and yes I feel lonely

confused and disturbed

grey waters of guilt

and I sink

down

low

..as if this have never happened before

and yes I feel gloomy

but let it go, let it pass

skin starts to rot

grows rough and cold

but it's only inch deep

don't worry my dear

core stays the same

this thing will never get to you

and yes I seem angry

moody and sad

black waters of lonesome

and I sink

down

low

..

my gas tank is half empty my gas tank is half full

from one of the "stophatingyourbody" tumblr submissions
"i went to therapy and learned to see food as fuel, not as a reward or as punishment."
that's it! that's how one should look at it cause that's what food is. it's a fuel. it's not a punishment. cutting on some fun but not necessary stuff is punishment. it's not a reward. it shouldn't be. doing something or getting something for yourself is a reward. the general feeling of good is a reward.
when I think about it I truly see food mainly just as fuel. something that will keep me from passing out and will provide me with the energy I need. and that's it. yeah I know now people who know will start to yell that I eat way too little and so but. I eat when I'm low on energy or just feel my guts being empty. not to get thinner [I can hardly see how that could happen]. so yeah I just wanted to bold that in the end it's just a fuel.

maybe I'm dead and this is the heaven, maybe I'm sleeping and my body's in hell

why am I so into all that.. stuff.... oh you know what I'm talking about. why does it pulls me back again and again. is that really who I am? is that really the way I truly am? I can be happy and I am happy but.. seeing...hearing.. the doom and the gloom.. oh the doom my lovely doom.. maybe cause it's so familiar. like that only real friend you've ever had. someone who's stood beside you all that time all thous nights. oh thous terrible terrible nights. I can still remember myself.. laying there. frozen. with a beast, a demon upon my chests.. he strangled me. every single night. until I fell in a dreamless sleep. insomnia.. the whispers. endless whispers buzzing in my ears. I can still remember though now it all seems like a nightmare. and it was one. a living, breathing nightmare. and all that time the dark. so near, so close. the only thing that was always there. always there for me. I was all alone I was not alone. I can still remember. that sudden pain in the chest just out of the blue. as if a hand was holding my heart and slowly clanged itself tighter. it all seems so far now but it all was so real then. the only reality I had known. now and then it still calls me back. "come. come home," it says. there is something terribly wrong with me. why isn't anyone scared of me? they should be. they should be frightened by just seeing me. and you. you my love. how comes your not sickened by me? how comes you don't choke while holding me. maybe cause your bigger. you are so much bigger than me. the beast runs and hides as far as it can whenever you are near. aren't you scared of it? I am so very frightened by it. it has ruled over me for so long. how comes you can so easily make it vanish?

Discouraged Ones

I am so sorry.. so very sorry.. I feel like a monster.. I am so sorry.. so very very sorry my dear... my love.. if I only could... I should have had... I am so sorry... I will never understand.. I am so very sorry... I feel like an outcast... I am so very sorry... I feel like I've robbed you... as if I brutally robbed you in a bare daylight... I am so very sorry... I can't even imagine how hard it is for you.. I really wish I could... I'm just an outcast... I don't belong I do not understand... I am so sorry... I'm useless I know.. just a bloody burglar...

Epic album list

Decided I should put them down. So these are the albums which have grown to my heart. I would die for them cause they where there when no one else was.

lurking, spreading, covering, prottecting

all is dark
your smile, my eyes
radiating out
blackness of aeons before
stored there for times
thick, black clumps of mass
hits my face, your face
our face
all is dark

oh the night
my beautiful night
the one of eternal darkness
we are safe here my dear

I shall rot here with thou

holding thy head in my arms
as I slowly lower it on the ground
it's dark here and the harsh wind
it get's caught in my strawlike hair
my mind is filled with emptiness
I can feel how it's cold hand
reaches for my throat
my eyes are numb as I
gaze upon thee
you were there just a second ago
I spoke to you just a minute ago
where did thou go?
my fingers in your hair
I close my eyes
the scent the scent just let me keep her scent
each breath - sharp pain in the chest
a hand upon my heart
the other on my throat
do you remember?
that time in woods
you were hiding and for a moment it seemed
that thought almost killed me
have mercy. please take me with
don't leave me behind
her eyes her eyes
just one last glance
I think I saw your eyelids twitch
gaze fix frozen
I think I saw your trembling lips
heart skips a beat
as a wounded animal I now lay beside thou
oh thou art so beautiful my love
my had on thy chests
so still they are so quiet
my limbs are the ones of statues
yours.. the ones of sweet breeze
I will keep on moving
but my life ends here

Deicide's 2008 album title goes here

and that is exactly why gay marriages are stronger that is exactly fucking why! so to all the stubborn straight guys out there I say FUCK YOU! FUCK....YOU! I'm marrying my girl one day and I don't give a flying fuck about what you think. you know why? cause it's not about you guys. it's about her. she is all that I long for, all I could have ever asked for.

