The Gathering - You Learn About It

For the calm Sunday

31th of October

this is it.. my final blogtober entry.. and I actually made it yeeey for me ^^
last night was brilliant and full of experiences *giggle* but great anyway
I saw you last night.. it was you wasn't it? your face was different but I am sure it was you... you are somewhere out there.. I know it... I only have to be patient that's all... when I think about it.. almost all my life I've been nothing but patient... but.. was far as you visit me in my dreams now and then... I can wait... I will be able to wait.. here.. outside

morning seems fine.. at least for now

decided that I should make an entry now cause probably I'll forget later
woke up rather late just around 11:30 I think it was but it's ok it's all right
hope I'll get myself some sweet pumpkin later :3
got some new dsbm material last night.. seemed quite nice but I think I am falling for Hypothermia now ^^
the project is starting to sum up now and it looks quite good I must say
page says my shirt's been posted so now I only have to wait till the lazy post will deliver it to me.. ohh but I can't wait xD
can you believe it? it really is the one before the last one blog entry in blogtober.. maybe I should write something more but.. it can wait till tomorrow I think

An Autumn For Crippled Children

almost done with my outfit.. I'll look like a trashy Misty *giggle*
I couldn't say that I am bored I'm just doing nothing xD
ordered the Opeth shirt yeey ^^ now waiting for them to accept my money.. first time that I am ordering something for a web shop.. hope I did everything right... loss of money would suck a lot you know... but that shirt is so cute :3 it's like.. you know.. with a green logo and all ^^
oh and November is almost here.. isn't that great?

post-drone is brilliant and I just invented it ^^

my right arm is bigger than my left arm... my fucking right arm is bigger (biceps that is) and.. like that wouldn't be enough.. my left arms fingers are longer than the ones on my right arm.. damn.. I am getting more asymmetric by day.. damn xD
Hyatari is bloody brilliant... it's fucking post-drone and yes I know I just invented a new genre but listen to them.. specially to They Will Surface it is bloody post-drone and I love it ^^
the new song's getting quite neat I think.. full of rage and stuff :3 I think it's good that I came up with melody a bit too hard for myself to play.. so practicing it will rise my skill level.. I think it's silly if you only try to stay in thous lines you are comfortable with while creating something new.. there is no progress in there you know
oh.. and I need a bigger pick

let's get this thing rolling

yes and I finally can get to work... finished cleaning the two pieces of ~23min each video material....
now it looks like this and it only took me about 4 hours ^^

Evig Kyla (by Hypothermia)

hope for nothing
no ones gonna come no ones gonna come no ones gonna come no ones...
see thous hopes? let them die...
no ones gonna come and you are too fucking lazy to stand up on your own so live with it you old prick

The Baying Of The Hounds (by Opeth)

woke up in an empty flat.. so they are gone I guess... I simply feel better left alone that's just how it is... at least.. left alone by ones noisy and simply passing by... you know what I mean don't you?
suicides and lesbians and self harm of curse.. why am I so very attracted to thous things? *sigh* it can't really be explained can it? oh well I bet it can be but then again it would ask for some deep sinking into my.. khe.. childhood traumas *giggle*
I think I finished the song.. maybe a verse or two could be added but the words are there and melody as well and damn even a chorus and a bit weird ending.. ohh right.. I wanted to try to come up with some fancy intro.. right.. right... but I think it's quite good in general.. acoustic dsbm you might even say *giggle*

9 tin cans

life's irony
happily singing adult and laughing child in one room
and crying teenager sitting in dark in the room next to it
I just want to stand up and walk.. walk away in the night outside.. maybe have a smoke and just.. fuck it all.. maybe I should do it.. just stand up and walk away...
I hate how everything has to be the way you like it... you know what? fuck you... fuck you very much and I don't even care if you hear me or not.. you've never really had anyway
I also want to get fucked up really really fucked up and then die

old Tristania is good Tristania

I could never be a nanny I am not good with little kids.. simply don't know what to do with them.. ehh... actually I don't even know what to do with mates my own age xD
finished watching Simone.. it was nice all right could have had a but more of yuri and then it would have been perfect but it was lovely anyway.. only thing that saddens me is that now I have one less yuri anime to watch they don't make then often and it sucks a lot.. but I am not completely out of them yet so don't panic :3
oh and I figured out how to get thous things from my cam into pc so yeey I'll have something to do tonight ^^

