is it something special?

still and quiet is this time.. no toughs of any sort has passed trough my mind lately. maybe it's because of the time.. you know the christmas.. I've lost my sense of any holiday spirit a long time ago and now during things like birthdays or the christmas as in this case I don't feel different than in any other day.. to be honest I feel even more low as I see everyone being so light and joyful but here I sit.. just nothing... as always... but that's my way and the path I've chosen to walk. it's the last day of the year for already 23min suppose I should think something about how the next year will be and sucha.. hope to change be better or any of thous shits. but no... it's nothing for most kind of socienty it should be something special but for me.. it's just nothing really but you know.. I am not much into special things.. or society.. or anything really

it has rained for two days almost non-stop now.... don't you love this place weather? I know I do ^^

Katatonia - Help Me Disappear

to completely dissolve,
what method is used
i cannot sleep,
my hands are bruised
there's a hole in the wall,
torn up anew
one dead eye,
the colour of you

to vanish for life
and promise to stay
away from the knowing,
bird in a cage
i'd give so much
for the courage to go
if i ask for your help,
then you will know

so help me disappear
or to believe in a change
no way out of here
that i can see
or the nightmares that burn
into my head at night
make them disappear
so i can breathe

looked out the window twice,
just to be sure
that noone was standing
outside the door
but it's just as calm
as it was before
they're all gone now,
not there anymore

isolated myself
for the sake of freedom
i clenched my fist
for the sake of kindness
i read a book full of strange
words
loneliness is a disease



some songs are just written for you or at least it feels like it

that's what I call party music

a friend of mine few days ago send me a message with some music recommendations and guess what she was recommending to me? nothing but the good ol' Korpiklaani.. she said that she had diged them up somewhere and as she listened to them I came in her mind [ohh isn't that sweet? -giggle-] so yeah I responded that there is no way that I might not know them xD I just hadn't listened to them for some quite time so I did again and you know what? as I was listening to them a question came upon me... why the blody fuck we need al that dance one beat songs for or partyes whail we could just put up some Korpiklaani and enjoy some good ol' polka beats.. actualy they makes me so much more feel like dancing than al thous silly never ending bass beats... so Fuck the industrial music Fuck the modern music and FUCK the lausy one beat music... polka is the way all trought and shall stay... down with the Dj up with Korpiklaani \m/ -does a little dance here- \m/

this was the song she sent to me [right now I am listening to 'Tervaskanto' which is Korpiklaani live]

I still dream about bleeding

Created by Oatmeal

Created by Oatmeal

Created by Oatmeal

Created by Oatmeal

wiiiii it's a twee

k...k..k.. it's 4 to 23 and I am getting a bit hyper.. got my music folder on shuffle [total of 11304 songs] and it just spit out Tullycraft... they are soooo cool -giggle- now I am standing on my chair and dancing in the dark with my big headphones on... feels kinda cool ^^



yes I am bipolar in every single thing music inlcluding

Annnd I just reached 400 plays for Katatonia in last.fm
with the song Dispossession from their album Last Fair Deal Gone Down
cheers for that \m/ ^^ \m/

Viva Emptiness

for some unknown reason up until now I haven't made an entry about my all time favorite album but today I am going to fix this... and the album is Katatonia's 'Viva Emptiness' let me start with the title which itself is absolutely wonderful and I can only agree with it so lets cheer VIVA EMPTINESS!!! second comes the album cover which is also nothing but amazingly gorgeous just look on it.. it's grey what already gives live ever so much points.. and then there is this child with a bag full luch symbols like a horse shoe and a swan feathers and some bones... inside artwork is blody mindblowing too but the look of it I'll keep as a secret between thous who own the album....
so generaly it's about a guy who's in mafia just working his way too the top but something goes wrong and then he deciedes to leave the business but you know how it is with mafia you can never run away form them and they will find you... you can not hide from them but still he trys and plans how to get away... a long with that he also has a love to which he is faitfull and in the last track which for reasons unknown to me has been cut form the album but is ment to be as the last one he asks "wait for me outside will you hold on? can you hold on?"
I can listen to this album from stat till the end and then back again... I just recommend you give it a try

Infusco Somnium part I

everything is dark but I can feel the shiny light coming from somewhere far.. I opened my eyes.. rays of light were now and then striking my face when they were not trapped by the branches. smooth coldness came from the earth and embraced my flesh. a light wind played with the last few dying leaves in a tree. "can I ask you for this final dance?" he whispered in their ears and as they gave up their hopes to hold a little longer he like a ever so caring gentlemen led them down till they reached the ground. twirling and spinning they went as thous leaves died. I could smell the sense of rotting leaves as tons of them were covering the earth and their corpses and the earth itself slowly became one. all seemed grey.. the tree, the leaves, the ground even the air itself seemed full of grey light. I looked at my hands. they were pale.. as they always have been at least as far as I can remember myself. then I tried to capture some memories about the time that has passed but for my own surprise I couldn't remember anything before that darkness with light in a distance. I was getting cold as the breathing earth more and more perflate it's cold breath to my flesh. everything seemed so silent. I got up. some dead leaves were stuck to my back like trying to get away from the freezing ground. I suppose they still had some will to live on. I gazed to that tree infront of me. light were desperetaly trying to reach my face but the braches wont let it happen. all my body seemed unawakened yet. I wonder.. how long have I lied there. I tryed to think but my head just refused to cooperate so I sat down again leaned my head against the grey trunk and closed my eyes...

plan for tonight

it's 5day.. I got home totally exausted as always in 5days.. fell asleep and got up after midnight... now it's 2:40 am I am listening to viking metal and feeling a huge urge to play Morrowind... I think I'll do that now ^^

by the way.. Morrowind is my all time favorite game.. it's an RPG with great atmosphere, looks and just everything in general... I love it forever more

gosh.. thous little thingys seems like nothing but sometimes they are true as a fuck

Your Psyche is Yellow

You have a ton of energy - both physical and mental endurance. You are rational and logical, and you can help almost anyone think clearly. Optimistic and bright, you also have a secret side that's a little darker. When you are too yellow: You will do anything to get your way, and no one will be the wiser When you don't have enough yellow: you lack confidence, drive, and humor

What Color Is Your Psyche?

