2010-09-29
2010-09-25
"..instead it festered into a pathology and I think the some of it made me pretty disfunctional you know... probably made me into the disfunctional lair that I was for a most of my young kinda life... [..] I don't know I think that's why I write cause you just want to get all this stuff out"
-Jenny, The L Word 4x2
see? I am not the only one who says that
-Jenny, The L Word 4x2
see? I am not the only one who says that
Everything Invaded (by Moonspell)
hey.... yeah I just wanted to say... since the road home sparked some thoughts in my head and the trouble falling sleep later on made the grow larger... I don't really know if I should be sorry for the things I do and don't do... have done and will do... I've been sorry for so many things in my life but it has never really made a difference... and what does sorry mean at all? that you would like to take back the things you've done the words you've said.. you know what? you can't and if the things you've said and done makes you look like an egocentrical whore well then you are one... live whit it.. and I will try too...
I don't know how to communicate whit people that aren't just your everyday friend... you know.. the usual mate you see now and then and can chat about some everyday shit... I've never really had [and here I refer to time period between my birth and the beginning of my high school days cause by the time I got into high school the way I look to people and relationships was so fucked up there is no way I could talk in clean terms] that one true bff... the mate you have always by your side and can talk to about everything and anything at all... the person who knows everything about you and you know everything about... I don't really know but should you have someone like that in your earlier days? I know that for some people this function has been overtaken by their brothers/sisters but since I am the only child this option falls off for me.... maybe that's why I've trouble to talk about myself now.... cause I've never really done that and because of that for me it mostly seems that if someone's asking how are you doing or so.. they don't really want to know how are you doing.. they just want to have a chance to tell someone how they are doing.. they don't really give a crap about you and why should they? they see you only now and then... the most probably would give a crap if you somehow get in hospital or get married or something like that.. they are your friends after all but as long as you're doing fine... maybe I see this in such way cause I've never really talked about myself... I've never really trusted anyone... the few times I did I ended up on the edge of an utter mental breakdown... hmm I wonder what could I've learned from that?.....
I don't know how to communicate whit people that aren't just your everyday friend... you know.. the usual mate you see now and then and can chat about some everyday shit... I've never really had [and here I refer to time period between my birth and the beginning of my high school days cause by the time I got into high school the way I look to people and relationships was so fucked up there is no way I could talk in clean terms] that one true bff... the mate you have always by your side and can talk to about everything and anything at all... the person who knows everything about you and you know everything about... I don't really know but should you have someone like that in your earlier days? I know that for some people this function has been overtaken by their brothers/sisters but since I am the only child this option falls off for me.... maybe that's why I've trouble to talk about myself now.... cause I've never really done that and because of that for me it mostly seems that if someone's asking how are you doing or so.. they don't really want to know how are you doing.. they just want to have a chance to tell someone how they are doing.. they don't really give a crap about you and why should they? they see you only now and then... the most probably would give a crap if you somehow get in hospital or get married or something like that.. they are your friends after all but as long as you're doing fine... maybe I see this in such way cause I've never really talked about myself... I've never really trusted anyone... the few times I did I ended up on the edge of an utter mental breakdown... hmm I wonder what could I've learned from that?.....