I told you so

oh lolz... i just put a pause to write the previous entry.. now I started to watch again and that other chick is saying the exact same thing xD

is it for you or is it for them?

k.. so I'm watching Grey's Anatomy S07E20 and I'm at 27:22 mark and ahh I'm just so pissed... how can you fucking say it's not real? how? it doesn't have to have all thous traditional stuffs just because you know.. it's the regular way to do it.. cause everyone else is doing it and if you don't have them it doesn't count and is fake... BULLSHIT! you could do it in a meadow in front of a fucking forest. just the two of you. no one else. and it still would fucking count. it's not about the show you put up! it's about the commitment that you make!

I think we should get up. I think that's a very bad idea.

I'm a morning person. I love mornings. the pale light. all awakens. the feeling of a new found day just waiting to get explored and lived. still.. there is one kind of mornings which stand way above all of the rest. the ones in which I'm waking up beside you knowing that I get to spend the rest of the day with you. so I don't have to worry about getting up and doing something. I can just be there. with you. just be. I think there's nothing more wonderful than that. I love your sleepy eyes *hey look there's some bubbles floating outside my window* and the way you smile when I look at you. there can't be anything more wonderful than that I think.

Magnetic Man - Fire

I can't really think of any fitting title

k..k.. you know that I'm not blaming you and I've forgiven you and all that but.. can we for a moment pretend that I still hold the grudge?... cause.. well.... then you could.. you know.. make up to my by.. making me these
I will love you forever if you do :3
and I will never ever mention it.. it will be totally wiped out of my memory.. utterly forgotten like never even happened ^^

can I ask you something? sure. why not?

it's funny how people need to really courage up to ask me something and then they are all like worried and uncomfortable but when they ask me that thing.. I'm like all cool. so they always end up worthlessly worrying.

I hope noones stalking me

omg I dance so fucking awesome when I have my headphones and sneakers on and no ones watching xD

"I Need Air"

Sunday morning. got up at 5am. got a lot of that shit done. in 2 hours way more than in whole day before. now it's 7.20am and I'm having rbid [Random Burst Into Dance] to Magnetic Man filled with flashbacks of some days before. yes.. that is that album we had in background then ^,..,^

we like it cause we can relate to it

"Welch says she is prone to “falling into severe holes” that leave her crying on the floor."

oh... my.....

I wish I could know what you're thinking. what you're thinking when you know you're hurting me. I really wish I could know.

melancholic waltz

don't you want me to stay? don't you want me to think of you as worthy? as someone worth staying with, worth fighting for, worth suffering for? don't you want me to stay? cause I want to. I really want to stay. I want to see you as worthy and I believe that you are. don't you want me to believe in you? cause I do.
I just want to feel valuable. I want to feel needed and appreciated. and I do. most of the time but now and then. and you say you don't know what to do and I think do you even want to do anything? you should, shouldn't you? you say you don't know how. any stupid romantic shit will do. anything at all. the smallest and most simple things. anything from the heart. I don't need anything big. your heart are way more valuable than any material shit. I just... I just... I just need a hug and warm word.. anyone.. please

A Forest of Stars - God

pigeon suicide behind my window [oh please don't be so grim]

I'm somewhere here. won't you come to me? I'm somewhere here. oh please come to me. I have cookies and tea and punk rock music. you'll like it I promise. oh please don't be ashamed my doors are always open. even if they look grey and abandoned. just knock once, twice.. two sugars am I right?

pretty little dice on board

bruises bruises kiss and restless
play the game of innocent blame
raw meat and nothing more
you want my raw meat and nothing more?

bruises bruises kiss and restless
play the game of innocent blame

laughter teeth and tongue between
eyes and touch and burning lust
anger hate and innocent blame

can I take it?
can't I take it?

love rage happiness pain
higher higher higher die
rise above it all and none
alone alone alone we stand
together all alone we stand

so the story can be told
the story of blame and innocent game

and fortune will come
for one and both
for all and none

written word of innocent game
filled pages of innocent fame

bruises bruises kiss and restless
play the game of innocent blame

the story must go on
the story will go on

but it's all right it's all fine... I can wait I can wait [and I will wait... forever if it's needed [but I hope it won't take that long].. I'm not going anywhere] and no.. I am not letting go.. there's no way you'll rip it out my clanged fists

why the FUCK it's so hard to let yourself be happy?

why are you doing this to me? why are you doing this to yourself? do you have any idea what are you doing to me? DO YOU?

nanananana b....bullet in my ficking head

it's past 8pm and have I done anything? anything at all? no... no.. why?.. well I don't know.. maybe cause it feels as if my whole world is falling into pieces.
hello cold floor my old friend.