Blogthings: If Quizzes Are Outlawed, Only Outlaws Will Take Quizzes

Smile is the shortest distance between two persons

A statement like this was put in my front today and it asked for my opinion for as you see the english lesson was the place and to tell my thoughts was the task..at the spot more than one idea came across my mind so now I am here writing it down...

First of all I would like to say that I absolutely disagree with this particular statement for as you see smile can be nor the shortest physical nor mental distance between two individuals for as you see the shortest physical distance is also the smallest space between two objects in this case human beings and smile can definitely not be the shortest/smallest space between two I hope you agree with me on here.. as for the mental closeness and my disagreement in this section too.. for as you see it is quite easy to fake a smile as you might know but if you don't I can surely tell you that by my own personal experience.... but what you can not fake or you can do it only with great art of acting which rare of who has... is the look on you eyes... you can smile with your lips but the truth shall be exposed upon your eyes.... [something disturbed me here and I lost my point]

Existence

event only exist in the form of memories.. if no one remembers the even conclusion can be easily made - even hasn't happened at all.. as well as the events one self also only exist in other person memory that is.. if no one has any information storeged in their memory about some specific character we can say as well that this character doesn't exist at all as there is no signatures about it's existence... if no one remembers you, you do not exist.. from this can be found the answer to question "am I?" and the answer to that is "only if someone remembers it" but there is another question that likes to bug or minds.. "who am I?" and the answer to this question comes in more than one part.. first of all there is no one definate and still character that presents one self.. second from previous resolutions made we can see that one is at all only if someone remebers it and from this comes the third and general point... ones personality can only be found in people that remembers this person memory or more clearer the way others remembers this particular person... there is no one and only "you" you are what and more general how others see you

it's raining outside
I wish I could have beer for breakfasts
I haven't left my house for four days
instead I had another cup of tee
hope tomorrow will differ
and then I will have beer for breakfasts

the day started out pale
everything seemed grey
even more than usually
mist fills the air
there is no sun today
tiny water drops on the branches
crow sits in a birch
grey is the ground
grey are thous buildings
rays of light reaches my eyes
sunbeams plays in the branches
and old man crosses the cement space
Opeth - Harvest plays in the background

midnight Quizzes session

You Are a Chocolate Cheesecake

Rich and greedy, you're attracted to the dark side of life. Nothing ever quite satisfies your inner beast. And somehow, people find that sexy.

What Kind of Cheesecake Are You?

Your Mind is Blue

Of all the mind types, yours is the most mellow. You tend to be in a meditative state most of the time. You don't try to think away your troubles. Your thoughts are realistic, fresh, and honest. You truly see things as how they are. You tend to spend a lot of time thinking about your friends, your surroundings, and your life.

What Color Is Your Mind?

You Are Profoundly Disturbing

You're weird, freaky, and maybe even a little psycho. You aren't just attracted to darkness - you thrive in it. Your interests are downright creepy, and you may even lack normal human empathy. While there's no harm in enjoying the macabre, remember to keep your vilest thoughts to yourself!

Are You Disturbingly Profound or Profoundly Disturbing?

You Are "tab"

Some people might try to say that you're always spaced out. You do tend to be a dreamer, but you're also a great multitasker. You work quickly and efficiently. So it's no problem if you goof off a little while you're working. And if people want to think you're flakey, that's fine. You're getting more done than they are.

What Keyboard Key Are You?

You Are 50% Weird

Normal enough to know that you're weird... But too damn weird to do anything about it!

How Weird Are You?

Blogthings: Take a Quiz. Annoy Your Friends.

we are here to make everything metal

Johann Sebastian Bach – Brandenburg Concerto No. 5 In D Major BWV 1050 Allegro

right now I am kinda back into classical music and for few days I've been a bit obsessed by Bachs 5th Brandenburg Concerto and especially it's 1st [Allegro] part... I don't know why but I just seemed to be strangely attracted to it and just now I got why..... it fucking sounds METAL \m/
I've heard some opinions about Bachs connection with metal as some of his works were lets say.. heavier than the ones in his time and he also was the first one who used double countrabass in his music [a huge countrabass that needs two persons to be played] he used it for the reason of... well now guess what? deep and strong heaviness.... up until now I just accepted it as toughts of someone that might be true....... just now I realized that it really does sound metal.. maybe because of the virtuosity in play of the clavecin [which for some reason reminde me of Alexi Laiho] but I can not tell for sure..... just one thing I do know.... it does sound METAL

like in an ant town

today I went to this big mass event that took place in our dear capital.. mostly it's old town.. I saw some interesting things but came home with a one big lesson of the day - I hate crowds... I have knew this fact about myself for some time already but never before I have felt so sick of the mass as I did today.. no matter where I went there were always tons of people there and all that I can say is.. I felt really really sick and more than just uneasy... lets say - disturbed.... it's also interesting how lonely crowd makes you feel like there is someone everywhere you gaze but though you are in the middle of it all you feel more alone then if you would be just by yourself there... maybe the fact that you know none of thous persons strongers the feeling of loneliness.. there are so many of them around but you know none of them and none knows you actually that could be it.. the core of loneliness... no one knows you.......
lucky for me I had a friend of mine with me there so it wasn't that bad but still I felt really really sick and uneasy....... I truly dislike masses of any kind

pain is easy to get used to.. and then you get addicted of it

Pinapple and lemon

What is the difference between dream and reality? like they both only exist in our heads so... this day was really weird... crazy moodswings fallowed by unexpected meetings made me wonder how unrealistic or dreamy the real world can get and how real the dream can become.... just watched the movie "Julie and Julia" it was nice indeed... just plain light and pleasant to watch even for a quite dark being like myself... it's 8min before 1am but it's 5day so I don't really care that much about the time... now I am just plainly yacking about nothing without any point at all... why should I write if I am not even saying anything? but most of the world does it now and get paid quite well for it [just look on the top books or top music lyrics... don't touch the videos they are good -giggle-] and this is my blog so......... sigh...... take out the trash and don't forget the undead babyes under my bed...... I can not write......... and the light on my modem is blinking.. connected with the world I am thinking.. how much of a human being.. can step into the red marked silling.. and not lose eye contakt with the lieing..... but when you do it's a free fall from the 13th floor

p.s. don't ask me about the title I simply have no answer

Shadow mistress

Don't listen just look

maybe the top pop music makes no sense at all... the most of the songs are just repeating of the same boring beat and same toughtless lines for 3 or more mins BUT... there is one good thing I see in the top charts or at least one good thing that comes from them and the thing is - Video Clips. maybe thous songs are just full of shit but look on the clips they have... they are fucking amazing.. the top starts is load with tons of cash so the bujget for single clip is enormos and clips directors with that money are making briliant works of art... only in 4 minutes you can see so much and mostly it's just something totaly schyzofremic but that is just what I love about it... one of my dreams [that have really less chance of coming reality] is to become a director of video clips... I could make me crazyest ideas come true and tough the song maybe is worthelss I could make it's visual appearence great..... so please.. don't listen to the songs but find your streanght to enjoy the marvelous visual art thous clips can provide

with doomy greetings humbly yours - Shadow mistress

why do modern man dies younger?

