just another morning

I'm so sick.. so very sick... just a sick little girl... see? that's why you musn't be with anyone that's why you must remain alone.. your sick child.. sick... the darkness.. all around you.. that's your home.. your place.. don't even try to find something else.. they will leave and we will pull you back in anyway..but no no no no no no....oh yes little girl.. that's what's going to happen you know it... I don't believe in it.. you're just an illusion.. just an echo... a shadow.. please.. someone.. dear please SAVE ME FROM MYSELF.....




tuned on to Flyleaf



it will be fine... little girl just had a bad dream

shadow of a shadow

I fell like such a crap at the moment.. don't really know why.. she's still alive and she's pulling me back.. the despair and the coldness.. alone in the dark you must be she says to me.. alone.. forever alone.. sorrowful and isolated.. you must be like that forever.. but I am not anymore.. oh but soon you will be.. no I won't.. I will never be like that again.. not with her beside me.. but when she leaves? you know she will... no I don't.. that's only what you say.. what you want me to believe in so you could overtake me again and feed from me.. from my pain, fear and sorrow I know I can't kill you but I can make you die from hunger..
and each time she lays in front.. the last though.. just before I fall asleep.. repeats itself over and over again "I love her"
and I hate myself so much for being so casual when I am with her... I am still so very weak

oh and one more thing.. I don't know if she knows.. I think that she doesn't.. each touch of her mesmerizes me.. sends burning shivers all trough my vanes.. and I don't know anymore.. how to be.. where to be and what to be..

why should I trust you? cause I am the Doctor

aaand I forgot to tell you... I finally saw the new Doctor Who episode [fuck yeah - period]... it was so marvelous oh my dear Doctor I missed you ever so much.. I saw it in the morning and because of it was hype all day long *giggle* if you have seen some episodes you'll understand why. if you haven't.. then watch some and you will.. and you know what is ever so awesome? that next week there will be a new episode.. oh my Bob *giggle* my dear Doctor I missed you ever so much.. if you would only knew what has happened to me during this time :3

a morning isn't a morning without a feeling of a morning

Deadmau5 and Darwin thous mates should drink a cup of tea some time together... they should call the Doctor to get to each other though... still it's a brilliant way to start a day... should watch some anime too... don't have anything light again xD the lightest thing I have no is The High School Of The Dead I think xD actually it's bloody good but what do you want it's horror + ecchi so what comes from it? the two great B's... Blood and Boobs... it's a new one too so the quality is really good... only 30 [or so] pages to go.. it looks like I am going to fulfill the task given by my dear mate.. to finally finish it till the end of a year... well then.. it was nice seeing you ;-) I am going back to dive into pulsing waves of Deadmau5 & Darwin

oh and last night I fell asleep to the Kafka's Castle and woke up an hour or so later to that 4h track.... how awesome is that? xD

one more thing about the HSOFD... in the end of the first ep there was this tune.. this ever so lovely tune which made me think "oh this anime really is brilliant" it took me some seconds to realized why I loved it so on an instance.. it was a cover of the 28 theme

awake! awake! the morning is here little girl

who's the men? you're the men little girl.. you know what you have to do I know that you want it too.. be rude little girl.. be big be what you truly are little girl... or are you just saying? or are you pretending? or are you simply like a salamander pretending to be big? are you really lying to them all? take a step.. don't look back.. fuck the past and fuck the doubts.. take step.. fall into the river.. let the stream overtake you.. be brave little girl... grow up little girl.. you are out of there now.. your time has come little girl.. be brave little girl.. be bold little girl.. don't be a little girl little girl... are you scared? are you still scared? no... no you are not.. the voices... only pale echoes still there but they.. they have no thongs in their mouths... be brave little girl.. be bold little girl

"it is time to spread my wings
to fill this empty hole.

It has now begun
The forces under me
Will conquer all before
And bring me to my victory!

