thous dreams in which I'm...

I dream were rarely and when I do the dream mostly makes no sense at all and leaves me confused after the awakening... but this time it was something new.. well not totally new but the way of things happening was new.. we were 4 or 5 there in an abandoned flat that seemed a lot like the one I live in only there were no sign of someone living in there but the kitchen which for some reason not like all the other rooms were left with furniture, wallpapers and other things you can find in any other flat.. but what we were doing there? well as it seemed a group of suiciders were collected in there... we just hanged ourselfs one after the other.. I did it one of the firsts and succeeded at me first try and the death came were fast in a moment I was gone.. the feeling of lightening came upon my body and I knew I've done it... but then I was back in the kitchen.. all alive again and none seemed surprised about it so after a small talk I tried to hang myself again.. but this time I just couldn't do it. I tried 2 or 3 times but all of them failed... so weird it seems that at my first try the death came so easy and fast but when for some reason unknown to me I came back I just couldn't leave no matter how hard I thought about the way I should leave.... dreams are one weird thing...

I am not much of a speaker

today we had a public speech concurs in english at school.. and I had to participate cause I was chosen from the class as the black sheep [no one else wanted to go] and I got to know about this event only few days before so I had almost no time to get ready but anywho... the topic for the speech were "Words are like loaded guns" and as I am more of a writing than speaking person I thought that I could share my speech with you so here it goes ^^ [hope you'll enjoy it]

"People say that words are like loaded guns. They can shoot and by that hurt you any moment, sometimes even without a purpose. I myself would like to adjust a bit this statement. For as you see words are not the ones being guns. They are more likely to be seen as bullets for that gun, not the gun itself. A human mind on the other hand lets itself to be compared with a loaded gun very easy. It holds the thought that can later on be shouted out and become word - bullet. A human mind just like a gun can be used for both protection and attacking but for some reason that is unknown to me it’s mostly used for attacking. Just like a gun. It is well known fact that words can hurt someone a lot more than a gun could ever have. Though, while a real gun is made for physical injuring mind is made for mental wounding. And most of the times it’s a lot harder to recover from a mental than physical injury. Of curse this can not be related to all cases as any other hypocritical statement but it can be applied to most of them. Funny it seems that so many rules are made for the purchasing of a weapon like a gun and such supervision is made upon those who own one while a mind and words stay uncontrolled. Some might say that it’s logical and the idea of censoring ones thoughts and words itself is unhuman and must be suppressed. But what if by using just words a lethal outcome is made? Shouldn’t society protect itself from such possibility that words are used for smothering, controlling and injuring? But looking on the world as it is now I understand that this is impossible. Too many evil deeds have been done using words and too many rotten thoughts lies in human heads. It’s too late for a try to control it by the force of law and it would also ask for too much of an effort to do that. If only there would be a way how to sweep those aggressive thoughs out of humans heads. A chance how to unload the gun so it can’t be used for wounding. And here a question appears. Who could ever do that? None, none but the person itself. The way of thinking must be changed before the gun can become neutralized. How to do it? Only a person itself can answer to this question. Only by ones strong will and real action the gun he holds in his head can be unloaded. So it would never strike and injure again."

Dethklok - Dethalbum 2007

my dearest milady was willing to have a little something from these gallant gentleman's so here they are... hope you'll enjoy them dear ^^

1.	Murmaider	03:24
2.	Go into the Water	04:19
3.	Awaken	03:37
4.	Bloodrocuted	02:16
5.	Go Forth and Die	04:20
6.	Fansong	02:55
7.	Better Metal Snake	03:26
8.	The Lost Vikings	04:26
9.	Thunderhorse	02:45
10.	Briefcase Full of Guts	02:43
11.	Birthday Dethday	02:48
12.	Hatredcopter	02:55
13.	Castratikron	02:56
14.	Face Fisted	04:16
15.	Dethharmonic	04:30
16.	Deththeme	00:34
Total playing time		52:10

as I lay

coldness comes from the floor... I can hear a knocking sound.. it repeats itself again and again and.. fly tries to get out.. hopes she'll be able to drag trough the window.. bangs her head against the glass knock-knock again and again and.... she can see the grass on the other side of glass.. knock-knock-knock... someone is calling me out or more likely.. tries to get in..... what will crack first.. glass of the window or the head of a lonely fly with nothing much in it than a reflex of a need for a greener grass

a friendly ask

everclear06 a guy from last.fm I've been given some recommendations to asked my if I could put thous couple of albums in here.. [both of them are dsbm albums with depressive rock influences which is my all time favorite genre...] so I did and here they are ^^

Helvetespine - Frykten Og Mennesket 2007

1.	Preludium - Hvor Maanelys Speiles i Mennesteblod	01:26
2.	Døden er Kunst	05:35
3.	Blott et Minne	04:48
4.	Frykten og Mennesket	06:00
5.	Helvetespine del I	06:45
6.	Helvetespine del II	09:53
7.	Postludium - Den Siste Natt	01:27
Total playing time		33:57

