Possibly Maybe

-ohh.. I knew it wouldn't be a smart idea
-then why did you do that? you know that not smart ideas are stupid ideas
-yeah but... but..
-but what? you know... sometimes you act like a
-like a what?
-like a 6-year-old
-oh really? well you sometimes act like a 60-year-old
-you say so?
-yes
-*sigh* sometimes I feel like a 60-year-old
-*sigh* and I feel like a 6-year-old
-but we are not
-no... we aynt... at least... not by our documents

I loved the movie.. I want to put it on a CD so I can watch it again.. "Dancer in the dark" the first time I saw her there I was all like.. wait.. wait... is that her? omg... it is her!! this is so awesome... I've hard the title somewhere before but wasn't aware that she participates in there... the movie wasn't awesome only because she was in it but she made it 10times more awesome I think -giggle- now I got her tuned up... that chick is marvelous.. why do I listen to her so rare? silly me -giggle-.........-sigh- each time I am watching an awesome movie somewhere during it a one thought will strike trough my mind... it always does I can not do anything about it..... "I wish you could see this with me now" me and my little world.... my dream world... I am ever so silly.. you know most of people have their dream worlds made up of things they could never get in real world but mine is made up from things only my cowardice keeps me from getting them... well or at least keeps me from a try to get them *sigh* silly me.... today I had a nightmare.. last thing I remember was that a man with dirty fingers were trying to pull of my tooth.... drove again.. it's not the first dream in which I'm driving.... I suppose I'll get my license one day sooner or later ^^

The Battle Of Evermore

by the way... I am not cool I have never been cool, never intended to be cool and never wanted to be cool... I am not cool... I am awesome in a mindblowing way... by that I mean I am the one who makes question marks appear above your head... and that makes me awesome... first 10 min of "Pirate Radio" and I already love that movie thanks for the recom. doll ;-) and yes I am getting quite hype right now... what do you want I am home alone... totally alone... and will be at least for 2 one more night if not more than that.... the time before the internet was the golden age of music... of curse it's nice to be able to get your desired recordings in a matter of minutes for free [not counting the electricity bill in here] but it's not the same you know.. well k..k.. I can only imagine how it would have been for real I am the kid of the web age but still... there is no excitement in getting more material.. no communication no nothing... there is only one thing that saves web from becoming a music killer.. and that is underground and I mean total bit black underground... finding recordings that less than 100 more people in the world knows about that still keeps the sparkle alive... so to all music lover around the globe I say... Go Underground... Dig Deep... as deep as you can... and tell your mates about your discoveries... support the underground... for me... that is what web is generally all about.. finding something rare and yet undiscovered... like digging trough a ton of shits just to find that one shiny needle but you know.... it's absolutely worth it ^^

depressive rock I love you and I will marry you

I am audiholic... I am always in need for a new listening material.. I like to spend hours and hours in last.fm looking for some interesting bands and unknown music genres... but as I discover more it only gets clearer.... now and then I get really into some specific genre and love it till the bone but after some time I'll jump to next one ever so easy... but I think I can say now.. reveal my one true love... and it's depressive rock though it has rock in it it's more of a metal than rock subgenre and mostly it stays for lighter doom metal or depressive black metal two of my ever so dear bands Katatonia and Lifelover falls into this genre and just today I discovered a new great band named Autumnblaze which also plays depressive rock... so now I travel to youtubeland to find some nice song of them to put on here and guess what? I find the song... and the clip that someone has made from it... consists of fragments from one of my all time favorite [if not number one] movies Eternal Sunshine Of A Spotless Mind this is just..... perfect ^^