2010-09-22
2010-09-21
Blackwater Park (by Opeth)
she says she can't write? how is that possible.. I've seen her doing that.. she says she can not write... has she tried? of curse she has and more than once but there isn't any use.. has she really tried? yes?... then that's why she says she can't write.. if she has really tried it is for no use.. someone made her do that.. who? they? others? herself? why the fuck is she trying if she don't want to? if you don't want to write then don't I would say.. if you don't feel like you must then don't.. seriously don't.. if she feels like she can't.. then don't.. there are plenty of other.. better things to do... why am I writing? because I feel like I must get things out of my mind.. cause if I put them down they won't spin in my head in circles making me feel all dizzy inside... write only if you feel like you must... writing is good for my health.. to keep everything inside... thous thoughts start to rot infecting the good ones as well... I am a mess my head is a mess.. a pile of everything and nothing.. I have no box system.. I think I had one once.. a long time ago... now it's only a pile so now and then I must take something out before it starts to rot... she says she can't write... sounds like she doesn't have to.. then why bother yourself and try? I suppose she can store the things in her head without the need to take something out... I envy her then... truly I do... but if she still would like to try.. maybe just for the sake of "and what if I manage to?" all I can say... start by little.. like.. "Dear diary.. today I had backed potatoes for lunch.. I like baked potatoes.. they make up the main part of my diet" cause you know.. when you have a chance to look back to the things you've had in your mind in past... it's truly interesting and helps on self exploring a lot.... as for myself.. besides all that including the self exploring part.. I really love to over read some stuffs I have put down.. to read and thing "you know what? this really is something good.. and I don't really care if anyone else think it's crap"
2010-09-20
because I had nothing better to do
the first test was picked but others chosen randomly by the page
-about the above one- I knew it I bloody I knew it!!!! xD
You Are a Drawing |
 You appreciate things that are simple and elegant. You believe that complexity is mostly used to mask flaws. You believe that art is about leaving more to the imagination. The best art isn't overly showy or flashy. It subtly beautiful. |
You Have Good Manners 77% of the Time |
 Your manners are quite excellent. You are well versed in etiquette. Of course you have the occasional slip up, but you even apologize with grace. |
What Your Handbag Says About You |
 You tend to be relaxed throughout the day. You are naturally at peace. You tend to be relaxed but alert. You keep your eye out for anything unusual. You are a high maintenance person. You feel lost outside of your normal environment. You are open and comfortable with who you are. You don't hide anything. You are a very creative person. Your life tends to be a whirlwind, but you always seem to pull it together. You are practical and down to earth. You tend to be a rather reserved and quiet person. |
You're a Playful Kisser |
 Kissing is a huge game for you... a way to flirt and play. You're the first one to suggest playing spin the bottle at a party. Or you'll go for the wild kiss during a game of truth or dare. And you're up for kissing any sexy stranger if the mood is right! |
Your Inner Pop Princess Is Kelly Clarkson |
 "Grew up in a small town And when the rain would fall down I'd just stare out my window Dreaming of what could be" No doubt about it, you have star quality. Might just take a while to get there. |
You Are Curling |
 What you lack in athleticism, you make up for in concentration. And while curling isn't much more of a sport than bowling, you *can* win a gold medal for it! |
-about the above one- I knew it I bloody I knew it!!!! xD
You Are Deep |
 You try to observe the world rather than judge it. You feel like you are here to learn. You see every side to people. You know that things are complicated and nuanced. You have trouble getting along with people who are flippant or silly. You crave substance. You connect best with philosophical, thoughtful types. Your friends care about ideas. |
Your Blogging Type Is Thoughtful and Considerate |
 You're a well liked, though underrated, blogger. You have a heart of gold and are likely to blog for a cause. You're a peaceful blogger - no drama for you! A good listener and friend, you tend to leave thoughtful comments for others. |
Katatonia - Sold Heart
I know I know I already posted it but.. had it in my head all day long... and yesterday as well..
When my heart stops
Will my wings unfold ?
Did you know that I had no one but you?
When my eyes close
Will your blood turn older?
Did you know that I had no one but you?
In the snow veil
Where the ring of promise felt
In the cool, white air
One stood abiding
When the road turns
Will my ghost find freedom?
Did you know that I had nothing?
So I...
Sold my love
Forgot the vow
It feels like nothing comes to mind
I pull the weight
And sing
That there's a new cloud over my grave
Now I know
That it'd kill me when I could not have you
Sold my heart
When my heart stops
Will my wings unfold ?
Did you know that I had no one but you?
When my eyes close
Will your blood turn older?
Did you know that I had no one but you?
In the snow veil
Where the ring of promise felt
In the cool, white air
One stood abiding
When the road turns
Will my ghost find freedom?
Did you know that I had nothing?
So I...
