the longest year that had me down

In the nights of old I always wished
In the longest year that had me down
And I would freeze if you ever asked me
That was my way

[x2]
Confront the guilt and try to overcome
Do not go away
I'm not there yet

[Chorus:]
I can see fire
When I fall behind (fall behind)
When I give up
My thoughts redefined
How cold is the flame
Of our uncompromising future
How cold is the sun

The city lights fading still
The coming sky so white
And I'm the dark of this our new day
This is my way

Find the one
This weight will hold me down
How cold is the sun

[Chorus]

oh... hello ^^

after an quite long absence I got back on IMVU today
it's a fun little thing.. and it's always interesting what other people say about you
like this guy just now

Guest_cheengkit: everything of you
Guest_cheengkit: are scary huh

-giggle- aynt that sweet? =3



that's how I look there by the way ^^

Pietà

I just finished reading this manga called Pietà and..... what can I say.. that was the best mange I've ever read and the first one that really made me cry -giggle- I can only wish that...... yeah

you can get it here and short what-about here

"No matter where you are
I'll find you
again and again.

And when we'll
come here.

We'll spread our wings,
which where folded inside time.

And space will begin to sing

a song not yet known to a single person."

passing by

I could go on like this forever
walking, walking, walking, walking
head bowed down as in a fever
left and right and left and right

each step I take it gets me closer
the end of road is getting nearer
the end of an infinite road

I could go on like this forever
each step I take it draws me further
head is heavy and it sinks lower
each step I take just makes it harder

the head gets fuller
and it sinks even lower
closer to the grey colored ground

I could go on like this forever
each step I take the head sinks further
until the end of road has come
and my head's so low
it dives in the ground

midwinter

day is passing the dawn approaches
sun falls in the underground
for a moment.. just before it leaves the sky
it seems as morning would have came
light so bright shines in the eyes
hope and joy of newcoming day

just before it dives under
hope gets lit and it seems all right

for a moment it seems

but then as earth swallows the sun
light's blown off by the lips of night
and the hope that brightness gave
a moment before it died
was nothing but a lie

Black Session

I used to love
oh how I loved
but
"what if you love someone you know
you shouldn't love?"
and then all of a sudden
it all comes crushing down
"and I just can't get back
the feeling I had for you"
and now at the edge where I am
"Not close enough for you
To hear a breath or steal a sigh
But just close enough for me
To take a step and pass you by"
"I'd like to try to live my life again
I'd like to see where I was going wrong"
what ever happened
that made this way?
I feel stronger now
but at the same time
I'm ever so weak
and when ever I try to talk
"my lips are dry you
gave me drugs to try"
and I wonder
did I hit my head once again?
cause now it feels like
my 500 days of summer are passing
and I don't know
weather it's for good or not
I feel so weak
but maybe
it's all just in my head
"always closing down myself
lower sights and never see
worlds of noise and worlds of light
expecting not to be"
it's my own fault isn't it?
but
"what if you love someone you know
you shouldn't love?"
I feel so cold and I wonder
what ever made me this way?
I feel so cold and I wonder
who ever made me this way?
and I know I know
I am the one to blame
and I know I know
I am taking it all to personal again
and I know I know
it looks like I never was there
I never shouted that I was
kept it all to myself
as always.....
just not supposed to be
my 500 days of summer are passing
at least it feels like it
but maybe it's all just in my head
maybe it's all just an illusion
and now I wonder
was it ever there?
were you ever there?
am I taking it too personal
but you don't know
oh how could you know
I keep it to myself
as always...
just not supposed to be
the way I should.. the way you would have deserved
"gone is the darkness that I once called my home
or have I become it?"

and I could go one like this forever but.... what's the point? it most probably will just make everything worse......... my days are counted... the leaves are falling

"repeating cycle of light, no light
repeating cycle of love, no love"

