now and then but in the end

Sometimes I hate
how aware I am
Sometimes I wish
I could just be ignorant
Sometimes I hate
how emotional I am
Sometimes I wish
I could just be numb
Sometimes I hate
how far I am
Sometimes I wish
I could just be there
Sometimes I hate
how serious I am
Sometimes I wish
I could just be dumb

I'm not



the highest mountain and the lowest pit

Saint Saviour – This Ain't No Hymn (RuN RiOT Remix)

good morning dear sir

ordinary man with a half rotten face
passed me today
and took of his hat
I saw a worm
hanging out of his skull
a big greasy maggot
with eyes filled with greed

the greyness of the skin
from that one rotten side
matched the one
you can see in TV shows

other side was fine
pink, peachy and gay
so full of youth
so full of life

I guess his telly broke down

7th minute of the 7th hour

I just have... to... write something down [just for the sake of writing something down]

the trees behind my window
dying sunlight on the twigs
light with age of 480 seconds
gently plays upon my skin

And So I Watch You From Afar - Don't Waste Time Doing Things You Hate

"Raise your weapon""Bring me victory"

for a moment there I forgot who I was but now I remember
I'm the MOTHERFUCKING JESUS!!!
I'm here to suffer for your sins so make me bare the cross. put it on my shoulders let me take it up the hill. then nail me to it. let me bleed. trough my suffering the redemption will come.
I'm here to fight. so don't hold your demons back. let me face them eye to eye. I'm here to fight. for you. for us. and I will do it even if it kills me. yes I will get scared and suffer trough that but that's what motherfucking jesus does. I raise my weapon I'm here to fight. yes it will knock me off my feet, drag me to my knees. but with each new morning I shall raise again. with my spirits up and holding my sword as high as the sky. so don't hold back your demons. let me face them eye to eye. I will fight them I MUST fight them cause..
I'm the MOTHERFUCKING JESUS!!!
I'm here to bring redemption.
And all I ask from you is to believe in me.
[I am not an image from olden times of which only stories remain. I am HERE and NOW]

teargas

I hate how silently hurtable I am.
And when it gets to me. I doesn't really matter what am I telling to myself.
It just keeps on going.


When I think about it. I've always been like this only. I used to feel offended. Like the whole world was being unfair to me. I would get angry and pissed off.
Now. I don't get offended. I clearly understand that there is no need for me to be like that, that no one has really offended me [and even if has I don't blame them] and I'm just imagining things. Still. It just keeps on going.
People used to take advantage of me being so easily offended, so easily being hurt. I could even say I was the perfect prey for bullies. And they gladly used the chance.
Now. I've learned to keep it to myself so they couldn't see it, could notice how easy it is to manipulate with me. But at the same time. They think of me as being way stronger than I am. So they don't really bother that much. Then again. It gives them the wrong impression of me. I just wish I could be as strong as it seems.


I hate how silently hurtable I am.
And when it gets to me. I doesn't really matter what am I telling to myself.
It just keeps on going.

seesaw

and I
don't
know
where am I now
and I
don't
dare
to look around
and all
I
hear
is...
slash of the waves, cracks of the planks, crew on the deck, rope around my neck

wind is light
knot is tight
stool is still
mind is ill

and I
don't
know
where am I now
and I
don't
dare
to look around
in the breeze
I
hear...
please don't go

blood red pasta

I am full
there's something on the plate
can't get it down
stuck up and overflow

"From The Sunset, Forest And Grief"

I'm scared.. as if something evil was lurking from shadows behind my back. As if it's cold breath slowly covering me would crawl into my skin and take over my mind. Make me infected so I would start to turn into something else. Something monstrous. Something hideous, rotten, disgusting and ugly. I'm afraid.. so very afraid that they'll come back, took over me and scare away all that I have. Telling me that I'm no good, that I haven't deserved this, telling that there are better ones and that they'll come and I'll have to step back. My mind is infected it's sick. When ever I get something good out of life it tries to pull me back with all it's might and as higher I get as stronger it pulls me back to earth and into abyss. And right now I can feel, I can even hear how it's pulling with all it's might (I've never been this high up before).

I have never been this high up. I have never been this high up. I have never been this high up. I have never been this high up. I have never been this high up. I have never been this high up. I have never been...

the noise inside my head

I will always be secretly afraid that one day she'll find someone better won't I?

I think I know what I want to do for a living [I've known for some time already.. getting only more sure with time

I think I have almost the perfect personality to work with genes and genome. I am patient, like to sort things and don't get tired or bored doing it, if there is need I can be very precise, I can devote myself utterly to work and work without stop till I've done what is needed. And I fucking LOVE the subject itself and the possibilities it can offer. [I'm also quite creative so I could think up some clever way how to use and manipulate with material]

I hate everything... but

• biology
• chemistry
• physics
• you
  

no! I do not want to go back. why are you making me go back?

why am I even doing this? why am I putting myself back in the shoes I wore year ago?