Withdrawn

I should be working but I have no will. It's raining outside and all is grey and all is full of wind. Just want to sit here and listen to doom. I should be working. I have things to do. But I just want to lay down on the floor and look out the window. The branches slowly dancing in wind. Like lovers, filled with melancholy. I feel a bit.. out of time and space. I don't know where I am now. It's all grey in here. The ground, the sky. But the sky is slowly moving and I can feel that there's something bright behind it's greyness. Am I sad? No. I think not. Just melancholic.

what does the rainbow taste like?

yesterday
Novembers Doom - Broken



today
Florence + The Machine - I'm Not Calling You A Liar

just to let you know

not good enough, too good, not good enough, too good, not good enough, too good, not good enough, too good, not good enough, too good, not good enough, too good, not good enough, too good...
destruction destruction watch it all burn down in your minds eye
but I don't care.. I still want your last name

I'm a butterfly! I'm a butterfly! I'm a fucking stone.

it's 10 to 12 and I feel like a chipmunk. you know that state in which you enter somewhere around the edge of exhaustion. that "haha this all is so funny I don't know what I'm doing and I can feel the despair creeping in but at the moment I'm a chipmunk"
I've never really believed in you but if you really are up there big guy. please give me the strength and will to get trough this without any major injuries.

Kanye West - Monster [feat. Jay-Z, Rick Ross, Nicki Minaj & Bon Iver]

now and then but in the end

Sometimes I hate
how aware I am
Sometimes I wish
I could just be ignorant
Sometimes I hate
how emotional I am
Sometimes I wish
I could just be numb
Sometimes I hate
how far I am
Sometimes I wish
I could just be there
Sometimes I hate
how serious I am
Sometimes I wish
I could just be dumb

I'm not



the highest mountain and the lowest pit

Saint Saviour – This Ain't No Hymn (RuN RiOT Remix)

good morning dear sir

ordinary man with a half rotten face
passed me today
and took of his hat
I saw a worm
hanging out of his skull
a big greasy maggot
with eyes filled with greed

the greyness of the skin
from that one rotten side
matched the one
you can see in TV shows

other side was fine
pink, peachy and gay
so full of youth
so full of life

I guess his telly broke down

7th minute of the 7th hour

I just have... to... write something down [just for the sake of writing something down]

the trees behind my window
dying sunlight on the twigs
light with age of 480 seconds
gently plays upon my skin

And So I Watch You From Afar - Don't Waste Time Doing Things You Hate

"Raise your weapon""Bring me victory"

for a moment there I forgot who I was but now I remember
I'm the MOTHERFUCKING JESUS!!!
I'm here to suffer for your sins so make me bare the cross. put it on my shoulders let me take it up the hill. then nail me to it. let me bleed. trough my suffering the redemption will come.
I'm here to fight. so don't hold your demons back. let me face them eye to eye. I'm here to fight. for you. for us. and I will do it even if it kills me. yes I will get scared and suffer trough that but that's what motherfucking jesus does. I raise my weapon I'm here to fight. yes it will knock me off my feet, drag me to my knees. but with each new morning I shall raise again. with my spirits up and holding my sword as high as the sky. so don't hold back your demons. let me face them eye to eye. I will fight them I MUST fight them cause..
I'm the MOTHERFUCKING JESUS!!!
I'm here to bring redemption.
And all I ask from you is to believe in me.
[I am not an image from olden times of which only stories remain. I am HERE and NOW]

teargas

I hate how silently hurtable I am.
And when it gets to me. I doesn't really matter what am I telling to myself.
It just keeps on going.


When I think about it. I've always been like this only. I used to feel offended. Like the whole world was being unfair to me. I would get angry and pissed off.
Now. I don't get offended. I clearly understand that there is no need for me to be like that, that no one has really offended me [and even if has I don't blame them] and I'm just imagining things. Still. It just keeps on going.
People used to take advantage of me being so easily offended, so easily being hurt. I could even say I was the perfect prey for bullies. And they gladly used the chance.
Now. I've learned to keep it to myself so they couldn't see it, could notice how easy it is to manipulate with me. But at the same time. They think of me as being way stronger than I am. So they don't really bother that much. Then again. It gives them the wrong impression of me. I just wish I could be as strong as it seems.


I hate how silently hurtable I am.
And when it gets to me. I doesn't really matter what am I telling to myself.
It just keeps on going.

seesaw

and I
don't
know
where am I now
and I
don't
dare
to look around
and all
I
hear
is...
slash of the waves, cracks of the planks, crew on the deck, rope around my neck

wind is light
knot is tight
stool is still
mind is ill

and I
don't
know
where am I now
and I
don't
dare
to look around
in the breeze
I
hear...
please don't go

blood red pasta

I am full
there's something on the plate
can't get it down
stuck up and overflow

"From The Sunset, Forest And Grief"

I'm scared.. as if something evil was lurking from shadows behind my back. As if it's cold breath slowly covering me would crawl into my skin and take over my mind. Make me infected so I would start to turn into something else. Something monstrous. Something hideous, rotten, disgusting and ugly. I'm afraid.. so very afraid that they'll come back, took over me and scare away all that I have. Telling me that I'm no good, that I haven't deserved this, telling that there are better ones and that they'll come and I'll have to step back. My mind is infected it's sick. When ever I get something good out of life it tries to pull me back with all it's might and as higher I get as stronger it pulls me back to earth and into abyss. And right now I can feel, I can even hear how it's pulling with all it's might (I've never been this high up before).