The Riddle Seeker

I want to write something long... but nothing comes on my mind... the sky it's cloudless and my mind it's thoughtless... and the crow ate the bug though the bug was all red he knew it would kill him but for a moment it seemed like it's worth it.. past doesn't count it's already happened and now lives only in memory but they never last forever... future doesn't count it might never arrive drop dead any minute now... but the present it's a waste.. we never do what we want to we never say what we want to.. the crow ate the bug and next moment drop dead but he thought it was would be worth it at least he tried.... I've been planning to say so many things for so long.. planing till the smallest details when and how to say them.. how to act the tine of voice the look in eyes... I've never said them not even once....we want to do so many things but whats holding us back? the possible future what or actions might effect... but does it even count? without trying you will never find out... I keep remind myself over and over again.. we are afraid so very afraid to fuck it up so we better don't even try but you know what happens without the try? it's stays the same and repeats itself over and over again and then... then it gets old withers and dies... if you fuck it up you can always try to get things back together but when it dies... it dies and there's nothing left... but it's too late isn't it? or maybe just now is the time.... the crow ate the bug he thought it would be worth it... the taste of poison of it was so sweet an instant ecstasy run trough his nerves before his eyes he saw the heaven... and then he died

Reflection

- guess what?
- what?
- I know why I am chronically single
- oh really? and why is that so
- well you see.. I've come to conclusion that I have thins strange vibe coming out of myself and this thing it... you know people like me
- they mostly do yes
- so you will like me you might even fall for me and once in a while someone somehow menages to do that but...
- but
- but we will never ever be together
- even if you like the persons who's fallen for you
- even if I love the person who's fallen for me.. we will never be together... I am almost like some kinda mythical creature -giggle-
- walking around.. charming people
- it's almost like I would have some sorta force field around me
- hmm.. that almost makes sense you really do stand somewhere else than others don't you
- mhm I am an observer.. oh but this is ever so interesting I feel almost like
- terra incognita
- exactly -wicked smile-


- why is it always the other way around for me?
- cause you're an outlaw

14.06.2010.

1) I went to an awesome movie with an awesome friend I hadn't seen for... well way too long
2) I found some really cool shiny glasses which now I really really want and with each time I remember them they get even more and more awesome
3) I discovered http://friendsofirony.com/ isn't that awesome? :3 [by the way I love irony.. it pretty much makes my life ^^]

Solitude Ways

I can not stand this
this feeling I thought I had lost
it's still haunting me
like something's missing
I can hear how the wind howls
while rushing trough
the massive hole in my chest
I want to lay on the floor
half dead staring at ceiling
coldness of the ground
it covers me again
and any minute now
I will collapse once more
and while staring at the ceiling
becoming all cold
I can not feel my body
only my eyes still gazes
only my thoughts still rushes
will I ever recover what I am missing?
will I ever found what I am looking for?
I can not lift my arms
will it ever come to me?
I can not move my lips
will it ever find me in silence?
I think I am fading
will it see me before it is too late?

Lacuna Coil - Not Enough

I don’t want to be saved, I wanna go down with you
Together we will find a way to come back

Come back, Come back

I don’t want to be saved, I wanna go down with you
Together we will find a way to come back

I thought it was too late
I thought you disappeared
It’s been a while since I believed in you

I used to have the strength
I used to just walk away
But now that I see you
It’s not enough, it’s not enough

I don’t want to be saved, I wanna go down with you
Together we will find a way to come back

I’m falling once again
I’m following the way
Nothing changed since I believed in you

I knew that it would come
I thought that I’d be afraid
But now that I have you
It’s not enough, it’s not enough

I don’t want to be saved, I wanna go down with you
Together we will find a way to come back

Forgotten fears
I’d throw away all the caution out unto the wind
My soul is thirsty, and I’m still dreaming of you
Get out of my mind

Come back (Get out of my mind)
Come back (Get out of my mind)

I don’t want to be saved, I wanna go down with you
Together we will find a way to come back

I don’t want to be saved, I wanna give into you
Together we will find a way to come back

The Everlasting Scar

Oh if only you would ask me to... I close my eyes and pray that you will ask me to

There are so many rooms too many doors all corridors look the same but each room is filled with pain

I like to watch the trains coming, passing and leaving.. dreaming if only I could just get on board and go where ever the railroad will lead me to