I am progressive I eat lotus

I just noticed that there's an Opeth song named The Lotus Eater.... seriously? The Lotus Eater? what the?..... it's a nice song tough... the part from 5:44 with that synth thing is especially nice
but tell me... why lotus? why would anyone want to eat lotus and for what sake? and why should someone want to name a song after some weird thing that's eating lotus? is it some new type of progression? Lotus is big and pretty lets eat it that will be progressive yeah.... but maybe if you eat lotus you become big and pretty yourself and who wouldn't like to be big and pretty?.......... me.... I wouldn't... big.. no way... pretty? I am gorgeous already so why I would want to become pretty? pretty is cute and I am not cute at all... maybe sometimes.... quite a lot of times... but it's not like I am cute all the time.... I think.. -thinks- anywho..... lets save the plants and don't eat them k kids?
and yes I know this all is gibberish but I am getting sleepy and that means the senseless blogger inside me is awaking... I am not even sure if the title means what I at the moment think that it means I bet it doesn't khe....
don't eat plants they have as much rights to live as you you old skunk and actually even more rights that you I can bet

clearity

before I start... please put this on the loop for the background cause that's what I listened to while writing and that's what I am dearly asking from you to hear as you're reading


the time has come when I should explain myself a little especially to one person I think you know that I am talking about you and if you don't well then I tell you I am... I once already tried this when you asked me but.. I am not too good at making sensible responses by the spoken word when asked in person... my way is the written word not the spoken so I hope I'll be able to make myself clearer in here now....
so... lately as you well have noticed it I've become a bit different and that is true I have changed indeed... but it didn't happened over one night the process started already quite some time ago only now did I took it to surface... to put it short I think I've grown up if I might say so but please from the things I am going to say now take none for granted.. nothing can ever be 100% true or false when talked about the way of one.. I will talk about the general but of curse there are always exceptions... so once again please remember that the way I've taken now is not strict is not the only way it's all just in general k? with that cleared up I'll continue now with reviling of the way I am now [not like it's something drasticly new just more visible than before]
in my core I am quiet person... person who better listens than speaks, person who likes to look on things from the side without being in the middle of them but I think you know all this already at least I hope you do.... in my early days [the days which is in a past now] I was quite active person... person who talks a lot and makes jokes and well just someone with whom it was fun to be with most of the time... you know that hanging out fun type who'll giggle about random things never being too serious..... I am sorry that I have to admit this but that time has passed that me has passed now I am getting rid of my outer shell... the shell that has sucked so much within itself the shell that I am thankful for cause without it my life would be a lot different and I wouldn't have the people around me that I have now.... but the shell has done it's job and I have no need for it anymore.. I've grown strong inaf inside so now I can walk further without it.... now I am becoming the way I truly am... serious and silent... specially in school and the all of the time when school work is the primaly thing in my head... right now the process of learning is the main part of my life and I try to avoid anything that could disturb me in it... and one of the main things is being too close to someone.. by the time my mind has built up a protection system that works without me controlling it... when ever I get too close to someone it turns on and suddenly I start to act really unpleasant when within contact with that particular person.. I try to make myself an asshole in the eyes of that person so he/she wouldn't like me anymore and would keep the distance themselves..... I do this without noticing it and mostly I realise what I am doing too late to try to undo it... this is not what I do on purpose... that's just something my mind has built up because of my past.. it learns from it's mistakes but it never consults me -sigh-
anywho.... all I wish is that you could look on me as a new and different person... someone you had just met and don't know almost anything about cause the image we create for the persons we know makes it really difficult to understand and accept the changes that's happening cause we almost always want things to stay as they used to be but they don't and we have to accept it.... what I would like to ask from you is that... you should try to look on me from the side a little to clearly see who I am now and then decide what you want to do and how you want to do it.....
in the end.. I just would like to thank you for all that you've done for me maybe even without realizing it yourself... without you... it's terrifying to think what would have been without so thank you... a lot....
oh... and just a little advice... always have plan B for everything you do... always have a second possibility so you can get what you want to no matter what the circumstances are.........