I live in a castle of horrors

omg I love Effy... she's absolutely brilliant :3

Alone (by Forgotten Tomb)

all that psychology bullshit.. it's all about childhood traumas isn't it? your fucked upness must be somehow linked to your childhood and some sorta trauma you've had during that period... and what thous fuckers do ehh? they find this link weather it is there or not.. they find it and show it to you saying look... this is why you are fucked up.... but let me ask you this... what.. the fuck does it give to me?!! ehh?!! how the fuck know it will help me??? you are ignoring your problems they say... fuck them.. I am not ignoring my problems.. maybe once I did but not now that's for sure... I know that they are there.. I accept it... actually.. they've become a part of me.. almost a vital part of me... ohh and how I hate when people ask whats wrong with me and expects from me to give them some shitty clear answer like "my parents are divorcing" or "my marks are getting really low" or "my boyfriend left me" or "my dog died" or something like that... clear and simple.. something that for sure would bring anyone down but you see.. it's not like that with me.. and even if I try to explain... I don't need your fucking judgmental eyes.. I am sick of them I have enough of them in my head already and don't even dare to reproach me for my tries to hide.. you have a mask of your own so don't even fucking dare to reproach me... I am not ignoring my problems.. can you see the scars I bare with me.. thous are marks from the night time fights with my demons

Willow Smith - Whip My Hair

horns up for headbanging in a pop video \m/



at least this little chick comparing to that Bieber pussy got some balls.. you go girl

hit in progress

I am home.. yeey ^^
the practice was great and we really made some progress what is awesome of curse.. it all was great but I think the part on the tram stop was the best one and we really should make that song cause it has a great chance to become a hit I tell you that.. two words is all we need two words are the core of it all so why bother with more?
I got a new ring.. hell yeah \m/ ^^ \m/
that little chick really is disturbing and unpleasant

tududududud BEER!!!! tittitititi VODKA!!!!

ohh and by the way... happy Mole day everyone :3

The Gathering - Saturnite

Saturnine (by The Gathering)

school is over at least for this month isn't that nice? ^^
the day was really nice.. the little ones got good lesson and I got to film it all awesome is awesome.. I told that we should go somewhere and we did.. it was really nice and totally worth it wasn't it? some incidents always happen.. just don't mind them..
did you knew that tomorrow is the Mole day? isn't that ever so awesome? *giggle* all praise the lord
I think I've found my band of the upcoming week... The Gathering [Anneke is ever so brilliant, gorgeous and just utterly awesome] "you don't need to preach you don't have to love me.... all the time"

The Gathering - Analog Park

mind is a strange and wonderful thing I am not sure if it ever will be able to figure itself out everything else... the atom and the universe... everything except itself

shade of an early morming

I overslept.. again.. argh I hate it so much it makes rest of the day all like.. fuck this shit.. just wanted to get out of there as fast as I could.. damn... head hurts a bit but it's all right it's all fine... starting to loose any will to keep up my happy image in front of them.. what's the point? just don't.. don't don't don't.. lately I've been saying to myself over and over again.. just don't.. don't... I am a bit tired but it's all right it's all fine.. keep yourself together little girl there is not place for a mental breakdown now.. at least not a fast one... keep it slow