Totalselfhatred - state where there is nothing but endless hate upon oneself

this just rips your heart right out
all that album does.. brilliant dsbm

wounds heal, scars remain

and now I wonder. how things would worked out for the people I know if I did ended it all back then. would it be better? worse? the same? there would be more grief I suppose but in general it would be the same I think. one person more or less. does that really change that much? maybe for one, two.. maybe even three or four people it would change something but still. ones life doesn't stop because someones else has.
I also wonder. if not then. would I have done it till now? looking back now. it's hard to say. hard to predict weather or not I would have fallen again and then. it would be very easy to cross the lone, step over the edge. I was on that edge for so very long. at least now it seems like a long time. staring into abyss which burned in my eyes with it's blackness. the winds, howling in my ears and trough my chest.
I was getting better even before but for how long? I wonder. would I have fallen again? and now. if something for some reason happens now. would I fall again? would I be able to stand still or to at least stand on my feet after the fall. or would I simply crash against the ground and crumble into millions of pieces. never to be put back together again.
am I even worthy to be left unbroken? [of curse you are what nonsense or you talking little girl]
oh grimness of mine you do still want to shine your black light upon me don't you?

In solitude forever!.. I saw no other possibility

talking about hymns of past times.. here's another one (and it was all about me.. all of it.. all)

this solitary life... and I almost ended it all

before my redeemer came

oh.. this used to by my hymn. I screamed every line and held it as mine. and at that time.. it truly was mine. so very mine. this used to be my hymn.

I am as real as you imagine me

our perception deforms reality so we will never be able to grasp the true nature of it cause actually it has no nature at all. it's all built on quantum mechanics where without an observer whos subjective perspective deforms reality there is no definite reality at all. without an observer it is everywhere and nowhere. it exists and not exists at the same time just like Schrodinger's cat. only trough the perspective of observer it becomes definite and therefor we can say it exists. there is no fixed reality behind our backs cause we can not see it. there is no utter and true form of reality there is only the way we sense it. without an observer there's only blob-like blurred mass of energy. without no mass. without no form. only because of you it takes a form. only because of you it becomes definite and starts to exist.

Twas brilling, and the slithy toves did gyre and gimble in the wabe.

and now she's saying that there will be no tying up because she's older and therefor has the ruling word. you know what? I don't give a flying fuck about your age. seriously xD and about ruling words umm nop.. don't give a fuck about that as well [unless it's reasonable in which case I understand and accept] you can try to put me down girl but I shall never utterly surrender but in the end. the fun is in the chaise isn't it? ;]

that's what you get for burning my muffin

I really ought to get to know what that chick is saying there xD
you crave for power eh? well wait till I'll tie you down.. (oh yes I will tie you down)
you're crazy ass hoe
and I love you

dubing to fuckstep

oh and by the way... in the end of it all I felt fucking molested and mutilated (so damn good). on the train back home still her fingers on my nipples, her hands squeezing my loins, her lips on mines. gosh I'm having a heatwave. that bitch burned my muffin but I'm trve kvlt you know.. I like my muffin as my churches - flaming. oh and thous nails. just dug them deeper make me bleed. mark me so when I get out I have something by which to prove myself that it wasn't just a dream. you tell me to keep my teeth off your neck but how the hell can I do that when my entire insides are exploding and I must find something to hold on to.. you don't want guts on your walls well do you? you tell me to be quiet... I can't control myself over this point don't you get that? you have gained all the control over me can't you see that? and you won't even stop.. give me a second to breath, to recover.. just one... secon.. oh here we go again.
don't get me wrong. I fucking love it

"It Took The Night To Believe"

and I don't know what to do with myself anymore..
my head is spinning.. am I drunk?
my loins are burning.. have I run?
my skin is burning and if you looked closely I can bet you could see it vaporizing.. steams coming out of it
couldn't move a muscle if I tried. utter exhaustion.
so I am just laying here with my eyes slowly blinking. open. shut. open. shut...
some thoughts sailing trough my head like windjammers in breezeless sea. somewhere there at horizon. can barely see them but I don't really care.
challenge myself and think of some duties. something I should be doing. something that normally would make me uneasy. no. I don't care. I'll deal with it. time will come I'll deal with it but now...
I never thought life could be so peaceful
the rest of the world. there's no rest of the world. not now. now there's just me, her, this room and that's it.
how lovely.
I can't think, just feel and oh how I enjoy that.
I feel like drone music. like something from Sunn o))) something slow and full of the beauty of stillness.
she made me this way
oh how lovely.
I feel so empty yet as if I was everywhere and everywhere was me and she was above cause I had came from her trough her