or at least lives for a shorter time? back in old days the life seemed like eternity. a year seemed like a decade for us oh how glorious times they were. you born, live and most probably died in on and the same place... you saw your granny getting old and them passing as well as your mother and father and you knew that some day you shall pass too and there is nothing unnatural in it. you were not afraid of the death as you knew your place and your time and as you were not afraid of it you also get to enjoy the life much more than the modern man does... these days it's all just a one great rush... first comes birth then couple years of magical bliss but then it all starts.. kinder garden -> school [primary->secondary] -> university -> work.... it just feels like with each up coming year the time starts to move faster and faster.. it's not going with one speed... the acceleration seems growing in geometrical progression... ohh how terrible it sounds when you just listen to yourself..... I lost my though here... hope any of this made at least a little sense -sigh- lately everything is passing by so fast the world just seems blurry in general and the dimness never leaves my head

with tired eyes and dizzy head yours - Shadow mistress

ohh... never mind

it's finally here ^^

I just understood that it's November for already 15min now... gosh it's finally here -clap- the darkest of all months.. the last faze of natures agony before falling asleep for the winter..
isn't that lovely? ^^

sleep is important to growing organism

have you ever wondered how you fell asleep last night? such thought comes across my mind now and then... I used to fall asleep the minute I get in bed.. it has changed over the last year and now I am still [as I have started to wonder before] wondering about the possibility that I might be in need for sleeping pills.. but the story is not about that... before sleep you try to find the best pose to rest in during the night.. for me it takes more than 20mins to find the right pose but I can never remember in which pose I fell asleep... I am then in the next night always trying to remember the pose in which I fell asleep but it never works... suppose the brains are like a computer by which I mean if you faint in a second you remember how it happened but if you go trough the all system shuting down process [you know... logging off, saving your settings ect.] you can not remember things that took an action during that process... sometimes I even get in the stand by mode and I can feel how my mind is switching to it....
suppsoe human mind is just a big mashine itself

p.s. I am starting to wake up strange too.. not the usual "open you eyes, understand where you are" way but like I would get my head above the water after drowning or something... it's starting to bother me a little

have you heard the new hit? it's even more shallow then the last one

modern music... what do we imagine hearing these words? mostly the top music.. the MTV or top 40 music and what is that? some 3 min pop piece with mostly 4 lines of text and maximums 5 sec of rhythm that's going on a loop... adding some synthetic sounds and here you go.. a new top hit. and beside all that the text [which at least for me plays a great role in a song] is not some serious deep tough for what I could forgive being just 4 lines long... no.. it's some text about being drunk and horny... and I ask myself.. why is that so? why modern world is so obsessed with such music? why they rather listens to some chick singing to one beat about her last night not some life long expirienced band telling about ways of life and intelligence and all this text is escorted by polyphonic melodies... but I think I know the answer to this question...... comfort and easynes... that is what modern man cares about.. everything has to be as easy doneable as possible just look on the modern technologies everything goes to make or lifes as simply as possible... so is with the mind... music is one of thous things that your mind has to work with and as any other activity trains some part of your body music trains your head.. your brains and your ability to understand... but modern man is lazy in it's core.. it wants everything to be as easy done as possible.. and that includes the things that minds has to done... the things one should understand... modern music only represents what modern man is longing for.. and no matter how much it would sadden me I have to admit that modern society is going twords simplyfying.. and not elegant minimalism no but just plain easyness... it doensn't want to make ones mind work to hard whyle trying to get into meaning full music.. it wants it all done easy.... easy done... easy understandable...... that is the illness of modern world... and it sickens me to the core.. I can truly say.... I am discused with the modern world

with late greetings and dim head, yours Shadow mistress

p.s. I would like to thank my dear sir PsychoAngel726 for the question and I hope I have replyed to it properly

silence and stilness

For a long time I haven't wrote anything in here and I am ashamed for that. But what can I say.. a period silence was needed indeed just to get over and past some things and what can I say... silence heals.. it has always done and always will... also the everyday rush gives me no break of it's tight grab... but I am still here still alive ^^ and now the time has come when I want to become bigger, darker and simply wise.. "It is time to spread my wings, to fill this empty hole"... I want to feel life rushing trough my rusted vanes oh how great the desire is
Fall is in it's highest oh my autumn oh how I love thee
autumn break is next week so I'll probably work a little in here then but for now
Let the all mighty darkness lead your way trough the day,

humbly yours - Shadow mistress

buzzing in an empty room to a deaf ear

silence..
this world is so fucking pissed off

silence.....

they will die and in the end we all will...

mindless... why masses are so toughtless..... blind...
hiding by their beloved smile

it's all fucked up...
they use us for their puppets.... pritty puppets.... strings on their arms

all world covered in noise...
sometimes I think that I'm going slower... but no.. everyone else are just going faster.. too fast

....silence...
that's what's left when everything else is gone...
here my prayer and embrace me oh thy..
I long and wait for the day when finally it all will be silent

they have blessed us

I don't know if you know but I am gigantic Mortal Love fan [gosh I love them so very very much] their currently are working on a new album.. first they said it will be ready in the early winter.. but because of some other things now it could come out only somewhere in next year what for me is absolutely unberable... but 4 days ago a blessing came across and they on their official home page uploaded an acoustic version for their song Crave Your Love which comes from their first album All The Beauty... but was recorded during making of their last album Forever Will Be Gone... only today I went to their page to see this... and now I am craying.. not because something would hurt but... because I love them so very very much....

