and yes I feel lonely

confused and disturbed

grey waters of guilt

and I sink

down

low

..as if this have never happened before

and yes I feel gloomy

but let it go, let it pass

skin starts to rot

grows rough and cold

but it's only inch deep

don't worry my dear

core stays the same

this thing will never get to you

and yes I seem angry

moody and sad

black waters of lonesome

and I sink

down

low

..

my gas tank is half empty my gas tank is half full

from one of the "stophatingyourbody" tumblr submissions
"i went to therapy and learned to see food as fuel, not as a reward or as punishment."
that's it! that's how one should look at it cause that's what food is. it's a fuel. it's not a punishment. cutting on some fun but not necessary stuff is punishment. it's not a reward. it shouldn't be. doing something or getting something for yourself is a reward. the general feeling of good is a reward.
when I think about it I truly see food mainly just as fuel. something that will keep me from passing out and will provide me with the energy I need. and that's it. yeah I know now people who know will start to yell that I eat way too little and so but. I eat when I'm low on energy or just feel my guts being empty. not to get thinner [I can hardly see how that could happen]. so yeah I just wanted to bold that in the end it's just a fuel.

maybe I'm dead and this is the heaven, maybe I'm sleeping and my body's in hell

why am I so into all that.. stuff.... oh you know what I'm talking about. why does it pulls me back again and again. is that really who I am? is that really the way I truly am? I can be happy and I am happy but.. seeing...hearing.. the doom and the gloom.. oh the doom my lovely doom.. maybe cause it's so familiar. like that only real friend you've ever had. someone who's stood beside you all that time all thous nights. oh thous terrible terrible nights. I can still remember myself.. laying there. frozen. with a beast, a demon upon my chests.. he strangled me. every single night. until I fell in a dreamless sleep. insomnia.. the whispers. endless whispers buzzing in my ears. I can still remember though now it all seems like a nightmare. and it was one. a living, breathing nightmare. and all that time the dark. so near, so close. the only thing that was always there. always there for me. I was all alone I was not alone. I can still remember. that sudden pain in the chest just out of the blue. as if a hand was holding my heart and slowly clanged itself tighter. it all seems so far now but it all was so real then. the only reality I had known. now and then it still calls me back. "come. come home," it says. there is something terribly wrong with me. why isn't anyone scared of me? they should be. they should be frightened by just seeing me. and you. you my love. how comes your not sickened by me? how comes you don't choke while holding me. maybe cause your bigger. you are so much bigger than me. the beast runs and hides as far as it can whenever you are near. aren't you scared of it? I am so very frightened by it. it has ruled over me for so long. how comes you can so easily make it vanish?

Discouraged Ones

I am so sorry.. so very sorry.. I feel like a monster.. I am so sorry.. so very very sorry my dear... my love.. if I only could... I should have had... I am so sorry... I will never understand.. I am so very sorry... I feel like an outcast... I am so very sorry... I feel like I've robbed you... as if I brutally robbed you in a bare daylight... I am so very sorry... I can't even imagine how hard it is for you.. I really wish I could... I'm just an outcast... I don't belong I do not understand... I am so sorry... I'm useless I know.. just a bloody burglar...

Epic album list

Decided I should put them down. So these are the albums which have grown to my heart. I would die for them cause they where there when no one else was.

lurking, spreading, covering, prottecting

all is dark
your smile, my eyes
radiating out
blackness of aeons before
stored there for times
thick, black clumps of mass
hits my face, your face
our face
all is dark

oh the night
my beautiful night
the one of eternal darkness
we are safe here my dear