Totalselfhatred - Totalselfhatred 2008

1.	Enlightment	05:41
2.	Ruoska	06:03
3.	Sledge-Hammered Heart	06:35
4.	Spirituelles Equilibrium	04:38
5.	Mighty Black Dimensions	07:27
6.	Carving	07:46
7.	Total Self-Hatred	07:20
Total playing time		45:30

death metal fuck yeah

I love Cannibal Corpse ^^

religion

it started at 5days evening and lasted till just now.. some religious freak somehow found me on last.fm and started all this talk about how Jesus loves me and etc. and I have to admit such religious freaks are one of the rare things that really really pisses me off.. people who tries to push their opinion unto others in general really bugs me and gets on my nerves.. I suppose he thought that I was some kinda Satans worshiper so he was trying to convince me that Jesus is the answer and Satan is bad and all thous silly stuff.. I was trying to get him away from me I even actually wrote "please PISS OFF" but still he won't stop to bother me... then just today he made a journal entry about his expirience and it turns out that he used to practice ocult black magic and in the end became possesed by demons when Jesus came and rescue him.. I don't know how true it is but I at least got his point and understood why he won't leave me alone. for a shame at the very beginning he didn't bother himself by asking me what do I think about ocultism and other things that comes along with it.. just seeing that I listen to satanic music and wear an anti-cross he thought that I was worshiping Satan and having him as my leader or something... but it's all wrong.. yes I do indeed call myself a satnists but only because I fallow LaVeys phylosphy which he has written in his book "Satanic bible".. but I am not willing to have demonic power or actualy any other power that isn't my own... I believe that to get trought this life all I need is to belive in myself to believe in my own strenght and power my own wisdom and will...
I am my own GOD and I am my own REDEEMER!
and NONE shal I OBEY!

Benighted in Sodom

Do I even have to say something? This is Matron Thorn from Florida and he is the only member of the depressive suicidal black metal band Benighted in Sodom. And all I can say is.. this is the best dsbm band picture I've ever.. ever seen. I've always loved the irony and the place I love to see it the most is in dsbm scene. Lifelover for example the name itself holds in it great irony life-lover you see? -giggle- but I must say that this picture is even better.. way better than that. Depressed guy in black sitting in the middle of a crop field. Crop itself is the symbol of grouth and life. But to make it even better the field is painted pink. The thing that makes this picture so great is not only the irony but also the light sadness for as you see he is just sitting there but the field starting in front as light and ready to live slowely faids whail moving to back and in the end becomes one with the black void. Pure awesomeness ^^

somewhere not here

last night I had one of most amazing experiences in my life the state I went trough were undescribable but I think the word "freaky" is the one who stands closer to the thing than any other one.... a few days ago I got this movie pack called "10 sickest movies" as I am that kinda person who likes gory things I thought that I'll enjoy such movies so last night I put one up "Cutting Moments" it was called.. it started out very slow and in nothing's happening way but there were this moment in the movie. "a woman standing in front of the mirror and rubbing her lips with a metal sponge till they got all blody" blood... nice nice "then she takes a scissors and starts to cut of her upper lip" I sit and watch, enjoy myself quite well and then suddenly I don't know what happaned but I suppose I almost fainted for as you see all got blury and I could see only big and blury objects also I couldn't hear nothing but loud and distorted hiss in my ears it felt like someone would have hitted my head with a huge wooden bat I once hit my leg in a place where nerves can be demaged very hard and the feeling were quite the same only this time it was much more powerfull.. for a moment I thought that I am about to die.. I lost the connection with reality because of the monumental dizzynes of the moment.. somehow I managed to turn of my computer tough now I have no idea how I did that.. as I was strongly trying to not lose my consciousness cause if I would have lost it the fall from the chair I was sitting in most probably would end with strong head damage and probably me bleeding on the ground and it all might even end with me being dead so.. just don't lose your consciousness just don't lose it... when my head started to clear out a bit as I was sitting on my bead with my eyes floathing somewhere in the dark room I remembered that I had some chocolate bars on my deskt so I got them and as I was eating the second one my head atlast stoped to spin my ears stoped to scream and my eyes could tell a TV from a book-shelf... that was something scary very disturbing and at the same time hugely interesting and exciting.. something you won't forget that fast.. I have to admit for me it felt even better than being drunk xD

as the time flashes

first entry this year and I already forgot what I wanted to say nothing special I suppose.. as one period is replaced by another a will to look back comes stronger to recall what has happened in the last year. for me 2009 was the year of letting go I think past has done it's work and has given me an enormous lesson which I shall use to become wiser. for the first time I truly feel that it all has ended.. I had anything that I could have been willing to have but still I was lost someplace else not ready to face the reality yet not willing to admit that my state had changed but it really seems that this all confusion will stay in the past for once...

With mercenary smile
I rise up from the shade
As the king of all souls

My Dying Bride - The Lies I Sire

as you might know music means a lot to me and whenever I can I describe my state with a song.. I was going to just paste some lyrics in here but I ended up marking all song so I'll just walk the shortest way