Crave Your Love (acoustic version) by mortallove

This century makes me sick...

each day only more and more makes me realize that this is nor my time nor my place

and then she raised and I passed

doom and gloom doom and gloom.. isn't that funny how thous two words rhimes bringing a melancholic atmosphere within? doom and gloom.. like a fog in early spring morning when sun is just about to show itself and thick whiteness is covering the ground.. it's cold and wet... doom and gloom.. morning are the most doomfull part of a day.. night is clear and makes you free but moring comes with yet another day to come in front... just like a raven it's messinger of evil... oh thous evil morning which you wish would last forever... anything to force the day of coming...
in my last moring I was greatfull.. as I will never see the sun again.. that blood thirsty torcherer

Widows Weeds on tape... in my hands

I will get Tristanias first album Widows Weeds on tape.... can you imagine? right now I am literary running around the house and screaming omg omg OMG!!! it's a rare relique and for sucha Tristania fan like me it gigantic precious.. as Widows Weeds is one of the first true gothic metal records... I didn't even know it's on tape... omg omg omg.. I am so very excited [starts to scream again] yel beat slower my overwhelmed heart... I can not imagine that I'll hold in my hands one of the first gothic metal records ever.. and on tape.... I think I am going to pass out.... well k maybe it is not the first record or anything... but that is Tristnia... the most pure and definetly the best gothic metal band ever and ever and ever up until Vibeke gone away... but they early works still is pure.... so damn pure.... omg...

Steampunk

I think I could be a steampunk as I love old atomatons and all the crazy scientists idea... only problem is they adoration to bronze type of colours [brown, yellow, orange..] I myself don't find them too close to myself as I am a dark-minded person indeed black and grey stands more closer to me than some bronze, earth type of colours... I could be a dark steampunk then I suppose... I have no problem in being stucked into late 18th or early 19th century as it already is the period of time I find myself into over and over again... and victoryian music I also love to... favorite instrument - cello.... and all the sketches of atomatons gosh... I have always adored them and I really need to make myself at least to try to make something to that side myself [I have always wanted to...] and I wan't an top hat so bad... I used to think that I am an victoryan goth in my soul but I can not look on atomatons withouth adoration... so I suppose I could be a dark steampunk and if there is no such thing then well I'll be the first one ^^ right now I am listening to Melora Creager which has been taged as a steampunk and also a cello rock.... magnificent I love it ever so much ^^ if you have played Syberia you should have an idea what atomatons and also steampunks are about if you have not I'll put some pictures in the end of this entry just for your as well as mine pleasure... so what else there is to say..... as I have only yet now found such thing I would be more than pleased to have a partner or too who could join me in this steampunk exploration... I am a bit excited -giggle-

please carbonate that for me

I just in the news heard that americans are going to make and sell carbonated milk... can you imagine that? have they really sank that deep that they can not drink something that is not carbonated... have can you even imagine to take and add bubbles to milk? when I imagine the taste of that.... lets just say I get sick... really sick...... what will be next? carbonated shits so it's easyer to poop for thous brainless mutants?

it's 15 min past midnight and I am watching 12 monkeys for at least an half hour already and what can I say? it's one hell of a magnificent movie... in local torrent tracker some ever so kind person put 3 packs of mindfuck movies [isn't that gorgeous? ^^] and now I am taking one at the time... last night I watched "Being John Malkovich" also an interesting movie but back to the "12 monkeys" gosh I love how B Pitt plays a lunatic there.. it seems so very right and how it should be.. well at least for me maybe cause if I ever become a total lunatic [and I am starting to belive that it is just a question of when not if..] I would act just the same.. I sometimes ac half of it already -giggle- gosh that's one ameizing movie already glad that I picked it over all thous other ones... well I'll go back to watching now ^^

with nighty greetings, Shadow mistress



isn't this one great poster... when I'll get my own apaertment I must have it on the wall



I heard this track on The Simpsons once and tough... gosh I love it I wonder where it comes from.. well now I know that and I have already got it... must put on my mp3

funeral song

once my friend asked me have I ever tough about any specific song or songs that I would like them to play in my funeral. I've seen such question before in some forums but have never really tough about it much suppose I just hadn't found the one... but now I think I have... maybe... well I love the song and it got the atmopshere and all.... it's Katatonia - Omerta [Omerta by the way is a code of silence in mafia] I could now talk much around and about the song meaning and all but... I think I'll let your mind to work on it yourself...

live from storm

the storm is hear... gigantic ice balls are falling from sky [it's summer but it's iceballs falling not rain... this is how fucked up the climant is] I looove storms... gosh that thunder almost blew up my ears... I got my headphones on so it's all fine.... now it's raining even more and lightning is ever so bright.... I love it I want to just run out and greet the all mighty forces of nature personaly... with me.. in the middle of it all.. I am going out on a balcony..... I am all wet it's not raining it's just river falling down on here.... all hail forces of nature \m/ human is powerless the nature holds the power and we all should obey it or else... we'll die.... and I woudln't mind seeing some fucked up humans die because they do not obey nature.... fuck them all lets kill them all... ALL HAIL FORCES OF NATURE!!! \m/

Weeds mother fucker

I love Weeds... that's the best fucking show ever... just watched the final episode of season two and.... Hell Yeah \m/_\m/ gosh I love it love it ^^ -claps- it's about a single mother with two boys who's also a drug dealer [she sells weed at the beginning but later she starts to grow her own weeds... but only weeds no deal with something chemical all natural -wink-] it's like all sunny and shit but... that chick sells weed... you have to see it it's so great.... k I am out going to download third season

oh and by the way the theme song also fucking kicks

into the lips of earth

it's starting again... I came back from camp and I tough it was over... like I slept kinda good for first couple of night but last night... I need sleeping pills... I could go to psyhiatrist [I can bet I spelled it so damn wrong but... don't really give a shit] and get some rugs from him... I think he/she would give me some pills I actualy have no doubts about it only the thing is.. I am too lazy to make a visit of any sorta....... am I afraid of dark? more and more I realyze that I really don't like to sleep during the night and again I find myself up late without realyzing waiting for the dawn to come so I can go to sleep... just..... don't like to.... lie.... and wait.... for the....... sleep to come..... too many......... in my head.... playing...... whispers...... and I am trembling..............it's hard to breath.. to breath in a crowd.... alone yet surounded by many... can not.... breath....... exosted and I am finaly exosted..... fall..... and sleep between wet pillows