I've seen that man before
Down from the fall
And now standing tall
I've seen this
I have been this
And now I am
my own man

No more misery
Look outside and see
What are you waiting for?
Pick yourself up
Get up off the floor "

you have a shirt but I have none because you have a shirt

watching a movie about Troll 2 [if you haven't seen Troll 2 you MUST see it now.. if you know me personal and aynt too for away from me you MUST get me so we can watch it together] and there is this guy.. he's Troll 2 fan.. he's just saying something and then I notice that he has a Summoning shirt.. I instantly go like "gosh.. I LOVE YOU ALREADY!!! don't mind me while I take my clothes off" *giggle*

hello! my name is...

Abanazer... that's one of the most gothic words ever.. just listen to the ring of it.. Abanazer... just like Emily and Lenore

Draconian - The Everlasting Scar

The Everlasting Scar (by Draconian)

I taught this will blow over.. I taught you'll come to your senses and calm down.. I taught that you will open your eyes and see that I am still here and I haven't gone anywhere... guess you won't.. your whole attitude.. it was fine with me cause I understood that you needed some time and some space but it's starting to really hurt her.. and that.. that I can not accept.. I was just standing there aside waiting for you.. yes I was holding her hand but dear I have two hands.. yes my heart belongs to her but you never really wanted it did you? she never took me from you.. but your actions just might do it now.. even though you broke my heart I still stayed beside you cause I know it was my and only my own fault... you never really made me feel at place and comfortable but I still stayed beside you cause I knew you needed me and you were dear to me... I am still here.. still waiting for you to calm the fuck down but I can't be patient forever with someone who hurts my love... I hope you understand that

the morning came with yet another pattern

my grandma [my mothers mother] just left.. she was here for few hours.. I woke up because I heard her voice.. I love my grandma she is ever so awesome.. she divorced my grandpa some years ago [it could be more than 10 now I think] and now lives alone but she is really happy with that cause now she has found herself and can do what ever the hell she wants.. since then she has traveled.. A LOT... not too far though but still.. she reads a lot and is really into metaphyzical stuff which I think is awesome.. and I enjoy having conversations with her ever so much... I kinda was planning to tell her about us.. never really got the chance but I somehow think that she already knows.. in a subconscious level... when ever she gives me a present she gives me a card with some greeting on it as well.. it's mostly quite long so I read it much later.. this time it was a lot shorter and I read it to myself on the spot.. it said "every person comes different in our lives. with a reason, for a moment or for the lifetime. listen to your intuition and you will discover the beautiful regularity of causes and consequences." I believe in patterns.. I see them everywhere.. everything happens as a consequence of something that has already happened.. she also gave me a bag of nuts.. a bag of walnuts still in their shells.. and some money.. the first thought in my head as I took it "what could I get for her"

can you see thous trees there? aren't they beautiful?

this day was simply brilliant till it's core
went to the sea.. as I alone walked trough the forstbiten forest my phone put on The Wolves (Act I and II) a moment of pure perfection
later I meat up with my dearest friends that I hadn't seen for such a long time.. we all are more mature now but still the same in the core and I love it ^^
after that meat up [again] with my girlfriend and we went to the new Potter movie which was awesome but a bit sad at the same time cause next part will be the last one *sigh* but now I really want to get all of the books in english and read them ^^
I lost one of my rings few days ago.. a massive silver spiral shaped snake around my finger.. I really loved that ring and it was expensive as well but for some reason I didn't really grieved that much about the loss it seemed quite natural that it's gone [though I really really loved that ring it was so awesome]... today I got a new one.. it perfectly fits in the place of the old one but this one's priceless
The black heart of a lost soul has find it's place.

future is the present and the present will never come

gosh it's cold in here... not as cold as there but still.. tough actually it wasn't that cold there.. actually it was really really warm there
"is it cold in here or is it just me?"
half of the school year will be over tomorrow.. oh my.. that's crazy seriously... this summer I'll have to find a place to live in.. I want a cat there.. I wonder should I live alone or with someone.. should be more fun with someone but.. time will show.. oh gosh.. will have to find a job as well.. want to get on my own feet as fast as I can..
we all are sick in here.. all of us.. you.. me.. they... we are all the same.. all the fucking same.. nothing differs.. no one differs.. the things you see.. nothing but sketches of reality