Shades Of A Lost Moon

Today I went to my dear friends prom.. well it wasn't really a prom more like an official graduation [shes out of Primary school now].. I graduated from the same school couple of years ago and it was quite interesting feeling to sit in the auditory.. watching all thous 9th garders receiving their first diploma.. remembering the time when I sat there in front waiting to get my first graduation diploma.. before they passed out the documents the schools principal gave a little speech [as she always does] sating something like "oh remember you last 1st of September remember all that happened during this last year in this school" and it made me realize that... this was their last year in that particular school but my next year will be the last one in a school itself... ever... they had their last 1st of September in Primary school but just after 2,5 months I'll have my last 1st of September ever... I'll have my last of everything during the whole year... I think I still can not truly accept that it all just seems so sudden... this year passed faster then any else ever before I can only hope that next one will seem a bit longer I don't want it to be just passed trough... I want to live it as fully as I can but knowing myself -sigh- well we'll see that... maybe finally I am over myself -giggle- lets hope so shall we? ;-)

oh... and one more thing -giggle- while we waited outside one guy [age somewhere over 40] called me an american goddess... no he was not drunk at lest it didn't look like.... american? why amercian I still can not get that... it confused me quite a lot and I didn't know weather to take it as a compliment or an insult

Where the Last Wave Broke

xD so bloody true...


so....... fucking......confusing... makes you go like.. argh what do you want?! -giggle-


and it always pops up in my head but saying out loud would mean nothing cause no one knows the song.... makes you feel a bit lonely :-/

This White Mountain On Which You Will Die

I love to play Agalloch... I very liked them before too but when I started to play ohh... it's just sounds ever so good ^^ by this far I've only played around with two songs.. A Celebration for the Death of Man... and The Isle of Summer but I am already deeply in love and want to learn as much as possible... if I ever will make my own stuff I want it to sounds just like Agalloch :3

I feel hype -giggle-

remember that anime I mentioned few days ago saying that I watched it all in one day? well I was a bit wrong you see.. it was only the first season of it.. there are 4 in total and I just finished watching them all ^.^ and what can I say.... it was so bloody good!!!! -giggle- in the middle it got me really down even till the tears so far that I just wanted to die but....but now in the end it lifted me so high you can't even imagine.. now I feel like I could just go outside and hug everyone in my way -giggle- now I am listening to My Bloody Valentine... shoegaze FTW!! \m/ tuuturututu.. I haven't had lunch yet -giggle- k.. I'll go now but you take care and remember.. just do the things that makes you happy and it all are going to be ay o key ^^

I Have Lost...

I hate the being that I've become
I hate myself for the things I've done
I hate how there are two of us
the one that you see
that bitchy old whore
not caring and daring
to walk without looking on the things she's stepping
and the other that's hidden
within my own skull
so gentle and loving
yet scared and ignored
many times she's been broken
and now the bitch is taking over
but I don't want that to happen
I hate myself for how weak I am
I hate how I am letting it happen
right before my eyes
I hate how the world can not see
the murderer which happens inside of me
maybe it looks like
I can proudly stand on my feet
but you know what?
I am actually down on my knees
screaming, crying and bleeding

Charles Bukowski - A Little Atomic Bomb

I like my tea black as my metal

clarity came upon me and I realized that the tea one enjoys the most represents the type of person he is I can't say it always fits but when I think about my friends and myself it all fits perfectly... like me.. I enjoy a cup of strong black tea over all.. it is dark and strong and leaves you with this thigh feeling upon your lips.. mostly you have to search quite hard to find that special taste that makes the tea different from casual earl gray but when you have found it and get a taste of it it spreads trough your moth and covers your tongue within itself and with each next sip it only gets stronger and when the cup is empty you can sill feel the taste for quite some time.... one of my dear friends are a big fan of green tea and once again it is just like her.. it is refreshing and light and gives you this feeling of overwhelming energy like you could do almost anything after a cup or two but there is a risk that if you drink too much of it you might get a little sick... nice cup of red fruit tea is what another of my dear friends prefers and yet again it fits her perfectly.. though it looks dark it's actually very light and pleasant and oh ever so tasty -giggle- you can drink tons of it and never have enough like after each cup you just have to have another and it feels like the tea would lightly play with your taste-buds like kitty with a clew :3
and what type of tea are you?