a pack off..... gosh I love it

someone [who now I love and adore ever so much] just put a mindfuck movie pack in a local torrent tracker.... for your knowledge I am gigantic mindfuck movie fanat... FANAT... if you didn't know mindfuck movies are movies that plays with your head if you have seen A Beautyful Mind, Pi or Fight Club... thous are mindfuck movies if you havent well then long story short... tought actualy I think the name says it all.. mind-fuck as I am in a lack of computer memory I decided to download one movie at the time so now I am waiting for Being John Malkovitch from the poster it seemed cool and fiting into the ganre of mindfuck... there were somewhere about 20 movies in that pack but ofcurse I have already seen some of them but that still leaves more than 10 unseen mindfuck movies... gosh I am so excited -claps- ^^

go see a mindfuck movie and open your mind

eating strawberries in dark

yes I am up late... again.... as I always am and I am eating strawberries and it's very dark in here cause I am too lazy to turn light on but my desktop is very dark so almost no light comes from the screen... so I am eating thous red ones and trying not to swallow their green tops... shouldn't have said that I am eating strawberries.. it would sound cool if you would not know what am I talking about... it's dark in here and I am eating little red things and trying not to swallow their green tops.... what thous things could be? huh? [ohh by the way I am listening to Wardruna which is nefolk band from norway and they are singing in norway [gosh I looove it forever more] music makes a bit mystical atmosphere in here] and I am still eating thous red things with their green tophats.... little guys in red smokings and green tophats.. and I am eating them.. bite the hat off and spit it out or just chew it all and spit the hat out... you don't want that green one.. the flesh is what you desire the red flesh and nothing more... maybe thous guys aren't wearing smokings probably they are just neked and their skin has burned in the hot summer sun... all red thei stand in front of me with their green top hats on and I am eating them one by one... the flesh, the juice of them it keeps me awake it keeps me alive and I breath in the fresh summer nights air whail chuweing the flesh of thous who has burned red under the sun during the day... the night has come to end their paths.... now only thous green top hats remind of their existance that has passed.........


drink the night it will end your thirst that has killed you durring the day
from the shadows yours, Shadow mistress

back away and back again

I am home... wippy wii wippy yee.... I suppose.... it's nice to leave home and go somewhere but after days spend in some other place strange feeling comes across and no matter how good or bad would you been doin' it feels like your place is calling you back... there is no softer bed than yours and no comfortable toilet than yours.... that goes with almost every single person and as for myself as you might know [nut if you didn't I am telling you know] I went to a camp and spend 7 days away from home and at the 4th day I had some kinda break down and were ready to do almost anything just to get back home... I even had a plan that I during the night could pack my tent and everything and run away no matter that the camp took place in a middle of nowhere I were ready to even walk my way home [no matter that the distance is more than 30 and maybe even 40 km] the only thing that held me back is that I had a room-mate [well actualy tent-mate as we were sleeping in tents] I didn't wanted to leave here tentless so I stayed.... tough most probably I could talk her into the escapeing mission but anywho.... but now I think gosh... that would be so awesome to just abandoned that place and go home and with this I mean that the going home itself [or the way we would get there] is the awesome part of it all.... should do something like that someday... I should.... I have always wanted to one day just leave what ever am I doing and go away like I could during the lesson stand up walk out of class and go to my country house or something like that.... marvelous in my head it seems indeed but I doupt that such covardly creature like me could ever do such thing.... a shame indeed a shame..... anywho the thing is [and I think any person who travels knows this] there is no place like home

crystal gates to nowhere

"crystal gates to nowhere" I just can't possibly get that song name out of my head [it's by Lost Life by the way] it's so very..... very.... leaves you silent if you start to think about it.... imagine crystal gates like in any usual fary tale... so full of light and of the hope that borns from them as they almost screams out "come on come on... you know there is something good behind me so open and come in" but where do they lead? to nowhere... fucking nowhere... open the bright gates and all you get is blank darkness - nowheresness [-giggle- that sounds interesting...] the magic of the gates has been broken, the hope has died and the dream is over......

good night my beloved minions
always yours, Shadow Mistress

eyeliner panic

couple of days ago I lost my eyeliner... it was just gone... anywho seconds ago I realized that I have to go to the city today... started to freak out cause I don't have an eyeliner [I tough my heart will just stop from beating] in my panic I looked into the cosmetic closet and there it was.. well not mine but an nice/black eyeliner... glorious dark things ^^

last day here

mozzila just broke down for no visible reason so I have to start all over again [hate when that little things does that... grrr....]

this is my last day in a comfortable place in front of my dear dear.... PC ^^
tomorrow off to camp I go and I shall return only next 5day.. that means that I'll spend a week in some not to me yet known place [outdoors of curse] sleeping in tents.. walking miles and miles and.. I don't even want to think about it yet.. stuck in kinda "meh.." position I am like at this moment I am not even sure if I want to go.. do I want to go? have no fckin idea..... but that's not the only thing I have no idea about... lately it's just everything.. have no idea about anything.. anything at all.. more of a what goes, goes.... but you know what? nothing comes and nothing goes..... I want ice-cream

p.s. just write the title of this... -giggle- it's sounds a bit doomy.. maybe later I'll make another entry with the same title.. only other filling khe khe ^^

AVGN

almost all day I spent watching avgn [Angry Video Game Nerd] videos... basicaly avgn is just a guy who makes retro game revievs [you know all thous old consoles - sega, nintendo, atari] but the interesting thing is... that ha makes revievs about shity games... and I mean really shity games.. I find it very amuseing to watch some guy play thous old games and shit on them as fuck [he curses a lot.. A LOT] maybe couse I do enjoy retro games too.. in fact I love them
-giggle- already forgot what I wanted to say... anywho... if you do enjoy retro games or just like when someone shits on things... check this guy out you won't regret it but if you will well.... it isn't really my problem now is it?

names, names, names...