knife somewhere below

last night I had a dream... I don't have them too often but when I do they're mostly quite strange or just gibberish all trough.. in this one I was in a class and the lesson was in progress.. there were a lot of stools and they were put in some half circle like position.. it was almost crowded there and I was in the end part of the class I can't remember what was really happening on there can't remember anything at all but one.. a girl I know [at least I think I know her.. face seemed familiar though at the moment I can not recall who she might have been] was making out with another which I don't know [and that's for sure] and I was just staring at them with an empty head just like that.... I suppose I've read too much of lililicious manga lately -giggle- I also have been listening to only Type O Negative for three days straight now [as a memory of Pete] and My Girlfriends Girlfriend might be at fault too...... anywho.... why am I always writing so late? when I can't really control what am I writing... maybe if I could control it I wouldn't write at all xD khe.... there are way too many meaningless stuff about me in here but what can I do? I am an selfish and egocentric whore so.......
express yourself................
I should go to bed now... yesterday I came home somewhere around 5pm... at 6pm I was watching some cartoons on.... I don't even know... well the fact is I fell asleep and woke up at 8am next morning just like that.... at least today I finished up some works I had to do so that's positive I guess... what else?......
watched Type O Negative concert.... it was really nice... -sigh-

one, two, three, four....... I want to live no more


Type O Negative – Gravity

world has became and emptyer place once again

well this just suck.... a lot..... can't even think straight too shocked I am....... damn.... and I was just getting into his work.......... fuck
and all I can say is.............. rest now












-sigh-

and as I wandered

one day in the last week [can't surely recall which exact day it was] a little venture came across me.
I went to the dentist after school at that day so I was home quite late somewhere around 6pm it could have been.. well to exact I wasn't home then yet for as you see when I reached my flats door and reached in the bag for keys to get in my hand was not able to find anything that could be my keys in the bag.. may eyes as well failed at this task and only then I realized... I had left my keys at school lockers, for your information somewhere around 30km lies between my home and my school. there where no chance of me getting them back that day so I called my dear mother in a hope that she'll be home soon and I won't be forced to sit in front of locked doors for too long. But for my great misfortune she in that day had her lessons of some kinda [something to do with knitting or something like that] and just as I call her she was entering the class... two hours the lesson lasted and one more hour was needed for her to get home so for three whole hours I was left without a chance to get home... I live in a small city and we don't have almost anything in here where I could spent the time. at that time all libraries were closed already and I know none in this place so the only thing I could do was wander around and that I did... we have a dam here and it's a dear place to me to go and just sit there.. looking in the water and to the other shore... though the dam is quite big rare when people come to it unless it's a hot summer day and they're taking a swim in the river.. but that day was not hot Alas! it was cold and windy then but for some reason that is just the weather I prefer the most... so for three hours I just walked on it... from one side to another I don't know how many km I had walked but one I know.. never did I stop.... as I mentioned before it was quite cold and windy but never minding the fact that I had only my light jacket on and a Tshirt beneath I wasn't freezing at all... all but my fingers which at the end were stiff and motionless.. all my body was ssurounded by a light chill.... so in the wet wind I wandered for three hours... for some reason I felt almost like the whole world had betrayed me... and there I was alone on the dam in the dim weather.. all alone... only my dearest friend my trustful companion were with my.... music... it has always been with me... all through my hard times when I had none else I could turn to and now here again it was with me while I wandered there alone... past, present and future dizzled through my head for three hours... where am I? where am I going to? whom I am going with? who am I? who should I be? the questions over and over repeated themselfs for three hours... and I got the answers to them all.. from the wind, the rain, the coldness and most of all from the music... as I have always gotten and always will get.... I had my player on shuffle and through all thous hours only one time I passed a song all of the rest where perfect for the moment.... the wind, the rain and the coldness... the still dimness... that is my place.. that is my motion

Sanity is just a weird form of madness.

Darkwell – The Rejuvination

silent and alone now I'll burn

02.04.2010. 14:03 - 14:08

and now I just write for the sake of writing....

rain is falling
the sound and the smell
the overwhelming greyness of all
it came at last
thanks god for that
it's spring and summer makes it clear
"I will come this year too"
the day before yesterday
so bright so hot
it burns and I'm dying
but now the water falling from skies
it's cold and I am better
above is all grey
it's darkened and I am better
a mug of tea
and the sound and the smell
the overwhelming greyness of all
and I am better
I wish it could stay like this forever
but I know it can't
then at least
I wish I could be transparent
when the skies clear out
and it burns again
I wish I could stay here forever
water drops above all
hanging from rooftops
reminding
but it's not forever
enjoy the rare moments when you think
this is the way it should stay forever
and I hear behind the falling of rain
Forgotten Tomb - Springtime Depression