just one last thing that I forgot to say

this is it... now I can fully officially say - I've had my first kiss
all the ones before were too long or too short [mainly too long] to be considered as THE ONE... the one you'll remember for the rest of your life.. the one that's just prefect till it's core... the one that marks you... with the taste of her lips and craving for more

my bag is a part of me too

you know what I hate? what I really really hate? thous people in lines that stand too close to you... like I am just standing there.. minding my own business the line starts moving and I fallow the flow but the prick behind me thinks that the lines is moving faster so it starts to get closer to me by that trying to make me move faster without touching me.. but you know what? you are touching me.. you are constantly running into my bag.. you may have not noticed it but I do notice and that shit gets on my nerves... the line won't move faster because you are getting closer to me.. you won't get a seat on the bus only cause the line is moving faster.. it doesn't matter how fast you move.. your place in the line matters not the speed you are moving in it... keep your fucking distance!

Within Temptation - Our Solemn Hour

In Praise Of Bacchus (by Type O Negative)

no.. I am not dead.. at least not yet *giggle*
yeah I know I know another good period of time has passed since my last entry but as I already told in the previous one... I write when I'm sad and depressed.. in the pit you know.. but I haven't been there ever since.. maybe just for a second but she pulled me out in an instance so.... yeah... isn't that weird how people beside you never really sees the difference? I'll just say how it is for me... I used to be depressed.. like really really depressed and even suicidal.. for years.. before that.. I was just your normal happy kid.. no one really noticed the difference before and in the pit... maybe it's cause they see you almost every day or just are used to the way you are... were.. so they don't bother to open their eyes again and see what is happening with you.. only thous involved know... like now.. I am finally out of that bloody pit.. of the abyss of despair but I strongly doubt that anyone has noticed.. I am an introvert person in general I wouldn't even care that much unless... some months [almost half a year] ago I started an online music project with a guy from Egypt.. I gave him some texts and he wrote some melodies but then it somehow stopped... we hadn't talked for couple of months and then some days ago he contacts me.. you know the casual. oh hi how are you doing... stuff.. I'll pic out a piece of that conversation which surprised me quite much..

[11:11:07] Synchrol Wurm: Ouch!, It's has been so long time
[11:13:43] Corvus corax: :D indeed
[11:13:53] Synchrol Wurm: How u doing, How's everything ?!
[11:14:24] Corvus corax: I'm doing quite good thank you ^^ studying you know.. years coming to an end... what about yourself?
[11:15:00] Synchrol Wurm: studying, reading, make music bla bla bla
[11:15:18] Corvus corax: I see I see ^^
[11:15:57] Synchrol Wurm: Yeah
[11:16:16] Synchrol Wurm: you seems quite different after i saw changed your profile
(I used to have a missive about me on last.fm with pictures and shit.. then I changed it to just some lines)
[11:16:21] Synchrol Wurm: and everything went like :O WTF
[11:16:43] Corvus corax: changed like how?
[11:17:05] Synchrol Wurm: like i dunno
[11:17:07] Synchrol Wurm: lol
[11:17:32] Corvus corax: :D but seriously?
[11:18:02] Synchrol Wurm: i don't know like you was kinda depressed all the time but now i don't know think and when i was talking with you i never saw you put these emotions
[11:18:29] Corvus corax: well... yeah... I'm kinda out of that pit now
[11:18:34] Corvus corax: (wasntme)
[11:18:39] Synchrol Wurm: hahahahahaha
[11:18:47] Synchrol Wurm: Are you in love with something like that
[11:18:52] Synchrol Wurm: i mean
[11:18:58] Synchrol Wurm: in love with someone made you like that
[11:18:59] Synchrol Wurm: sorry
[11:19:11] Corvus corax: .... maybe
[11:19:24] Synchrol Wurm: Ohhhh
[11:19:52] Synchrol Wurm: that's great news *thumbs up*
[11:20:03] Corvus corax: ^^

we hadn't talked for months... and he noticed

and with that "maybe" I actually meant YES!!!... fucking yes.. I am in love.. so very utterly in love.... I don't really know what to do with myself anymore....
and now I wonder.. if you are reading this.. how much to do you know
"hey Bacchus... she hates me.. hey Bacchus.. she hates me!"

I had to put this in :3