I am an music addict... always in need for new albums, new artists, new tracks [suppose artists should have gone as the first one but.. anywho] almost each word reminds me of some line from a song [if I would always speak that line which just strikes trough my head out loud whail talking to someone I would probably drive that person mad -giggle- so I am mostly keeping them inside.. or atleast try to] I know I know I am obsest but that is my pasion ^^ anywho... one [but not the only] thing I can not stop amaze is the music names - band names, album titles, song titles.... some one them are just so very amazing... so this little story will be about the names in music

let's start with some band names ^^
The Sins Of Thy Beloved - one of my all time favorite bands with ever so magnificent band name.. The Sins Of Thy Beloved... I can not stop saying that -giggle- think about it... what genius mind is that can come up with something like that... marvelous indeed
My Dying Bride - also another briliant name... it's a perfect name for a doom kings which MDB is no doubtly
Mortal Love - seems a bit usuall from first site but when you think about it a little...... ofcurse it also fits the band perfectly [Love, Loss, Despair, Death] if I have to pick one band over all bands it deffenetly be this one... gosh I adore them
Livelover - nice name isn't it? life-lover... there is only one thing... it's a suicidal black metal band... love the irony
Until Death Overtakes Me - funeral doom
Happy Days - another irony [it's also a dsbm band]
I'm In A Coffin - and that's that
Make A Change... Kill Yourself - it's... just..... ^^
The 3rd And The Mortal - I have no idea what does it mean but it sure sounds cool
Wolves In The Throne Room - makes you silent for a second

well that's about it atleast it from that what I can remeber on the sopt... bet there is a lot of damn ass magnificent band names out there just waiting for discovery.... I won; t bother you any longer and shall keep the album names and song tiles for some other time


from the dark time yours - Shadow Mistress

Life is Pain

it's and DSBM band [could tell that by he name well couldn't you?] who has only released only one album "Bloody Melancholy" [I'll put the album picture at the end as I find it quite adorable] with 3 songs in it
Oppressive Nights in Mental Asylum 7:41
Bloody Melancholy 6:21
Negativity 9:59
a small album isn't it? but what makes it so great? well first of all because the artists who has made this project is no one else that Kim [from Swedish Lifelover] and Trist [from the same name one mans band from Czech]. bout artist is well known in DSBM scene and now [well not now the album was relieased in 2006] they have made a project together... that's just marvelous ^^ and what I found even more adorable.. Trist have wrote the lyrics and made the music for this project whail he was at the mental hospital [isn't that just perfect?] so the Kim just had to come and sing thous lyrics what he ofcurse did in his ever so sweet maner.. oh Kim you magnificent guy
so yeah if you have any interest in depressive music [I sure do] try hard and find this piece it's totally worth it.... love the atmosphere.. it's not like agressiv like Anti but not so rock-a-like like Lifelover [no ofence I love them but face it.. they are a bit rockish] but just melancholic black and doomy...

so this is the group [or duet actualy] picture

Kim looks a bit weir in here but hey... he's sweet anyway ^^

and the album Bloody Melancholy



mmm..... blood

yesterday

starting to think that I should get some sleeping pills... yesterday went to bed at 2 am but when I finally felt asleep it was already light out there somewhere after 4 am it could have bin... I was just laying in my bed with open eyes just staring into wall for more than a hour with short breaks of position change.... somewhere around 3 am [the demonic hour] a bright moon showed itself and just into my window in stared and just somehow it felt like he's calling me to join the somber dance -week smile appears here- and maybe I will.... maybe I will

00:22

just staying up late again.. as I always do for some reason I just don't like to go to bed unless I am totally exosted and just can't possibly keep my eyes open you know when you can just stand up fall into bed and fall asleep... I suppose I just don't like that time after you have put yourself into bed and the time when you fall asleep... there is something that bugs me during the process of falling asleep but for now I shall keep that to myself. anywho... for some not to me yet known reason I just love to be on the PC late.. no matter when I do just to feel the atmosphere when everyone else is asleep it š dark outside and the only light sorce is the light that comes from monitor tough mostly it gives not much light cause I have a very dark wallpaper... I hate light wallpapers and I also hate colorfull wallpaers.. can't work normaly and use the icons if my wallpaper is bright or colorfull that's why I am always in search for dark wallpapers.. I have almost 10 different packs of dark wallpapers but only few of them I see as suitible for use.........

it rained whole day and in the vening I went to dam just to get my head straigh after a whole day spent in front of PC just randomly whatching movies and some shows... had to think trough some things too.. I love the dam and even more when it's so shity [shity for others marvelous for me] weather out there.. when alsomt noone is there just me, the water and the sky.. grey water, cloudy sky, light rain, cold climate and dark soul... fits together nicely well doesn't it? just staned there for some time [could be somwhere around 10 min or more] whatched how the rainfull clouds moved from one shore to another... I love that place and even more if noone is there

8-bit

somehow I run into this little thingy called 8-bit music... as in nothing to do mode just surfed trough last.fm searching for something... anything.. and my journey trough mystic tags ended with this "8-bit" well as it seemed interesting inaf I decided to check it more closely. so the 8-bit music itself is an type of electro music where artist base their work on sound familiar in 8-bit era... you know all that nintendo and such video game sounds.. reminds me of pack-man -giggle- I hope you get the idea.. so yeah in the first place in the 8-bit taged music lied this cople named Crystal Castles. next step... I went to youtube to hear and maybe even see what they are up to.. and as a nerdy being by nature I was amused ever so much from this eric sound... so I just got their album and now I have listened to them for more than hour [I guess] -giggle- yes I know I know it is nerdy till the root but that's why love it.. as I said I suppose that I am just one nerdy being myself.. love all that old video game things.. so yeah if you too find this amuzeing not lame or some other shit then check it out ^^ but if you read this and think "oms she is so nerdy.." well then I admit it yes I am so bite me -giggle- I hope this will work I'll try to put the youtube video for song I am getting addicted to.. if not then I'll just put a link and if you are not a lazy ass you can check it...

with robotic greetings, Shadow mistress




P.S. now I know why I like these guys so much.... look on the picture I found in their artists profile on last.fm it's not the main one but the fact they have one like this... me like ^^