Sold my love
Forgot the vow
It feels like nothing comes to mind
I pull the weight
And sing
That there's a new cloud over my grave
Now I know
That it'd kill me when I could not have you
Sold my heart
2010-09-19
2010-09-18
Forever Failure (by Paradise Lost)
why am I here?.. ohh it's just... wait what?
inconvenient tolerance
I am doomed to be stoned in the sludge swamp.. but I am completely fine whit that.. at least for now.. isn't this weird.. I feel like I am lying to myself no matter what I say/think... no matter what opinion I overtake.. just be yourself they say... you want me to be myself? help a little out and tell.. who the fuck am I.. cause I have no idea... no matter what I say.. it all feels like a lie..... lost.. somewhere.. nowhere... each thing I do it all seems fake.. each word I say... I'll better stay silent... in eyes they say.. in eyes you can see if it's true or false.. but even eyes lie.. to me... to you.. to you... they have always lied... the truth's been lost.. oh where are you when I need you the most.. will I ever find you again? did I even ever possessed you? "I don't really know what sorry means. I've been sorry all my life" I don't really know what truth is. I've been lying all my life... oh and here it comes.. the fall... I can feel the wind striking my face... the ground when it comes.. will I break again? well will it come? I am sorry.. I'm so sorry I lied.. but I don't know what the truth is anymore... I should just go.. there is no use.. I messed it up.. the game has been lost... nothing but misunderstanding... it's always just misunderstanding... I am sorry...
how comes that the right song always comes at the right time unexpected?
inconvenient tolerance
I am doomed to be stoned in the sludge swamp.. but I am completely fine whit that.. at least for now.. isn't this weird.. I feel like I am lying to myself no matter what I say/think... no matter what opinion I overtake.. just be yourself they say... you want me to be myself? help a little out and tell.. who the fuck am I.. cause I have no idea... no matter what I say.. it all feels like a lie..... lost.. somewhere.. nowhere... each thing I do it all seems fake.. each word I say... I'll better stay silent... in eyes they say.. in eyes you can see if it's true or false.. but even eyes lie.. to me... to you.. to you... they have always lied... the truth's been lost.. oh where are you when I need you the most.. will I ever find you again? did I even ever possessed you? "I don't really know what sorry means. I've been sorry all my life" I don't really know what truth is. I've been lying all my life... oh and here it comes.. the fall... I can feel the wind striking my face... the ground when it comes.. will I break again? well will it come? I am sorry.. I'm so sorry I lied.. but I don't know what the truth is anymore... I should just go.. there is no use.. I messed it up.. the game has been lost... nothing but misunderstanding... it's always just misunderstanding... I am sorry...
how comes that the right song always comes at the right time unexpected?
2010-09-15
the theory of everything
had my first lesson in philosophy today.. nothing that new only at one part it gave me a hint how I could best describe my idea.. my theory of everything.. I've had this idea for quite some time now so I decided that it's finally time for me to try and put it down
you see we live.. or more precisely we exist in two worlds the deeply subjective and the utterly objective one
the subjective one takes place in our heads as idea of reality.. the way we see, hear, smell etc. is individual as well as the way we respond to these irritants.. it all happens in or minds so the state of ones mind is supreme in action of creating the world around us.. have you ever noticed how different things look, smell, taste etc. depending on your mood? sun really shines brighter when you're happy.. rain really falls more heavy when you're sad... as primitive as that... we all have or own little worlds that exists only in our heads as ideas about reality.. world doesn't exist where we can't see it... but what about other people? you might ask... they also are only ideas in our heads.. the way we see people is never ever the way they truly are even if we get to know someone ever so good still or subjective mind will store them [in a form of information] and the way we'll have them in or mind will never be the way they are cause our subjective observation disfigure the reality.. we live in reflection of the real world.. and that reflection is created in our minds
that's only one side of the medal.. other side is the utterly objective one.. where we don't live as individuals but exist as a small part of civilization..