I have never been this high up. I have never been this high up. I have never been this high up. I have never been this high up. I have never been this high up. I have never been this high up. I have never been...

the noise inside my head

I will always be secretly afraid that one day she'll find someone better won't I?

I think I know what I want to do for a living [I've known for some time already.. getting only more sure with time

I think I have almost the perfect personality to work with genes and genome. I am patient, like to sort things and don't get tired or bored doing it, if there is need I can be very precise, I can devote myself utterly to work and work without stop till I've done what is needed. And I fucking LOVE the subject itself and the possibilities it can offer. [I'm also quite creative so I could think up some clever way how to use and manipulate with material]

I hate everything... but

• biology
• chemistry
• physics
• you
  

no! I do not want to go back. why are you making me go back?

why am I even doing this? why am I putting myself back in the shoes I wore year ago?

Totalselfhatred - state where there is nothing but endless hate upon oneself

this just rips your heart right out
all that album does.. brilliant dsbm

wounds heal, scars remain

and now I wonder. how things would worked out for the people I know if I did ended it all back then. would it be better? worse? the same? there would be more grief I suppose but in general it would be the same I think. one person more or less. does that really change that much? maybe for one, two.. maybe even three or four people it would change something but still. ones life doesn't stop because someones else has.
I also wonder. if not then. would I have done it till now? looking back now. it's hard to say. hard to predict weather or not I would have fallen again and then. it would be very easy to cross the lone, step over the edge. I was on that edge for so very long. at least now it seems like a long time. staring into abyss which burned in my eyes with it's blackness. the winds, howling in my ears and trough my chest.
I was getting better even before but for how long? I wonder. would I have fallen again? and now. if something for some reason happens now. would I fall again? would I be able to stand still or to at least stand on my feet after the fall. or would I simply crash against the ground and crumble into millions of pieces. never to be put back together again.
am I even worthy to be left unbroken? [of curse you are what nonsense or you talking little girl]
oh grimness of mine you do still want to shine your black light upon me don't you?

In solitude forever!.. I saw no other possibility

talking about hymns of past times.. here's another one (and it was all about me.. all of it.. all)

this solitary life... and I almost ended it all

before my redeemer came

oh.. this used to by my hymn. I screamed every line and held it as mine. and at that time.. it truly was mine. so very mine. this used to be my hymn.

I am as real as you imagine me

our perception deforms reality so we will never be able to grasp the true nature of it cause actually it has no nature at all. it's all built on quantum mechanics where without an observer whos subjective perspective deforms reality there is no definite reality at all. without an observer it is everywhere and nowhere. it exists and not exists at the same time just like Schrodinger's cat. only trough the perspective of observer it becomes definite and therefor we can say it exists. there is no fixed reality behind our backs cause we can not see it. there is no utter and true form of reality there is only the way we sense it. without an observer there's only blob-like blurred mass of energy. without no mass. without no form. only because of you it takes a form. only because of you it becomes definite and starts to exist.

Twas brilling, and the slithy toves did gyre and gimble in the wabe.

and now she's saying that there will be no tying up because she's older and therefor has the ruling word. you know what? I don't give a flying fuck about your age. seriously xD and about ruling words umm nop.. don't give a fuck about that as well [unless it's reasonable in which case I understand and accept] you can try to put me down girl but I shall never utterly surrender but in the end. the fun is in the chaise isn't it? ;]

that's what you get for burning my muffin

I really ought to get to know what that chick is saying there xD
you crave for power eh? well wait till I'll tie you down.. (oh yes I will tie you down)
you're crazy ass hoe
and I love you

dubing to fuckstep

oh and by the way... in the end of it all I felt fucking molested and mutilated (so damn good). on the train back home still her fingers on my nipples, her hands squeezing my loins, her lips on mines. gosh I'm having a heatwave. that bitch burned my muffin but I'm trve kvlt you know.. I like my muffin as my churches - flaming. oh and thous nails. just dug them deeper make me bleed. mark me so when I get out I have something by which to prove myself that it wasn't just a dream. you tell me to keep my teeth off your neck but how the hell can I do that when my entire insides are exploding and I must find something to hold on to.. you don't want guts on your walls well do you? you tell me to be quiet... I can't control myself over this point don't you get that? you have gained all the control over me can't you see that? and you won't even stop.. give me a second to breath, to recover.. just one... secon.. oh here we go again.
don't get me wrong. I fucking love it