1) finished reading a book
2) watched whole anime - Maria-sama ga Miteru [it was way too short only 13 ep but very nice ^^]
3) learned to play Ensiferum - Tears in funeral mode

Disposable Teens

- so what do we learned today?
- that movies have a very little impact on me
- and why is that so?
- hmm.. I am not sure.. maybe they are just too short for me
- 2h is short for you?
- haha I guess so.. you see while movies have almost none impact on me shows and basically anything with episodes [like animes and so] get me quite passioned about the story
- you are too slow you need some time to get what's going on
- exactly.. I suppose in movies it happens too fast for my understanding
- and that's what make you fall asleep during them?
- haha maybe... the things happen so fast I can't run with them so I just stop and take a break ;-)
- not to waste your energy huh?
- mhm :3 oh and I started to learn swedish
- well that's nice ^^
- yeah.. I think I just might make it till the next summer
- well isn't that great?
- ^^ a friend of mine asked me what am I going to do in summer
- so what are you...?
- I am going to study
- seriously?!! xD
- mhm...
- you crazy girl.. that's sounds soo fun xD
- it does for me... kinda -giggle-

The Romanovs - Kiss

I am getting a bit addicted to this song... for a shame I couldn't find the a video or the track in the net so if you want to hear it you'll have to download the album "...and the Moon Was Hungry..."
but I found the lyrics :3

The kisses of peace
Started off the evening
Reasonless fairs so well

A girded pair we are
We watch our words
And pretend not to care

The last time we touched
Was on the left side of the porch
Desire for days, but
Buttons never left their ports

'Cause the kiss is in the chemicals
Who needs a lover when you've got a new best friend
What could be better than this alibi
This feeling that I wouldn't care if I were dead
If you pinch me now I wouldn't flinch

The beauty's in the chemicals
That qualifies the kiss

Ahoy, ahoy, ahoy, ahoy...a whore

You take my hand
You want to lead me to the porch again
I'm sorry dear but this time I must insist
That we set sail from here.

'Cause the kiss is in the chemicals
Who needs a lover when you've got a new best friend
What could be better than my alibi
This feeling that I wouldn't care if I were dead
If you pinch me now I wouldn't flinch

omg omg OMG!!!!! that is EXACTLY why I love that guy... just to let you know Charles Bukowski is my all times favorite poet

Exit Wounds

- so what do we learned today?
- that I have lost my empathy
- wasn't that clear for a long time already?
- yeah but.. that was this days conclusion
- ohh.. I see. anything else? you look kinda down
- it's nothing really.. I am just having hopes again
- and losing them
- yeah...
- it's quite painful
- you're telling me -giggle-
- -giggle-
- I just finally see how it is... finally see myself for who I really am and why I am still like this
- and that would be..
- I am bleeding
- can you make it stop?
- I tried but I ended up as an empty shell
- that's no good
- yeah.. tell me... why does nothing helps? why does no one helps?
- oh you know how it is with them.. they just don't know how to help and even if they do... they will just stop and stare while thinking "someone should help her" maybe someone will say "oh you poor thing" someone maybe will try to figure out why are you bleeding
- I am still here on the floor.. still bleeding
- they have their own problems you know it and you can't blame them
- oh I know I know.. and I am not going to blame them.. I wouldn't be better myself I can bet
- they just don't know what to do
- so they choose to do nothing...
- you know you could tell them.. scream for help
- my mouth is dry I try to talk but the words.. they never get over my lips
- you have to try harder
- but I am tired and I have lost too much blood
- you look very pale
- will you help me?
- you know I am only in your head
- it's all right.. I'll just weep on your shoulder and cover up my wounds when I go out
- you think you'll be able to do that.. pretend again
- I'll have to try that's my only chance -sigh-


oh and by the way.. about the don't cha thing.. I lied.. I don't need her to be darker or anything.. I just need her to be that's all