なんなん (by Mass of the Fermenting Dregs)

the bale was brilliant.. I feel so cultural now :3
middle of week so the most part is over *whew*
I wanted to say something... hmm
Mass of the Fermenting Dregs are awesome <3
I am not sporty.. not at all.. I used to be at least a bit.. now I totally am not but ehh.. can't do everything right? ;-)
k.. home late.. should get to studying..
see ya then ;-)

the day number 19 and I am still here

another day another lesson
why there were so many blue things there? did it really tried to show me something? I don't know... maybe... maybe I'm just imagining things again.. as always...
"No, Thank you!" is such a hype song.. seriously.. give it a try.. and read the lyrics too... rock out \m/
ehh.. should study now.. but I don't really want to.. but I should.. I ought to... ehh..
I like mornings.. they are so nice.. city's waking.. no ones yet around.. so nice
and I've lost it.. somewhere.. somehow.. but it's all right it's ok... maybe I'm better off without it you know.. maybe I never really had it in the first place..

oh what a lovely day to die

today I should say something new... but there is nothing new to be told.. there has never been anything new actually... things just repeat themselves...
the poetic thing was nice.. but I don't think I wrote anything worthy.. actually I have never written anything worthy.. at least not worthy to others.. I think.. but I don't know... I don't know a lot of things..
all is full of potential force.. it doesn't give me a shit though
everyone is full of potential actions... they don't change a shit
so everything stays as it is and simply repeats itself over and over again

Mass of the Fermenting Dregs - I F A Surfer

Eternal Damnation (by Ragnarok)

you came to me... in a dream.. it was you wasn't it?... but then you disappeared.. I never got to say goodbye... but maybe that's for better... maybe that means we'll meet again... someday... somehow... I'll be waiting and silently hope that you're waiting too

Falling Snow (by Agalloch)

today was... actually really awesome.. got pancakes for breakfast and I think we did a bloody good job.. I plaid the song again and realized how fucking awesome it is ^^ the play was nice.. I liked the whole idea about author as part of it...
I just hope that this day didn't turn out so nice just because I had a horrible night

oh and it snowed today as well.. first time this season.. and ahh.. it was ever so stunningly beautiful :3

Sledge-Hammered Heart (by Totalselfhatred)

I want to be down.. as down as I possible can... cause she gets sorry for me then and leaves me alone...
I want to cry.. get in the corner and cry.. cry till I pass out.. maybe when I wake up you will be here... then you will kiss me and say that I belong... that I finally belong
I went wrong... somewhere in my path I went so very wrong... now I am utterly lost
I am so very sorry.. to all thous lives I've interrupted with my actions.. with my presence... I wish I could go back.. before it all started.. to never make that wrong turn.. maybe then it all would have been fine and I would have done such horrible things...
when ever I get too close to someone I tend to fuck it all up in one way or another
I have such clumsy clumsy hands...
will I ever get out of this lacuna coil?

and all thous cheezy sayings that love is like a drug turns out to be true.... well kinda

"It turns out that the areas of the brain activated by intense love are the same areas that drugs use to reduce pain," said Arthur Aron, PhD, a professor of psychology at State University of New York at Stony Brook and one of the study's authors. Aron has been studying love for 30 years. "When thinking about your beloved, there is intense activation in the reward area of the brain -- the same area that lights up when you take cocaine, the same area that lights up when you win a lot of money."


the full article here

t.A.T.u. - All The Things She Said

it's all nice of curse [the idea and all] but that kiss is simply so fake and... umm... not gay... xD still the song is great and got itself stack in my head

simply as that

look..... I found another one :3

run, hide, cover up, die

and then they passed... from right to left... disappeared and reappeared just to let me know that they are leaving again..
and don't really know what should I say today
it rained.. which was nice of curse.. I think it still rains.. what is even better..
I want to listen to a lot of dsbm and watch a lot of yuri....
will they come after me? no ones coming after me...
stagnation
something's missing
don't you just love it when.... and I hate you even more
my journey in the underworld

