see who I am now and then decide what you want to do and how you want to do it.....
in the end.. I just would like to thank you for all that you've done for me maybe even without realizing it yourself... without you... it's terrifying to think what would have been without so thank you... a lot....
oh... and just a little advice... always have plan B for everything you do... always have a second possibility so you can get what you want to no matter what the circumstances are.........