Ulver

just found them out last night and already... I am in love. my friend [she goes to music school so she is kinda into classical music but not only because of the school it's also because classical music just is something very very amazing a good thing to get into... so anywho.. she sent me some music pieces from this artists she is lately getting into.. a lot.. the artists is Olivier Messiaen. as my friend said... she has no idea when did he born but he died the year she was born - 1992. so this guy is a modern classicist.. made his works while he was in a concentration camp and the thing is that he made them for the instruments that were available there [not much as you could guess]. his works has this nice light smell of schyzo... and as I am such person who just loves anything shyzo I also felt for this guy too... thenI just checked the tags for him in last.fm [I have another topic where I explain some things about this little thingy but yeah so the listeners tag artists and puts them into some genres by thous tags like "rock,metal,pop" but also some smaller genres like "ambient, avant-garde, sheogaze" and sucha... so I find out that this guy also is known as awant-garde artists [if you don't know what avant-garde is just google or wiki it] so as the next album on my playlist I put something I already had from avant-garde - Sleep Time Gorilla Museum... the band is nice but something didn't felt like me... so I chcked what else last.fm can provide as an avant-garde and there at the top were Ulver... so ofcurse I made a rush to RockBox [metal musics torrent tracker... but not only metal] search for it and got an album named "Svidd Neger" started to listen to it somewhere about midnight and end at 1:30 am.... now in the morning I once again find myself listening to in and what can I say... it's fucking gorgeous and I adore it ever so much [I am listening to it right now too]. sometimes it feels like a filmmusic but what can I say.. I love films and everything about them... but yeah also a very great minimalism floats trough this album. till now I can only talk about one album cause that's the only thing I got but now I am downloading other albums too. by the way Ulver started out as a black metal band [isn't that adorable ^^] and which is even if I may say more "ohh my satan no way" the band comes from Norway... and for me.. what ever comes from Norway is great itself [you know it's the born land for gothic and black metal... but I love the contry itself too] and their name "Ulver" means wolves in Norwegian... almost too many amazing discoveries for one night -giggle- but yeah... it's one of my greatest finds out in last time and ohh how could I not know about them before. so yeah in short words about Ulver - atmosphereic, minimalism, ambient and ever so adorable music. [great pic also]

I am starting to beat you up last.fm -evil smile-

last.fm is starting to run short on gothic metal bands it could recommend to me [if you don't know what last.fm is well... it's a web page -slash- program which records and summarizes the songs you are listening to and depending and your stats makes recommendations [well it does a lot of other things too bet yeah....] so the thing is I have in my lybrary ever so many gothic metal bands so this little thing is like "omg... she already listens to that and that too she knows what else could we possibly offer to her?" that's funny... -giggle- so now instead of gothic metal they mostly offers me doom metal bands with little bit of gothic music in theirselves... but I want more gothic metal -sad face here- well I suppsoe I'll just have to continue extend in the DSBM [I hade a blog entry about it some time ago so if you don't know what DSBM is... check it] scene... and I am lucky cause I just ran into this blog where some guys offers a lot of DSBM pieces for download [love that page already and I am ever so thankfull for it's existance] so yeah... too bad I am [as always] again runing short on my PC's memory -sad face again-
I suppose I am just addicted to music and as an any addicted one it is never inaf of the dose you have... you are always willing for more and more and more... so I am always in search for new music, new bands, new projects......

Draconian

gosh I love them and adore them ever so much [by the way the song you hear now... well at least should her now is The Gothic Embrace by Draconian] so Draconian is a Swedish gothic/doom metal band. and the fact why I adore them so much is cause they have find the way to mix thous two very dear to me metal genres together [gothic and doom metal] so the combination of them bout makes this ever so magnificent doomy yet gothy atmosphere. it just feels like a night in abondaned cathedral [gosh I love it so very much]. the doom of abondened place yet the gothy spirit catheral is holding and ofcurse the night which also magnificaly cambines them bout doom and gothy spirit. also the lyrics are adorable. a bit angry but not like a death metal angry just un pleasent with something. full of grief and solitude. and ofcurse the anti-christ stream that floats trough all their songs [that's probably the core of this upsest spirit]. ofcurse Lisa Johanson and hers ever so sweet voice and Anders Jacobsson with his funeral doom alike grouvls and doomfull monologues. over in all Draconian is truly the best gothic/doom metal band I have ever heard and I adore them so cause the atmosphere which floats trough all they creations. true masterpiece maker band. and when ever some of their track comes down my path I am in must to hear it till it's final note and mostly even after that I have to hear more. like a fly in the night finds the only shineing bulp and rushes forvard to it then starting to bumpb around and around I when ever hear a note from Draconian rush to where ever I can get to hear more.
I bow my unworthy head in front of this ever so magnificent crew.

"I am truly left alone,
but somehow... just somehow
it feels like my loneliness is a victory
over the self-delusion of joy... and happiness."

am I a Dj?

for some time now already I am taking a place in a project. an internet project and the project is - radio. it all started in some small local torrent tracker... of curse what is a wana-by tracker without a radio. at first time I had no though about the possibility of me being a Dj. I just became an active uploader in there. but when administration saw my activity one of them asked me to participate in all this radio thing. well I as a kind person could not dare to refuse so I accepted their invatation and became a Dj. and I have been one up until this moment and probably will continue to be some time in the future too [I just don't see a reason why I should stop and quit]. only there is one thing. as you maigh know [and if you don't I am telling this to you now] most of the poeple who work with and in such thing as web and specificly trackers for some not unknown reason listens to electro music [maybe cause they work with electronic... I don't know] but I [as you probably have noticed till now] like to listen to some other type of music - metal. it is not like I couln't listen to some dance stuff I just prefere metal much much more. so yeah and now I belong to Dj group [spmewhere around 10 people in there by now] and I am the only one who plays heavy music. I don't mind in being the only one just the thing is that.... no one listens to me as our listeners are used to the fack that other Dj plays electro beats and then suddenly I take the rule over radio and they all just run away. I just wish some metalheads whould get to know about this radio and me in it and I could have atleast someone who enjoys my music. but none or tonn of listeners I still shall play and play it heavy -evil smile-
so if you have some spare time use it and check us out ;-] http://musicia.lv/index.php

DSBM

DSMB [Depressive Suicidal Black Metal] I think the name says it all... it's a black metal genre in which I am kinda into.. wanted to say that I am lately getting into it but then realized that I am familiar with this sub-genre for some time already. and I have to admit that I like this sub-genre very much ^^ or relationtips started hmm... my memory is weakened so I mostly can not remeber beginnings of lot of things.. this one inclueding but I think my first DSBM expirience could be with Thy Light album Suici.De.Pression I am not 100% sure but I have serious doubts that it could be so. the album was in demo quality but still with first song "Crawling worm in a world of lies" the decision was made - I need more of this... so now I am familiar with many more DSBM artists and enjoy them all... so what makes DSBM different? well first of all it is more atmospheric than plain black metal but in it's atmosphere it hasn't lost that harsh sound which black metal holds so it can't be described as atmospheric black metal... it just sounds more depressing than black metal does actualy instead of black metal it does sound depressive... hard to expline but hope you got the point... and second of all ofrcurse there are lyrics... tough thanks to black metal vocals they can rarely be understood still you can read them and enjoy the suicidal mode they are carrying within [atleast I do so] ofcurse not all DSBM sings about suicide motion.. but it does hold signs of depression into themselfs. once I just cassualy listened to some DSBM stuff and realized why does it's called so.... because only one in depressive motion can listen to something like that kinda funny isn't it? anywho.... if darkness ever comes to vistit you don't forget to check out some DSBM you probably will find it listening worth... followings are the artists I could suggest from my side: Thy Light, Lofelover [isn't that a cute little name for a DSBM band?], Anti, Black Autumn [his album Rivers Of Dead Leaves is one of the best albums I have ever heard], Nyktalgia, ColdWorld.