true demativatore [or how ever you write it] is true

OMG.... it is sooooo fucking true xD

rapture

I should say something today as well right?
my hand hurts :< that fast picking thing aynt that easy.. ohh what can possibly be there that hard? just move your hand real fast and that's all... you know what... if you do so you will only get some off time asimetric shreding and that's good for nothing... but I think I am doing better then when I started so... that's more than nothing ^^
it's damn cold in here.. I like it when it's cold outside but I want my place to be warm... maybe I should put on some gloves...
the morning was brilliant.. the sky above simply magnificent.. looked like it's bleeding.. like there would have been a massacre in heaven and all the angels would bleed all over the space above..
still thinking should I or should I not lock myself utterly up... it's not like I am really that much needed by anyone I think.. company is always nice I understand that but I think I could be simply replicable... ohh if only it would make her go away... that voice in my head.. it's starting to get really annoying.. it's like I can't do anything without being criticized... I have to admit she is right.. at least most of the time but still... when I think back it almost feels like I've been criticized for everything I do my whole life... if not by others then by myself.. or her cause really at the moment she is branching off my entity and becoming an individual one.... and now again.. can you hear it? off curse I am NOT FUCKING ONLY ONE!!!! everyone I think have it the same way but god.... you don't have to rub it in my face again and again and again.... everything I say is wrong.. I guess I should just shut up then... you would like it wouldn't you?

"Light music club" you are bloody awesome

Just watched the final episode of K-ON!!
*sigh* I'll miss it... and I'm a senior this year as well... damn... *sigh*
but it was really great and Mio-chan fucking rocks \m/


and the final ending is fucking awesome

random entry title

there's really nothing much to say.. the days passes.. fungi makes me all sleepy [still]

having this urge to lock myself up... isolate... be that sad little girl
run away and hide.. this is not my place.. there should be someone else in this place.. they want someone else in this place.. they accept me but.... something's missing.... something's missing something's missing....

wait for me.. outside.. will you hold on? can you hold on?
I know that you are waiting... at least with this thought I comfort myself... I am waiting too

silent

Giant Had Witnesses

The one I had in my head in the school



and the one I had in my head during the lecture about fungi



and the one that plays in my head now

Ulver - Like Music

I want you
To tell me

Who you are
In your dreams

Who is there
And is it beautiful

Like music

Do you know
If it is a word

Is it love

Does it hurt
Deep inside

Like music

Can you hear it
It is fading


had it it my head for almost whole day... just listen to it.... once... maybe twice...
if you find it... if you do then you know what I mean.... and then you will know... we are on the same wave you and I


maybe I should say something more but... no... not now... better just listen to the song and join me as I sit here.... if you want to.... if you also find it.....

at least then they didn't ignore it

Listening to The Residents radio specials from 1977...

"now lets continue to listen to this so called music"

more than 30 years after and what has changed? nothing but the fact that these days no one would ever let such music play on mass radio stations.... and they still can't understand why it's called music.... we are going down here... down...down....down...

I am doing..... shit what?!!!....... yourself?

I feel so fucking weird... been feeling like this for a week or so now.. damn... not cool not cool.. like I am constantly half asleep.. I also feel so fucking lazy it isn't even funny anymore... the concept of reality is starting to shift.... The Residents are simply brilliant.. they were way ahead of their time and still are for the general public... I should get rid of this shit... too bad I have no bloody idea how I could do that *sigh* lets just hope that it won't lead me into a pit of which I won't be able to get out

and then she said

"Ri-chan - Besides, do you really want to get hit that badly?
Mugi-chan - Yes. I mean, you and Mio-chan look so close together whenever she hits you. The same with Yui-chan and Azusa-chan. It's like I'm always left out of the intimacy. I really want to be part of it!"