family -> school -> city -> country -> climate zone -> Earth
because we live in our heads and observe all trough there we can't see this on ordinary bases.. but it's a different world.. a world where everything happens much slower.. where our lifetime lasts only a second and rarely makes any visible changes
we live in the subjective world but exist in the objective one
you see we live.. or more precisely we exist in two worlds the deeply subjective and the utterly objective one
the subjective one takes place in our heads as idea of reality.. the way we see, hear, smell etc. is individual as well as the way we respond to these irritants.. it all happens in or minds so the state of ones mind is supreme in action of creating the world around us.. have you ever noticed how different things look, smell, taste etc. depending on your mood? sun really shines brighter when you're happy.. rain really falls more heavy when you're sad... as primitive as that... we all have or own little worlds that exists only in our heads as ideas about reality.. world doesn't exist where we can't see it... but what about other people? you might ask... they also are only ideas in our heads.. the way we see people is never ever the way they truly are even if we get to know someone ever so good still or subjective mind will store them [in a form of information] and the way we'll have them in or mind will never be the way they are cause our subjective observation disfigure the reality.. we live in reflection of the real world.. and that reflection is created in our minds
that's only one side of the medal.. other side is the utterly objective one.. where we don't live as individuals but exist as a small part of civilization..
family -> school -> city -> country -> climate zone -> Earth
because we live in our heads and observe all trough there we can't see this on ordinary bases.. but it's a different world.. a world where everything happens much slower.. where our lifetime lasts only a second and rarely makes any visible changes
we live in the subjective world but exist in the objective one
morning of the remembrance
I just want
someone to understand
someone to hold my hand
last night
and I think they are back
last night
and it feels like I'm going back
but maybe
I never really moved
but maybe
it never really stopped
constant confusion
can you imagine what it's like?
utter confusion
try to imagine what it's like
and when the state aynt so
it's one of two
cold and empty [nothings never]
agonizing pain [please just let me die]
I am not just saying this
please try to understand
I am not just saying this
that's where I've really been
I just want
someone to understand
someone to hold me hand
and I fall again
someone to understand
someone to hold my hand
last night
and I think they are back
last night
and it feels like I'm going back
but maybe
I never really moved
but maybe
it never really stopped
constant confusion
can you imagine what it's like?
utter confusion
try to imagine what it's like
and when the state aynt so
it's one of two
cold and empty [nothings never]
agonizing pain [please just let me die]
I am not just saying this
please try to understand
I am not just saying this
that's where I've really been
I just want
someone to understand
someone to hold me hand
and I fall again
2010-09-14
When the Tomorrow Is a Grey Day (by The Last Days)
we are alone... you... me... all alone.. that men you saw on the street today.. he's alone too... you want to know why? how can I tell it so strictly? maybe he's anything but alone... but that's not true we all are alone... cause thous things that makes us who we are.. some might say even the things that makes us human.. we do alone.. we think and feel alone... we all have or little universes in our heads where we live alone and nothing can change that.. the way I see things.. you'll never see them like me.. the way you feel it.. I'll never feel the same... we all have our own little universes where we live alone... some people now and then have guests in their universes... they call it sickness... they say it's ill to have other people in your little universe that you have in your head.. you have to be alone... but as soon as you'll understand and accept that.. you will never feel lonely again.. ever...
of curse it is nice to have friends.. relationships whit other minds but you see.. there is no way that you will stand next to each other forever the sad part is.. that it's very easy to get used to.. even addicted of other people.. and if the parting time comes and you haven't understood and accept the reality of being eternally alone.. there's a big possibility that it will mess up your mind... make you feel empty and ever so lonely and it's truly nothing pleasant... you have to be responsible for your actions... you can't let others get addicted of you........
of curse it is nice to have friends.. relationships whit other minds but you see.. there is no way that you will stand next to each other forever the sad part is.. that it's very easy to get used to.. even addicted of other people.. and if the parting time comes and you haven't understood and accept the reality of being eternally alone.. there's a big possibility that it will mess up your mind... make you feel empty and ever so lonely and it's truly nothing pleasant... you have to be responsible for your actions... you can't let others get addicted of you........