"It Took The Night To Believe"

and I don't know what to do with myself anymore..
my head is spinning.. am I drunk?
my loins are burning.. have I run?
my skin is burning and if you looked closely I can bet you could see it vaporizing.. steams coming out of it
couldn't move a muscle if I tried. utter exhaustion.
so I am just laying here with my eyes slowly blinking. open. shut. open. shut...
some thoughts sailing trough my head like windjammers in breezeless sea. somewhere there at horizon. can barely see them but I don't really care.
challenge myself and think of some duties. something I should be doing. something that normally would make me uneasy. no. I don't care. I'll deal with it. time will come I'll deal with it but now...
I never thought life could be so peaceful
the rest of the world. there's no rest of the world. not now. now there's just me, her, this room and that's it.
how lovely.
I can't think, just feel and oh how I enjoy that.
I feel like drone music. like something from Sunn o))) something slow and full of the beauty of stillness.
she made me this way
oh how lovely.
I feel so empty yet as if I was everywhere and everywhere was me and she was above cause I had came from her trough her

stuck between two worlds

I want to blow up something... just feel like blowing up something. feel sick and hungry but can not eat. can I please strangle you? no.. even better. you should strangle me though I already feel like being strangled. I should work... I tried to work but got done only half of the page and it fucking sucks.. maybe tomorrow will be better cause now I feel just like there would be a bag over my head.. a plastic bag cause everything is a blur and air is running out... like in a dream. why am I here? guess this time I won't wake up there where I belong.
but it's ok it's all right I will be fine, just not today [let me mourn for a day]

you see that one up there? it looks like metamorphosis

and now I hope that she's watching something nice... I'm watching the clouds.. they are nice.. and I'm watching people in the windows... people are nice... it's a shame that rare who thinks so.. we get screwed over by some people.. we thought they were nice but then they turned into dickheads so now we think that all people are dickheads and when we meet someone who's nice we instantly asume that he'll trun into dickhead so if we stick around it's only to wait and see how that nice person turns into dickhead cause that's what nice people do right? and this will of ours to see them turning into dickheads turns them into dickheads in the end and then again we can say that we met this nice person who turned into dickhead... maybe we want people to turn into dickheads because we are dickheads ourself so we want to see other dickheads around us so we wouldn't feel alone.. stranger in the crowd you know... people are nice.. they just sometimes forget that... simple people are the nicest.. cause they are simple.. and simplicity is beautiful.. complex people have a lot of fears.. that makes them complex and not that nice as simple people.. fears makes us ugly cause fears makes us doubt and doubts turns us into dickheads... but in this world it's so hard to be simple.. it's imposible to have no fears and from that there is no other way then being a dickhead... but that is not true.. world is very simple so simple that we get bored by that so we make it more complex so we would have something to do.. to solve yet another problem made by some dickhead... people are nice.. they just sometimes forget about that.. they just sometimes get bored and that's all right let them have something to do if they are bored... I enjoy the beauty of simplicity too much to get bored by that.. most of the time at least

it snowed today again.. like in that day I sat alone again

and I feel disoriented and weird and somewhere outside.. still clumsy but not that much anymore and I just don't know what to do about myself.. there's a pillow in my head that's smothering some idea.. something I should do or something I should be planing to do... but it all will be fine right?.. this day is grey but I like it grey.. the light is pale.. I love it when the light is pale.. I can hear her doing something in the kitchen.. well... she is not there yet.. I'll have to be patient and wait.. she won't be there for a long time yet.. but I can hear her already.. I can hear how she's cutting something and how the oil is warming up.. she's making something.. I don't know what yet she isn't there yet.... I'm a louzy cook so she's making dinner I'm just siting here and lightly working on something.. "what's for dinner dear?" she can not reply.. she isn't there yet... still.. I can hear her there right now... just like I knew she was out there.. somewhere... and that I will find her and I did find her... now I can hear her in another room whenever I'm home alone like now... I can not see her.. she's not here yet but I hear her even though... that's why I don't feel like I am all alone here even when I am... that's why I am not afraid of the time you spend awake before falling asleep... oh I can remember how terrified I was of that..... so even though she's not here yet... I can hear her.. I can sense her presence... I just have to wait a little longer.. until she gates here and I can wait a little longer... cause I can hear her coming

damn... where was the Sandman? the Sandman will come and when he does.. daddy.. the Sandman comes to daddy.. I've never seen his face but he comes and when he does... where was that? from where do I know that?

but when we'll have kids and they ask me "why" this and that.. I'll start to expline.. like.. you know me.. I can't be ignorant or say it's just too complicated.. most probably it will go down like this
- mummy why [smthin smthin]
- do you really want to know?
- yes
- *takes a breath* well you see....
I'll be one hell of a confusing mother *giggle*
so they will end up asking everything to you :3

it seems as it seem to seem only more seemingly

everything that can happen will happen. there is a path from here to every possible future.. all infinity of them. the one where your bilionare, the one where you die from a suicide, the one where you meet your and only true love, the one where you live forever alone, the one where you are famous, the one where you are hated by all, the one where nobody cares, the one where evrything is as it should be.. there's a path from here to all of them.. they all are reachable.. everything that can happen will happen cause in the end.. everything that can happen and everything that can't happen has already happened