/K-ON!!/


*giggle* it's funny cause it's true

Lyckantropen Themes

so.. yeah... hi... hi there all of you... who ever you are.. yeah.. hi.. I'm back ^^

yesterday I went to meet with ma mates with whom I'm working on this MEP projects [don't know what mep is? google it you lazy ass] I'm working on the middle part of it and we came to conclusion that my main goal is to bring the audience in as deep and utter depression as I possibly can... [I lol'd inside] me.... to bring them down as much as I can... how am I ever going to do that?? xD but seriously this is brilliant
I ate normal breakfasts today yeey ^^ good for me :3
wouldn't it be funny if I would become anorexic now? like what else there of teenage fucked up ways are left I haven't tried yet? ohh.. I haven't done any serious drugs hmm... yeah... in general I think I've had a little bit of everything.... *sigh* great... simply.... great... *sigh* k... k.. I know it's not that bad I am not that down and all there are plenty of things I haven't been into and haven't experienced when I think about it it seems more like I wouldn't have experienced anything at all rather than something but you know.. I'm just sayin'....
while discussing the things around the project we also came upon a topic about why we have such alias as we do... about myself.. [they know me as "Grey"] that's just who I am in general... I am not bright.. I am not deep and dark like black or shiny and bright like white.. I am in the middle.. I am neutral... nothing specific... a little bit of everything but nothing at all at the same time... I can be anything but I am nothing... I don't go well together with everything like black or white.. nor I have some specifics with what I go together well and whit what I suck... I can stand next to anything like be there you know but there aren't anything I would go really well with like to what you could say "thous two colours are meant to be put together"
I am still obsessed with Ulver I love them ever so much and Morrowind as well.. I even dreamt about it last night xD

enter/exit

I am still here still doing this.. today was nice and I wanted to say something more but at the moment I just don't want to... feeling kinda tired.. maybe cause I haven't eaten anything normal today cause I never become able to... I should eat more... I really should... *sigh* k... I think I'll be logging out now so see ya later...

-over and out-

Wolfs evolve

got myself a new shirt.. and a tie ^^ awesome is awesome..

I am obsessed with Ulver.. falling for them ever so much

just can't...... stop..... listening to.....

Morrowind Bloodmoon mission are brilliant... first of all it all takes place on an island where Nords live.. I think you can imagine how it looks there [awesome awesome awesome]
and the missions are even more interesting than the main ones [and the main ones are really great]
find the stone and recover the power of it.... for the water one I had to find a small island off the shore and from there follow to a turtle called "swimmer" who lead me to an underwater cave... how awesome is this? to swim next to turtle as it is leading you to a cave? damn... I want to play some more xD

and when did you dreamt last time?

omg the 7th.... have I ever told you that I dream very very rarely.. :-/
the 14th and there's the answer to the question I've been asking myself for some time now

and what do you think about the fish?

hey! ho! this day is old! and so are you!

am I doing this right? he... hello.. my name is [] and I am here to represent the way of the new wave you know what I am talking about right? [if you do then tell me please as I have no bloody idea]

there was a redhead in my english book.. for almost all lesson I just could take me eyes of her.. I tried.. really hard.. I really did but I just couldn't... redheads are bloody hot.. they are the hottest thing ever.. seriously.. I of curse mean the natural ones not the fake ones [like myself].. they have gorgeous red hair, they are pale, they have freckles and they are slim [it's all in general of curse but still] can it get even better? I strongly doubt it.. at least not for me..... am I turning into a dyke? no.... I don't think so.. it's just a faze.. I've been watching too many shows and such related to the topic.. influence does it's work... it's not like I despise man I just... don't feel that attracted to them I guess... at least not in general... they are nice and all but... yeah... of curse I can't judge and say anything really.. my experience aynt that wide you know... but.. well yeah... *giggle* *looks away*

and I know I am not and I know I am all

blogtober is cool blogtober is great
I am feeling better than yesterday w00t w00t ^^

evnin' my dear.. khem.. who ever the heck you are or are not
today was... and I am back home... had decent breakfasts for once... but never managed to get proper lunch...
I like horror cause it makes me feel comfortable
fluffy pink bunnies gives me paranoia
you can never get what you want and you don't ever want what you can get
this shit is random but so am I
am I? and nothing really matters
am I? are you still here?
am I? still walking this path every day
the leaves are falling.. it's my time of the year

under the infulence of Butterfly (by Tapping The Vein)

look at me now
I'm participating in a homicide
look at me now
I'm killing them all in my head
they don't know it yet
but they are corpses in my head
another new face meaningless
I'm participating in a homicide

