maybe I'm dead and this is the heaven, maybe I'm sleeping and my body's in hell

why am I so into all that.. stuff.... oh you know what I'm talking about. why does it pulls me back again and again. is that really who I am? is that really the way I truly am? I can be happy and I am happy but.. seeing...hearing.. the doom and the gloom.. oh the doom my lovely doom.. maybe cause it's so familiar. like that only real friend you've ever had. someone who's stood beside you all that time all thous nights. oh thous terrible terrible nights. I can still remember myself.. laying there. frozen. with a beast, a demon upon my chests.. he strangled me. every single night. until I fell in a dreamless sleep. insomnia.. the whispers. endless whispers buzzing in my ears. I can still remember though now it all seems like a nightmare. and it was one. a living, breathing nightmare. and all that time the dark. so near, so close. the only thing that was always there. always there for me. I was all alone I was not alone. I can still remember. that sudden pain in the chest just out of the blue. as if a hand was holding my heart and slowly clanged itself tighter. it all seems so far now but it all was so real then. the only reality I had known. now and then it still calls me back. "come. come home," it says. there is something terribly wrong with me. why isn't anyone scared of me? they should be. they should be frightened by just seeing me. and you. you my love. how comes your not sickened by me? how comes you don't choke while holding me. maybe cause your bigger. you are so much bigger than me. the beast runs and hides as far as it can whenever you are near. aren't you scared of it? I am so very frightened by it. it has ruled over me for so long. how comes you can so easily make it vanish?

Discouraged Ones

I am so sorry.. so very sorry.. I feel like a monster.. I am so sorry.. so very very sorry my dear... my love.. if I only could... I should have had... I am so sorry... I will never understand.. I am so very sorry... I feel like an outcast... I am so very sorry... I feel like I've robbed you... as if I brutally robbed you in a bare daylight... I am so very sorry... I can't even imagine how hard it is for you.. I really wish I could... I'm just an outcast... I don't belong I do not understand... I am so sorry... I'm useless I know.. just a bloody burglar...

Epic album list

Decided I should put them down. So these are the albums which have grown to my heart. I would die for them cause they where there when no one else was.

lurking, spreading, covering, prottecting

all is dark
your smile, my eyes
radiating out
blackness of aeons before
stored there for times
thick, black clumps of mass
hits my face, your face
our face
all is dark

oh the night
my beautiful night
the one of eternal darkness
we are safe here my dear

I shall rot here with thou

holding thy head in my arms
as I slowly lower it on the ground
it's dark here and the harsh wind
it get's caught in my strawlike hair
my mind is filled with emptiness
I can feel how it's cold hand
reaches for my throat
my eyes are numb as I
gaze upon thee
you were there just a second ago
I spoke to you just a minute ago
where did thou go?
my fingers in your hair
I close my eyes
the scent the scent just let me keep her scent
each breath - sharp pain in the chest
a hand upon my heart
the other on my throat
do you remember?
that time in woods
you were hiding and for a moment it seemed
that thought almost killed me
have mercy. please take me with
don't leave me behind
her eyes her eyes
just one last glance
I think I saw your eyelids twitch
gaze fix frozen
I think I saw your trembling lips
heart skips a beat
as a wounded animal I now lay beside thou
oh thou art so beautiful my love
my had on thy chests
so still they are so quiet
my limbs are the ones of statues
yours.. the ones of sweet breeze
I will keep on moving
but my life ends here

Deicide's 2008 album title goes here

and that is exactly why gay marriages are stronger that is exactly fucking why! so to all the stubborn straight guys out there I say FUCK YOU! FUCK....YOU! I'm marrying my girl one day and I don't give a flying fuck about what you think. you know why? cause it's not about you guys. it's about her. she is all that I long for, all I could have ever asked for.

I told you so

oh lolz... i just put a pause to write the previous entry.. now I started to watch again and that other chick is saying the exact same thing xD

is it for you or is it for them?

k.. so I'm watching Grey's Anatomy S07E20 and I'm at 27:22 mark and ahh I'm just so pissed... how can you fucking say it's not real? how? it doesn't have to have all thous traditional stuffs just because you know.. it's the regular way to do it.. cause everyone else is doing it and if you don't have them it doesn't count and is fake... BULLSHIT! you could do it in a meadow in front of a fucking forest. just the two of you. no one else. and it still would fucking count. it's not about the show you put up! it's about the commitment that you make!