2010-09-13
aftermidnight fun wiiii ^^
why the FUCK am I watching this? *looks into clock* ohh... that explains it.. at least a little [it's 00:47 by the way]
0:18 HaHaHa I fucking love this clip already
I like the way how many times she says bitch =^.^=
1:15 uuu... nice khe khe *smirk*
that voice sounds very...... interesting?... but I like it... maybe only because I have a tendency to like weird voices [there's even a last.fm group for that.. aynt that awesome? ^^]
by the way I have Deicide on the background playing [that some fucking serious anti-christian death metal if you didn't know]
is this what kids watch these days? and we wonder why they all are so... getting pregnant at 14.. no big deal
2010-09-12
Look at it... just look at it
Hey guys... can I say guys? you are more than one here right? at least I think so... anywho... haven't made an entry for quite some time.. I am sorry *sad face* but that's just in my nature you know... to dissapoint...... back to the point.... wait.. I had no point.. damn... just let me try again...
I wanted to yack about this picture cause I have it as my phones wp for a week or so now and.... let me start from the beginning... one evening a sudden urge struck me.. I wanted some yuri action on as my phones wp... why you ask? no particular reason.. a sudden urge that's all... after ~15min of pic searching this was the best I could find so I just decided to use this one.. "well.. it's not that bad" I thought.... some time has passed and.... I think I am in love whit this picture... the more I look at it the more I love it... if at first I was like "meh" then now "OMG I Love it!!!" it feels like whit the each glace I put upon it I fall in love whit it deeper and deeper.. I can't really explain why is that so... it simply is.... the same thing happened whit my pc wp I have now.. I simply wanted some anime action on there so somehow I found this one... long story short.. at first "meh" and now "dai ski!!!!! [it means love in jap by the way... at least I think so ^^]"
2010-09-09
Are you ready for some EPIC shit?!!!
On one hand there is so much to say.. on the other.. it always leave me speechless... the best theme song from the best RPG ever.. EVER.... nothing can beat this... this feeling it gives to you.. the feeling of something new slowly appearing on the horizon.. like a deep breath that you take before diving in unknown waters... the ants that rushes on your skin when you clearly know.. something exciting.. something very very exciting is about to happen... something big... something massive.. even that will change the ways of the whole world.. and you are going to be a part of it.. in fact... you are going to be the cause and solution to it... you... will be the hero though you don't know it yet.. the scent of unknown lands yet to be explored of battles yet to be fought... it's all yet to come but you know.. there is no turning back.. the ship has arrived
"Quiet, here comes the guard."
2010-09-06
Slave To Negativity (by Forgotten Tomb)
now I'll just write something to pass the time cause I want to hear this song before I go to bed
Forgotten Tomb - Negative Megalomania
I have colds... how awesome is that?
it's a bit over 10pm and I want to go to bed cause staying awake would cause even grater agony than the one I am into now...
went to cos con.. it was quite cool.. the even itself was.. well.. could have been better.. but the bunch of mates I met there.. they all were awesome so in the end event wasn't that bad after all...
that motorcycle chick in full pvc costume was so.... bloody.... hot *ecchi* seriously.. it might was well have been the hottest thing I've seen in my life [so far]
mmm... orgasmic riff mmm.... orgasmic riff is orgasmic..
the song is ending and I am going... hope tomorrow will be.... ehh.. I already know that it won't... fucking hope.. that shit is useless
Forgotten Tomb - Negative Megalomania
I have colds... how awesome is that?
it's a bit over 10pm and I want to go to bed cause staying awake would cause even grater agony than the one I am into now...
went to cos con.. it was quite cool.. the even itself was.. well.. could have been better.. but the bunch of mates I met there.. they all were awesome so in the end event wasn't that bad after all...
that motorcycle chick in full pvc costume was so.... bloody.... hot *ecchi* seriously.. it might was well have been the hottest thing I've seen in my life [so far]
mmm... orgasmic riff mmm.... orgasmic riff is orgasmic..