Let the all mighty darkness lead your way trough the day, Shadow Mistress

and then they died

dark oceans we cry

dream of a dead sun

moodswings

suddenly like sun appears between leafs which tremble in gusty wind a nostalgic feeling came across me. all day was spent in a happy [more or less] motion but then.. feels like someone had just pulled a handle or something... from happy little elf to a doomer in a second.. isn't that funny -a weak smile appears on her face- strange thing these moodswings are and strange is or mind which puts us in the motion of his own selfish will.. or maybe I just exhausted my can of naive happynes... like in the morning you have several cans full of moods... like happy, sad, mad, numb and sucha... but there is limit of how much you can use eah of them.. you can not be happy or mad or sad all day long [unless you're a specific person with huge can of hat specific mood.. like I think I myself have a huge numbness can..] like thous poeple who seems to be happy all trough probably comes home and starts to puch a pillow or something -giggle- but yeah... my point is [which probably is not a point at all but hey read the name of my blog... <.<] each of us has some sorta amount of each mood [each has specific amount of one or another mood ofcurse] which we can spend as we like untill we have reached to bottom of that can [filled witch mood] and then we have no other chanse than move to another mood.... I suppose I just emptyed my can of happynes for to day well.. here comes the can of numb and there goes my naive smile... hey thanks for a visit stop by on any time...

and she gazed

for some time now there is one word who has became very popular in between people.. all kinda people but what bugs me the most - between mainstreamers [gosh I dislike them] and the word is EPIC.... the thing I hate the most is that random [mainstream] people use it for everything that actually has nothing to do with the meaning of epic... now things like pussy cat dolls song can be epic or movie that seems more like a crap taken out of barbie girls ass [gosh excuse me dear for my inappropriat language] that something with possability of at least one epic episode in it. for me this magificent word in first place stands for J.R.R. Tolkiens stories ["Lord of the rings" in frist place] that is something truly epic. if you have read it or saw the movie thou shall understand what I am trying to say... anywho if Tolkiens stories are the written deffenition of "epic" then this photo -points up- is the visual image for the word itself... just look on it! LOOK ON IT!!! gosh that is epic... should show this to some fucked up mainstreamer and say "look fag.. this is epic.. this and nothing else" but if you are a fucked up mainstreamer then I am saying this to you.... gosh I adore that picture... by the way it's a bands picture and the name of the band is Summoning. they come from Austria and plays atmospheric black metal. theyr music also can be described as epic. if you adore this picture as much as I do and know not yet Summoning check them out... hmm I probably will make an music entry about this band so yeah..... thou shall not use the word "epic" on noone apic things but thou shall carry it with honor and use it when it is indeed something EPIC..... Hail!

whail my mind wanders around

and then she heard a fast knocking at the wooden doors [big, massive oak doors with dragon heads instead of handle] while getting up from her resting place she noticed a pair of red eyes in the other side of a window... seemed like they kept staring at her even after she turned her back against the window [so she may open the massive wooden doors and let the knocker in]..... the red pair faded in the black mist and later were nowhere to be found. only when the door got opened the visitor saw that she herself was the owner of thous flaming and gazing eyes and the pair out side the window in that pit black darkness was nothing but a reflection, reflection to herselfs devilish being

is the night blackest when there is no one besides you?

It's hard to say for someone who has always bin there by himself... [herself actually]... but is the night dark at all? it depends on what seems to be dark for a person... for me it is day... sun it disturbs me.. people they only bother me but the night when the moon is out and no ones' around I could say that it is the bright side of a day for me... but does it seem blacker if no ones next to you? does the things seems different when you are alone and when someone is besides you? probably they do cause you know only when you are alone you belong to yourself and so you are yourself.. the true self.... when there is at least a one other person with you.. you have to share the room with him/her and not only physical room also the one your mind lives in... and that changes the way you look at things cause now it is not just your point of view.. it's part of that other persons point too

whail most of them sleeps

why do most of the people are afraid of dark or at least feels uncomfortable in it? is it because you can no see what is in front of you? but isn't that a marvelous feeling... no one thou can see and no one can see thee.. yes maybe there is someone behind the curtain of night but that just makes it all more interesting. to go into the unknown.. do not fear the night. it is true said that the biggest fears one can have is fear from the unknown. for me the night is cover, the night is home and I do not have fear of the dark and who ever is hiding in it. I greet them with an delighted smile no matter can I see them or not. do not fear the night my child, do not fear the unknown.. as it is only thy head who makes it all so fearfull. do not let thy head rule over thou. as it only wants to make thou weaker. but why is that so? why do our heads makes us fearfull?

it's 11 pm an hour till midnight

59 minutes till midnight... why do people say that magic things happen in midnight? maybe cause that's the time when one day replace an other. but the time itself really is just a numbers on our clock. so what's with the magic 00:00 it looks kinda empty doesn't it? like noting hasn't begin yet, but actually it truly hasn't.. new day is here with nothing in it. just a blank day for a whole minute. isn't that a wonderful feeling? to be on a blank page with nothing besides you? like itš only you there.. nothing more. then and only then you can see yourself. when there is nothing besides you. i wish that minute from 00:00 till 00:01 would last forever. cause when it hits 00:01.. something has happened, nothingness has been repliced with one digit. tough it is nothing more than a digit still it is something more than nothing. the same is with the blank page and you on it. when something gets near... the place has changed and you are not the same anymore. human is just a follower of chaos theory. the slightest change in circumstances leads to massive changes in the mechanism [human actions] itself....