The park of black water

Buying of a new record always brings such an excitement. To hold in the shop while whispering "I choose you".. then buy it and as you walk out the shop with your precious in your hands say "now you are mine" them take it home... at home slowly sit next to your audio device.. carefully remove the plastic around it.. hold it in your fingertips.. admire the beautiful cover.. gently open it and take out the booklet and riffle trough it.. be fascinated how very beautiful it is.. leave it open next to you.. you'll read it later cause now the time has finally come and you can't wait any longer... once again using only your fingertips take out the CD.. look at it for a second and then lightly place it in your device... press play... lay on your back... close your eyes.. and sink into the magical world of music... the feeling can not be described I won't even try to do that...
And I must get that other one too I simply must.. I should have gotten it just there and then but k.. I still have some time let's hope I'll find it there then... I saw some backup plans as well but I think that it's the one.. that's the one I must get.. and I will

have you seen her? she's magnificent

so... last week.. crazy ass shit xD
but it was really cool feeling to wake up later and go to do some business not study stuff... at the end I was starting to slip out cause of curse.. that doesn't fit and that we can not do oh no wait we can do that so we need some material oh and don't forget to change that stuff there and rewrite it and we still need that rope..
but at the end it all went really well and I think we were quite awesome ^^ now they all say I have to become an actress like... seriously guys? xD
and guess what? I even managed to flee from there unnoticed ^^ if only it would have been a little warmer but oh well..
you know how they say that when you are drunk you reveal your true face.. your everyday mask falls.. it's mostly then when we realize how fucking ugly the people around as are and that we actually should hate them and stuff.. or at least it makes us like them a little bit less... but she.. she gets even lovelier and more beautiful.. and she is not making a fool of herself like most people do.. and that was so magical.. to sit there while she tells me about her second thoughts but not in a usual away.. she speaks to me as if she knows I can read her mind.. as if she knows she doesn't have to say it out loud for me to understand.. that she can just ask what do I think about it.. just like that "and what do you think about it" without even saying what that it is... and I will get her.. and I really did..
and that kiss oh that kiss.. it's interesting how it always happens with us.. I say something sweet, then she kisses me and then well... but there were other people in the room so we couldn't get that far but god how hard it was for me not to.. cause it felt like all my insides were on fire.. like I would have taken some sort of a drug.. I had never felt anything so powerful before... and that atmosphere and... if we only were alone there that would be like an utter perfection.. but if we were alone I would have never heard that you think I am something genius that has happened to you... I am flattered my dear :3 [even if you don't remember saying that]
and that one moment in the morning when you sat in front of me and the sun rays were falling behind you... your face.. it almost seemed like the most beautiful thing I had ever seen and I think it just might be the most beautiful thing I've ever seen
and I never want it to leave and fade away from my life

look.. I can see the sun rising oh I really can.. it's bringther now than it was before

I just hope that one day she'll stop waiting for the day I'll leave her. I also hope that one she won't decide to go [how it seems] the easiest way.. getting back to where she was before cause you know.. we are used to places we've been into for long time. And in the end I hope as well that I will never let them overtake me and drag me to where I came from.. saying that it's safer there... saying that I am meant to be there not here... I don't want to be there I want to be here and I want her to stay here as well cause no matter what the demons tells us... it's safe here.. it's safer here then it was there [well... at least for me that I know for sure]

Katatonia - Criminals

"The way the light hits the room
The way I am unable to protect you
O I'm running away
I will never forgive myself
For running away from you

So gather your strength and break free
Or you will surely die
So gather your strength don't follow me
'Cause I will surely die

Way my eyes cannot move
Way I hope to be protected
And for one moment I thought
That I was lost among the lights of houses

My dreams
Dreams of violence
See them coming true"



why do I have this urge to relate this song to myself? it's not true.. not true... please stay.. I won't run away.. not this time

hold on little girl

Depressant


Anti-Depressant

was that a knock on my door?

this is what you've been waiting for right? this is what you have been waiting for you bitch.. now feast.. please be my dear guest as you have been for so many times and feast.. oh there is plenty for everyone.. so feast... don't be ashamed I know you've been waiting for this.. you stayed in the shade for all this time to burst to my doors now with all your strength... you little filthy whore.. yes I am on the floor again so please be my guest and feast.. there's plenty for everyone... but it's ok it's all right... I've survived this many times and now there's even hope.. it might be just temporary.. so feast my dear bitch.. feast while you can

Mirror Of The Sick Soul

I feel sick... tired and sick..
and I don't know what to do.. I thought I could I even had a plan
I look at her and feel nothing..
no guilt no grief no remorse no pain no pleasure no joy no love no hate no disappointment no empathy
nothing
my mind still cares about her and quite a lot to be honest but my heart.. I look at her and I feel nothing.. I don't know how she has done that.. she must be very powerful to be able to create such a wall around herself.. maybe I am just that weak.. I am so weak.. so weak.. so.. useless.. and here she comes again and says to look at myself.. can't I see? I bring only pain and misery.. I am destructive I am the destructor.. I am infectious.. I should lock myself up so no one can ever get infected by shut up shut up shut up shutup shutup shutup shutup shutupshutupshutupshutupshutupshutupshutupshutupshutupshutupshutupshutupshutupshutupshutupshutupshutupshutupshutupshutupshutupshutupshutupshutupshutupshutupshutupshutupshutupshutupshutup....... I WILL NOT LET YOU DO THIS TO ME AGAIN....
and I whisper to myself.. it will blow over it will blow over you're just tired it will blow over...







