and what happens now? where am I going to?

I am going trough one of my identity crisis right now... now and then they like to come upon me and as closer the end of my school time comes as more frequently they take over my mind and the question appears: what happens now? where am I going to?
from my early childhood I have been seen as quite bright child.. while being in the kinder-garden I also went to folk-dance classes and the people there said that I had quite the feeling of rithm I graduated kinder-garden a year early and went straight to school.. during the 1st grade I also went to art classes and there as well maybe not the best but more better than worse I was.. after 1st grade I moved to another town and a half year of 2nd grade I spent in just an ordinary school doing nothing but learning but as the new semester came a new school for ma came as well.. bow this was not just an ordinary school but an art school as well which I graduated and 9th was the last grade there... during that time in the class as well as in whole school I was seen as the "smart kid"... over thous years for some period I also went to folk-dance again as well as basketball, karate and handball classes which all I dropped after a year... after the graduation of my primary school I had to find myself a high school to go to so I got into a school with higher lever of education than most of the ordinary school [I am in this school right now too] and here I am in a special biology/chemestry class where once again I am seen as "the smart one".... in the high school period I started to write a bit and I enjoy doing that and maybe I am even not that bad at it.... this year I got an acoustic guitar for my birthday so I am playing that as well..... this is getting kinda long so I'll just try to put it all together...
I have danced, graduated art school, I am playing guitar, I write, I am quite good at biology, till 9th grade I was really good at math but now when I have a new teacher [don't get me wrong she is really nice and lovely person but for me she's too soft] I have let me level in math slide down a bit, I enjoy physics but as in this subject I have only had well lets just say not the best teachers I haven't got into the themes we learn in class as well as I could have, I had a chance to do an research work in biology this year which might have got me place in university but instead I choose to do it in culturology and write about my passion - metal music....
right now I realise that I have done quite a bunch of many different things but I am always somewhere in the middle of it all.. I have no speciality... I have no such thing to which I could say "this is my thing this is my place" I am ever so afraid that this could be too late that somewhere in the middle I've lost my path and I could end up as the sales lady in some shop [not that I see that as bad profession I am ever so grateful to the ones doing it but is it really for me?]... now I am just ever so afraid and........... of I am such a mess... now even talking about my private life.. mess.... mess... mess..... nothing but a mess.... without a purpose.... maybe I just wasn't ment for anything..... all is lost

where have you been?

I tend to randomly loose things from the tip of my nose from the places they are surely safe and even visible. Places like desks and open shelves and even floor. It happens almost all the time and starts to get on my nerves quite bad as well as makes me simply desperate and confused.. this time it was my tooth-brush.. I came home in the morning after the night spent at me friends house, open the bag, take out the tooth-brush [which I actually didn't even use] and place it on my desk while thinking "I should put it in it's place in the bathroom but... I'll do that later" now in the evening when I am going to take it for use I can not find it anywhere. It has simply disappeared in thin air. I check the whole desk even under and above it, my bag two or three times but it is nowhere to be found. With given up hopes I just take one of my old brushes and use it. Go back to my room take my tool box from me closet cause I had a plan how to make my broken headphones usable again... open the tool box and what do I find there? Between all kinda tools and gears there it lies, my tooth-brush.

Yesterday my mother told me that she doesn't like my nihilistic attitude

the day and then the shade

and now I want to write something but I don't know what so I'll just let my fingers smack the buttons and we shall see how it will end up...

the earth is still white though it's already spring.. or at least it should be but you know what? as it is now it could stay forever as it is not freezingly cold just a bit chilly but the ground is white oh ever so light and the noises or soft like coming from under the snow.. yes it is late and yes I am falling asleep so yes I can't really think straight... but on the other hand I have never been able to...
they say it's cold for too long I say it's always been that way only now you can see it
I am listening to 28 weeks later OST again... suppose the spring is coming I want it or not but it could stay as it is.. it could stay....
the light that reflects from the snow.. it calls me I can hear it whispering in my ear
"come.. come out... your place is not here you must go.. somewhere else.. anywhere else.. some place with none there... forsake... abandoned... rust and dust.. rust and dust in a shiny spring light"
and I breath in... and close my eyes... dug my nails in my palms.... I can not leave not yet.. I am still too weak

Infusco Somnium part II

I think I had fallen asleep for when I unclosed my eyes again it was all dark and moon had replaced the sun... the smooth rays of moonlight rested upon the treetops... it was all dark down here. I got up keeping my balance by holding to that grey trunk against which my head had rested during my slumber. It was all still blurry and my head felt dim and heavy like after awakening from a deep yet short rest... I stood there with my eyes digging the ground and my hand on a carved trunk of a tree that seemed older than dozen lifetimes of a man. After a time that seemed like decade of minutes, but could have been more or less as the head of mine still felt heavy like in a slumber, I had gathered courage to release the old man and a will for a try to move forward on my own. My legs felt like they were of rusted metal and cement put together and my feet like a couple of bricks that lay in a wall of a stronghold but somehow I managed to move on the two one step at the time. I had no idea where am I so I can't tell you where I was going... just moved between the trees around the bushes with a hope to get somewhere sooner or later. After meters five times hundred or so some life started to fill within my legs and by every step they seemed less and less like rusted nails and more like ones with bone and flesh. Also my head was becoming lighter and my mind less dim. I was starting to awake from that slumber of mine. But still all was dark. I gazed up and between the branches and over the tree tops a pale disk gazed down on my and somehow I felt like a guard was somewhere near. Even more courage now filled myself as I knew I was not alone.

I like grapes

I say this because?

I haven't made an entrance for some time now but it is mostly a due to the lack of time I've been into lately rather than laziness and yes I know it sounds like I'm making excuse but that's just how it is...
so why am I into such lack of time? well mostly it's because of the scientific research work I've been working active on for couple of months and though I presented it yesterday [oh wait it's tomorrow already.. well then the day before yesterday then] I still have to work on it to make it even better cause I was one of the 3 people from my section [13 works in total] that were sent off from school to the next part - the city... so I have to [or had to to be accurate as I've already finished the work on it] edit the whole thing... add something cut something well I think you know how it works... so yeah as I've been working active on it for couple of mouths most of the time I am at home [not school] this paper has taken my time...
I've been watching quite a lot of Lost too.... nice show ^^
why am I even writing this?
oh right right.. as always... I should go to bed but I want to listen to some more music so I find something I could do to keep my hands busy
and by the way the theme of my work is "The influence other music ganders have made on evolution of heavy metal" or something like that....
yes I am just blabering not I know I know....

why are so greedy these days? and not only for money or things but mostly for fame "I want to be the best I want to stand out I want others to look at me from below as I bask in my glory above them"..... oh so silly I can never understand what gives?

why am I even writing this? oh right right... to spend the time.... have to get up after 4 hours... aynt that bad...... silly people..... look at me I am so great!....... look at me I am such nothing more likely....... shallow inteligence.... haha.... only show the intelect of the one who has said that.....


yes I am better than you and no I am nothing compared to you

with dim greetings, Shadow mistress

having Black Autumn album "Ecstasy, Nightmare, Doom" on the background