the song is ending and I am going... hope tomorrow will be.... ehh.. I already know that it won't... fucking hope.. that shit is useless
2010-09-05
The Gathering - Shortest Day
read the lyrics you ignorant fool
He's in a rush run
He has to hurry dash
He's in a rat race
Never at a slow pace
Forever dangerous
And never serious
Up on your energy
Expect no sympathy
Appreciation is overrated
Resting is for fools
He lets his blood boil
Always in turmoil
Blasting his every way
Throughout the shortest day
Forever dangerous
And never serious
Swimming against the stream
And steal all of your dreams
Aggravation is appreciated
He'll use you like a tool
Association is overrated
Friends are for fools
He's in a rush
Fever round his eyes
I do not dare and cross him
He'll smash you with his lies
Ever so dangerous
He'll haunt you seriously
I wouldn't go within a mile radius of him
He's in a rush run
He has to hurry dash
He's in a rat race
Never at a slow pace
Forever dangerous
And never serious
Up on your energy
Expect no sympathy
Appreciation is overrated
Resting is for fools
He lets his blood boil
Always in turmoil
Blasting his every way
Throughout the shortest day
Forever dangerous
And never serious
Swimming against the stream
And steal all of your dreams
Aggravation is appreciated
He'll use you like a tool
Association is overrated
Friends are for fools
He's in a rush
Fever round his eyes
I do not dare and cross him
He'll smash you with his lies
Ever so dangerous
He'll haunt you seriously
I wouldn't go within a mile radius of him
2010-09-02
Forgotten Tomb - Disheartenment / Alone / Steal My Corpse (Live in Studio)
3 of their best songs in one.. this is heaven
Lethargy (by Lifelover)
why is it always like that whit me? it's the little things.. the fucking little things that get me.. I can stand in fire while slowly burning and feel nothing but when getting my fingertip in the flame for a second I'll be an agony.. that's why it always is "nothing really" cause it really is nothing at all just a small and simple episode because of whit I feel like the whole world is crushing down on me... the fucking little things... though actually.. the little thing just starts the chain reaction because of which I feel like the whole world is collapsing... the little thing that reminds me of the big me.. but it's nothing really.. just a tiny pebble in my shoe but it has come from the shore of an infinite sorrow ocean.. and whit each step I take reminds me of it's origin... but it's nothing really.. just a tiny pebble in my shoe
2010-09-01
Major Fuck Off (by Lifelover)
they say I should get therapy.. "it will help you" they say "it helped me you know"
but what do they know?
yes.. I listen to suicidal music
yes.. I do have scars I've made myself to escape the pain
but what does that say about me?
"you need therapy" they say
but how can it help me?
by changing the way I look at life?
by changing the way I look on others?
by changing the way I look at myself?
but I don't want to change my point of view
by making me more positive and less depressed?
but I spit on positivity.. that shit is fake at least for me
will it make me less suicidal?
but I am not suicidal.. I just enjoy the dark
I am obsessed whit death that's just how it is
I suppose they call us goths or at least that's what I've heard
will it put a fake smile upon my lips?
that's what they want so see isn't it?
they are wearing ones so they want me to have one too
so I would be just like them.. nor better nor worse
but you know what?
I spit on their fake smiles too
I don't need that shit..
I am not positive and full of joy
but at least I am not pretending that I am
do they see it or not is another question
cause you know how it is whit them...
the image they have in their heads about you
that shit won't change no matter what
in conclusion... fuck them.. fuck their therapy... and most of all.. fuck the way they want me to be
but what do they know?
yes.. I listen to suicidal music
yes.. I do have scars I've made myself to escape the pain
but what does that say about me?
"you need therapy" they say
but how can it help me?
by changing the way I look at life?
by changing the way I look on others?
by changing the way I look at myself?
but I don't want to change my point of view
by making me more positive and less depressed?
but I spit on positivity.. that shit is fake at least for me
will it make me less suicidal?
but I am not suicidal.. I just enjoy the dark
I am obsessed whit death that's just how it is
I suppose they call us goths or at least that's what I've heard
will it put a fake smile upon my lips?
that's what they want so see isn't it?
they are wearing ones so they want me to have one too
so I would be just like them.. nor better nor worse
but you know what?
I spit on their fake smiles too
I don't need that shit..
I am not positive and full of joy
but at least I am not pretending that I am
do they see it or not is another question
cause you know how it is whit them...
the image they have in their heads about you
that shit won't change no matter what
in conclusion... fuck them.. fuck their therapy... and most of all.. fuck the way they want me to be
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