save me

first rays of light over a frozen ground

if only she could see herself trough my eyes. I wish I could show her the way I see her. then she would have to admit that she's beautiful.. and it hurts so bad each time she doubts that.. if only I would know what to do.. how to show her how beautiful she is.. I say it. she calls me a liar.. she doesn't believe.. she thinks I'm imagining things.. she says I am blind and only dreaming but for the first time in my life I feel like I am out of the dream.. and I see her and she is so beautiful and it hurts so bad each time she doubts it.. if only she would know exactly how bad it hurts.. maybe then she would understand... she says she doesn't believe and leaves.. my hand reaches for the.. but it's no longer there.. right.. I took it away.. thought I won't want it... she is so beautiful.. and it hurts so bad.. if only I could show her

before and after

YESTERDAY


TODAY

"Love... A Lost Vision" that has become reality

have I told you that I love you?
that I love your skin against mine, your tongue on me, your hands all over me
that I love your hair and your skin, your scent
the way you smile at me when I'm being silly, the way you look at me when I'm being my filthy self, the way you gaze somewhere far as your head's full of everything and nothing
that I love it when you sing along and there is no need to apologize for that my dear
I love your sarcastic ways and I love how sweet and fluffy you get when you find something ever so cute or lovely
I even love it when you're pissed of on everything and everyone cause when I then make you smile you... oh well you know it yourself don't you?
have I told you that I love you?

Tegan and Sara - Proud

mirage of free will and living person

I want to break out of this cage, I want to get free of this cage, I hate this bloody cage.. the bars are red.. painted with my blood so many times I've spilled it upon them... I want to break out of this cage of mine, why am I in this cage of mine? if only I could break out of this cage of mine, I am far too weak to break out of it.. I can only smash myself against the bars again and again and again and spill my blood and paint them red... will I ever be free?
and it feels like.. I am no use.. to anyone.. maybe a little use but nothing too important.. because of this cage.. because I am too weak.. too stupid.. too... a little girl.. too weak...
oh my god she is so beautiful

to the sky I shout and the earth I cry

I feel sick.. tired.. sick and tired.. but somewhere deep in my sick and twisted mind I enjoy it.. I enjoy being sick and tired and depressed.. oh I can hear how they roar and cry in joy.. they can feast now oh what a meal.. look or host is like this again.. let's make sure it always stays like this so we can feed and feast for ever

Lacuna Coil - Angel's Punishment

Olan Mill - Flume

turning into what now?

oh gosh... I just put a nebula as my wallpaper... shut up! and yes I am listening to dubstep now

Swedish House Mafia - Ones

radiate out

and then they said we have to go further. spiral out. out of control? no.. they do not believe in control for them there is no such thing as control. and the planets passed us and the stars passed us and the galaxies passed us and the universe passed us and then.. then the quarks passed us and the electrons passed us and the atoms passed us and the molecules passed us and then we passed us

Tool - Parabloa

All this pain is an illusion

I should be doing something else, I wish I could do something else

the scent oh and I'm floating and I exist no more and she has overtook me even without being present.. the scent.. her scent.. and I am mesmerized and hypnotized and dizzy... total loss of coordination... and I can almost feel
I think I have possessed her, I might just had possessed her, I am afraid I had possessed her, are you glad I have possessed you?

Crystal Castles - Baptism

voyage to the end of all leads back home

universe is not infinite.. there is no such thing as infinity... but there are circles.. if you go to the biggest number there is.. one way bigger than any human could ever imagine.. if you go that number and add one you go back to zero cause that infinity is so big, so massive that it's nothing at all and the circle is locked and our universe is not infinite.. it might seem infinite in 3th dimension but it's actually a sphere in a 4th dimension just like the ocean seems infinite in 2th dimension but you can break out of it using the 3rd dimension.. going up

the sun was bright oh it blinded my mind

and now of curse I think that I am not good enough for you cause I can't fulfill all your needs, desires and urges.. that I am just this small and weak child pretending to be bigger than she is pretending to be something more than she is pretending to be someone worthy of your glance someone worthy of your touch ohh it drives me mad and this is so odd that I have observed.. next to you I feel quite casual, pleasant and all.. comfortable but nothing drastically lustful.. warm and safe but nothing burning.. but... but... as soon as your skin presses against mine or even worse.. if our lips meet at some point.. this wave of heat comes flushing over me.. and I'm burning and I need more.. more of you oh so much more and I can't think straight at all and I can feel how the madness overtakes me.. how my blood boils, my mind rushes, my nerves aglow and the world before me pulsing in the rhythm oh my racing heart... I'm like a pebble on a hilltop. sitting there all still and clear but a small blow of wind comes and it rocks and it starts to roll even faster and faster with no turning back

