maybe I'm dead and this is the heaven, maybe I'm sleeping and my body's in hell

why am I so into all that.. stuff.... oh you know what I'm talking about. why does it pulls me back again and again. is that really who I am? is that really the way I truly am? I can be happy and I am happy but.. seeing...hearing.. the doom and the gloom.. oh the doom my lovely doom.. maybe cause it's so familiar. like that only real friend you've ever had. someone who's stood beside you all that time all thous nights. oh thous terrible terrible nights. I can still remember myself.. laying there. frozen. with a beast, a demon upon my chests.. he strangled me. every single night. until I fell in a dreamless sleep. insomnia.. the whispers. endless whispers buzzing in my ears. I can still remember though now it all seems like a nightmare. and it was one. a living, breathing nightmare. and all that time the dark. so near, so close. the only thing that was always there. always there for me. I was all alone I was not alone. I can still remember. that sudden pain in the chest just out of the blue. as if a hand was holding my heart and slowly clanged itself tighter. it all seems so far now but it all was so real then. the only reality I had known. now and then it still calls me back. "come. come home," it says. there is something terribly wrong with me. why isn't anyone scared of me? they should be. they should be frightened by just seeing me. and you. you my love. how comes your not sickened by me? how comes you don't choke while holding me. maybe cause your bigger. you are so much bigger than me. the beast runs and hides as far as it can whenever you are near. aren't you scared of it? I am so very frightened by it. it has ruled over me for so long. how comes you can so easily make it vanish?