stuck between two worlds

I want to blow up something... just feel like blowing up something. feel sick and hungry but can not eat. can I please strangle you? no.. even better. you should strangle me though I already feel like being strangled. I should work... I tried to work but got done only half of the page and it fucking sucks.. maybe tomorrow will be better cause now I feel just like there would be a bag over my head.. a plastic bag cause everything is a blur and air is running out... like in a dream. why am I here? guess this time I won't wake up there where I belong.
but it's ok it's all right I will be fine, just not today [let me mourn for a day]

you see that one up there? it looks like metamorphosis

and now I hope that she's watching something nice... I'm watching the clouds.. they are nice.. and I'm watching people in the windows... people are nice... it's a shame that rare who thinks so.. we get screwed over by some people.. we thought they were nice but then they turned into dickheads so now we think that all people are dickheads and when we meet someone who's nice we instantly asume that he'll trun into dickhead so if we stick around it's only to wait and see how that nice person turns into dickhead cause that's what nice people do right? and this will of ours to see them turning into dickheads turns them into dickheads in the end and then again we can say that we met this nice person who turned into dickhead... maybe we want people to turn into dickheads because we are dickheads ourself so we want to see other dickheads around us so we wouldn't feel alone.. stranger in the crowd you know... people are nice.. they just sometimes forget that... simple people are the nicest.. cause they are simple.. and simplicity is beautiful.. complex people have a lot of fears.. that makes them complex and not that nice as simple people.. fears makes us ugly cause fears makes us doubt and doubts turns us into dickheads... but in this world it's so hard to be simple.. it's imposible to have no fears and from that there is no other way then being a dickhead... but that is not true.. world is very simple so simple that we get bored by that so we make it more complex so we would have something to do.. to solve yet another problem made by some dickhead... people are nice.. they just sometimes forget about that.. they just sometimes get bored and that's all right let them have something to do if they are bored... I enjoy the beauty of simplicity too much to get bored by that.. most of the time at least

it snowed today again.. like in that day I sat alone again

and I feel disoriented and weird and somewhere outside.. still clumsy but not that much anymore and I just don't know what to do about myself.. there's a pillow in my head that's smothering some idea.. something I should do or something I should be planing to do... but it all will be fine right?.. this day is grey but I like it grey.. the light is pale.. I love it when the light is pale.. I can hear her doing something in the kitchen.. well... she is not there yet.. I'll have to be patient and wait.. she won't be there for a long time yet.. but I can hear her already.. I can hear how she's cutting something and how the oil is warming up.. she's making something.. I don't know what yet she isn't there yet.... I'm a louzy cook so she's making dinner I'm just siting here and lightly working on something.. "what's for dinner dear?" she can not reply.. she isn't there yet... still.. I can hear her there right now... just like I knew she was out there.. somewhere... and that I will find her and I did find her... now I can hear her in another room whenever I'm home alone like now... I can not see her.. she's not here yet but I hear her even though... that's why I don't feel like I am all alone here even when I am... that's why I am not afraid of the time you spend awake before falling asleep... oh I can remember how terrified I was of that..... so even though she's not here yet... I can hear her.. I can sense her presence... I just have to wait a little longer.. until she gates here and I can wait a little longer... cause I can hear her coming

damn... where was the Sandman? the Sandman will come and when he does.. daddy.. the Sandman comes to daddy.. I've never seen his face but he comes and when he does... where was that? from where do I know that?

but when we'll have kids and they ask me "why" this and that.. I'll start to expline.. like.. you know me.. I can't be ignorant or say it's just too complicated.. most probably it will go down like this
- mummy why [smthin smthin]
- do you really want to know?
- yes
- *takes a breath* well you see....
I'll be one hell of a confusing mother *giggle*
so they will end up asking everything to you :3

it seems as it seem to seem only more seemingly

everything that can happen will happen. there is a path from here to every possible future.. all infinity of them. the one where your bilionare, the one where you die from a suicide, the one where you meet your and only true love, the one where you live forever alone, the one where you are famous, the one where you are hated by all, the one where nobody cares, the one where evrything is as it should be.. there's a path from here to all of them.. they all are reachable.. everything that can happen will happen cause in the end.. everything that can happen and everything that can't happen has already happened

The park of black water

Buying of a new record always brings such an excitement. To hold in the shop while whispering "I choose you".. then buy it and as you walk out the shop with your precious in your hands say "now you are mine" them take it home... at home slowly sit next to your audio device.. carefully remove the plastic around it.. hold it in your fingertips.. admire the beautiful cover.. gently open it and take out the booklet and riffle trough it.. be fascinated how very beautiful it is.. leave it open next to you.. you'll read it later cause now the time has finally come and you can't wait any longer... once again using only your fingertips take out the CD.. look at it for a second and then lightly place it in your device... press play... lay on your back... close your eyes.. and sink into the magical world of music... the feeling can not be described I won't even try to do that...
And I must get that other one too I simply must.. I should have gotten it just there and then but k.. I still have some time let's hope I'll find it there then... I saw some backup plans as well but I think that it's the one.. that's the one I must get.. and I will