Novembers Doom - Broken

the event horizon

and once again I feel this urge to become utterly possessed by work.. to dive into it and don't come out until I've gone mad
like all the great ones have done

Tool - Lateralus

15 to 10

the train has left the station.. I never really got there.. only heard from a distance as it want away.. I stood there wondering.. did I really wanted to get on it? or maybe I just like to feeling of missing something.. I never manage to make it on time even when I leave early I always end up being late and this is a modern world we live in.. modern rushful world in which no one really waits they all have places to go to, things to do, stuff to take care of.. I am not from this time.. even tough I always end up being late I am still waiting.. and what if they come back?
I can hear the metalic beat as the train wheels hit the rails and it says
"nowhere to rush"

do my bidding I am thine slave

put thy hands upon me
cares me, embrace me
that art what I crave for
put thy hands upon me
gaze me, undress me
that art what I crave for
under the silver moon
under the darkened sky
catch me, save me
that art what I yearn for

are we human or are we dancers? fuck that! we are writers!!!

she says she could have turned out to be ballerina... it would be cool to date one I guess.. with all that flexibility oh what couldn't we do *giggle* but then again when I think about it.. I much rather would date a writer.. they have that thing that hooks you up and drives you into another world full of might and magic... yeah I much rather would date a writer.. when you look into their eyes oh the seduction, temptation, mesmerization, captivation... like with them you could do anything but without them you would die

as she glanced upon thee

"Thou art charming my dear" she said while caressing her cheek with white, icy fingers that seemed to be made out of snow and sorrow. An electric spark ran all trough her body from the place she had touched her, making even the tiniest of muscles wince all at once, stopping her heart for a fraction of a second and taking her breath far away to the place she had came from.

and now she knows

guess what? I did it!... I really did it! omg... my hands were shaking and my eyes went all googly but I did it and now she knows... she doesn't accept it fully.. like till the end yet but I think it's only temporary ^^

Sleater-Kinney - Jumpers

the end of it all indeed

by the way... the new Sirenia clip - BOOOOO)))))RING!!!!

it's raining... in January.. gosh

I just want to write something.. for the sake of writing something... this is not the first time I start an entry with such words is it?.. and then she studied and studied and went to get some tea and never came back.. I can't normally look on her pictures I simply can't ... how could I explain? well imagine the feeling you get when you look at someones picture that you truly and deeply hate [the person no the picture itself] and you go all like gosh I hate that person I can't look at it.. then you turn your head away.. then peek a little more and then turn your head away and so several times.. like you truly despise that person and just looking at the picture squeezes your guts and you almost want to puke? well now imagine that feeling.. only instead of going all like gosh that's just.. omg.. disgusting.... you go omfg... omfg.. that's just too.. too lovely... and you get the same feeling of gut squeeze and you almost want to puke but this time you would puke glitter.... I am disgusting xD I should just get over this.. yeah.. stare at it till I feel normal or pass out... but I strongly doubt that it will ever feel normal to look at her.. no matter how in person or in picture or... whatever
it is all so weird.. I am getting everything that I have always wanted one thing after another.. I hope the next will be a bass guitar *giggle*
ohh it's less then a week..
I guess today won't be that day.. I had some chances but I am still a small scared girl... but it's ok it's all right.. I still have few days left.. I can do this.. yeah

Sleater-Kinney - Entertain

and now we're getting physical, physical

I just knew it would be like this now I knew it.. but nooo.. I had to do it anyway.. smart little girl smart now you have to deal with consequences.. but k.. I totally don't regret that.. hell no.. only now I am all like.. damn.. it wasn't easy before but now it's like ten times harder.. crap.. *giggle*
the frustration... frust-tra-tion...

so you think you're thinking?

and now shoe's listening to Type O Negative... gosh girl I am trying to concentrate here xD
society acts like species.. read Origin of Species it's all about society we are nothing but animals and we act like they do too.. relationships are natural.. any kinda relationships.. it's all based on instincts.. look at them all.. nothing but beings fighting for their survival and existence... the basic laws of nature we haven't gone anywhere away from them
all our actions are basted on instincts we can not control
now I am lightly over reading the Origin of Species and I still can't get over how amazingly brilliant that old guy writes

Here we go boys and girls!

another year has passed.. just another year.. but somehow.. this upcoming one feels like.. like it's going to be simply brilliant.. ever since the midnight of this day I have lived with none of thous fucking hurdles.. fucking the doubts and just doing what I want to... without no bloody "oh maybe I shouldn't" fuck that shit! you want it? then do it... and I do.... she asked if there is anything I can't do... when I think about it now.. I think there isn't.. I can do anything.. everything that I want I just have to put my mind to it.. or my guts.. one of thous depending on the case.. and it's all thanks to her.. and only her

song of yesterday



song of today