Puking is metal xD and helping fellow mates is metal too \m/

So Long, Scarecrow

it's evening and I am making the second entry.. yeah I didn't forget ^^
I am better now thanks for asking and... I found my ring ^^ [it was in my bed]
and yes I am totally, utterly and completely over him the only problem is.. that I am not that much over someone else but maybe I shouldn't get over.. maybe that's how it should be between.. you know.. well k k.. at first place I shouldn't really be into but I am and there's not that much I can do about it so... yeah...
lately I've been having these dreams more and more often.. when I am with someone.. but don't get me wrong there's nothing of pornographic nature there I simply am not that kinda person... actually I might be but.. there's nothing like that in there so don't worry... maybe my alone time is coming to an end.. maybe... soon... someone... somehow... will find me.. you know that I really am not that good in searching... I am an observer.. I sit look around and wait... or maybe thous dreams are meant to make it easier for me to get along whit this.. state of mine... here I dear to have a little hope... maybe my alone time is finally coming to an end... maybe...


p.s. damn it.. I just noticed that I do really write whit not with but it's just a type-o I have no idea why.. when I write with hand it always comes out correct but with keyboard.... it's weird xD

how is raven like a writing desk?

yes I know I know 4th day and I already have missed two posts but what can I do if memory is not a good friend of mine? so... because I missed yesterdays post I'll be giving two entries today... one now and one in the evening lets hope I won't forget about the second one...

a poem to my belly

oh my dearest belly
thou art so weak
thou even can't hold
a goblet of beer

oh my dearest belly
thou art so weak
next time we meet
I'll give you some tea

did you know that I had nothing so vile?

- ohh fuck.. I almost forgot
- what?
- you know.. the thing
- what thing?
- that thing I've been secretly planning to do and hoping that I won't forget
- watch all seasons of dino barny?
- what?... no.... I am talking about blogtober
- blo... what?
- blogtober.. you know.. blog + october = weird random everyday blog month
- ohh.. right.. so you are starting now? at the second one.. way to go *khe khe*
- I tagged yesterdays post as blogtober so it counts.. I started at time
- no you didn't
- ohh shut up

so yeah all my beloved followers.. lovers and haters and of curse you.. I mean me... I've decided to put a little task above me.. a task named blogtober.. where for a full month I will blog every day... or at least try to and hope that I won't forget
today I...
got up
cleaned the room
watched some movies
plaid guitar
watched some movies again
plaid Morrowind (started bloodmoon missions)
washed my hair
and somewhere in the middle lost my ring.. and it sucks.. a lot.. though.. I had this feeling for some time now that I am about to lose it so when now it happened I didn't felt that surprised, socked and sad

we live in a void... enjoy the journey

photogenetic recap

and often we see the things they tell us as the things that really are
cold icy morning
snow caps on trees
two eyed monster with white burning eyes
passes
lonely wind greets me with a smile
she kissed me on the cheek as I left
walking for hours

Ulver - Porn Piece Or The Scars Of Cold Kisses

don't you love it when you are looking for a great song and you find that someone has made video for it using a great movie and the two together makes up a total brilliance

I remember walking, one side of town to the other
Alone one night in January... or February
It's like in an old movie from some other land
It lasted for hours

Only streelights
And the grating of gravel in pedestrian subways

I remember some trees which stood black and naked
Weatherbeaten hollows of snow
With sparse lumps of ice,
Been scraped off by the wind alone
And on the stairs before I left
One of the girls had surprisingly given me a kiss
Stung in the cold long after